"Hardbodies 2" (1986)

 Poor James Karen. Stuck in a horrific movie with nothing better to do than to look at subpar Greek tits. Which isn’t a bad way to go about an entire movie. But this clearly was a fast tracked flick on the success of the first “Hardbodies.” Admittedly, I don’t remember the first one, and downloaded this on YouTube thinking it was the first one. It’s the second…really awful one.

It’s a story of Americans making a schlock garbage romantic lust film in Greece. Which instantly conjures up adventure. Fuck you. This Skin-O-Max late night flick is enjoyable if you’ve lived through cocaine fueled 80’s and can tolerate knock off Michael McDonald tunes and hacky plots.

I will say this, it is a very self-aware movie. Tits and ass aren’t a bad thing. Especially seeing a young Brenda Bakke’s cans. She was a cameo on “Under Siege: Dark Territory” so it was a blessing to finally see those nipples in this piece of shit. She’s also young, which I always love seeing the younger version of a girl who is most likely a middle aged dried up woman now. Mostly, because the younger version probably would’ve rejected me. I know, shitty of me. But whatever. There’s also the dick-to-face hammering hottie from “Summer School” Fabiana Udenio.

I’ll tell you guys this right now…you don’t get to see her full assets and they look MASSIVE. Her hammers are what you dream of. BUT…fuck if they don’t show them. That’s blue balls hell. Nor do you get to see any…good snatch. You do see Brenda’s ass, which is okay. But it’s also not doing much besides getting into a bath.

If you care about the plot: James Karen is trying to produce a movie with Americans. Along with his female director partner, the story is somewhat…really confusing. The Americans are sort of part of the landscape of a story, but then it cuts into the behind the scenes. In other words, what we think and see as the movie, ends up being part of the movie that is being filmed. Pretty clever. What is reality and what is the movie. They did this a lot to open up most “Fall Guy” episodes. You think it’s part of the story, but turns out it’s a stunt for the movie.

SO there a bunch of love triangles happening. There is no real story, except the actors stumbling on “adventures.” IF you took “Hollywood Boulevard” and mixed it with “Blame It On Rio” this is that movie.

The 80’s style is nauseating. The acting is non-existent, and the characters don’t seem to be sure they’re in a farce, screwball comedy, or adventure film. It works, maybe if you have the charm of Cary Grant. The people in this movie are as charming as head lice. Two things really rubbed me wrong…the old guy who clearly looks like Hal Ashby is named “Ashby” FUCK YOU! The main actor..Scotty, who I think is a carry over from the first “Hardbodies” wears more mascara than Morrissey. Should that asshole get to bone Fabiano?

Also, the fact that this was filmed in Greece…the movie looks like it was lensed by a homosexual. I can’t quite explain this one, but female tits never looked so…utilitarian. Though it was pleasant to see it within the first 15 minutes of the movie on a exploitative level, there was something about the casting of these tits that seemed chosen by gay dudes or bitter women.

Ah well, is it worth a look? For nostalgic reasons, it is. But if you’re hoping to jerk it between the plot points, it’s just not worth it.