New Year

More than likely I'll be asleep before I celebrate the new year. That's fine. Will be the first year in over a decade I haven't had a drink. And it's fine. I've also cleaned out my bedroom in order to write in peace. I don't sleep in there anyway. It's weird, I don't even consider it a room for sleep. I put my ass in seat and write like the devil is poking me. Why not? How much time have I lost being lazy.

In the New Year, I need to craft something long form. If you don't feel like you deserve a future in filmmaking or storytelling, it's over. The point being...material is king, and it's not going to drop from the sky.

Reflecting on the New Year...well, let's be honest, I can't remember most of it. A lot was recovering from alcoholism (and still working on it). In the meantime, it's not bad living in an imaginary world. Let's be real, a lot of this is going to suck shit. I have about four scripts now...all in various levels of suck-titude. But at least I'm generating...something. I also need to study more about story structure.

I read somewhere recently, Stephen J. Cannell said "Never start a script you don't finish, even if it's bad...FINISH IT." I take that to heart.

I wish everyone a great new year. We get to start moving forward and STOP fucking around.

Make Your Own Shit...Make It Now!

I heard one of the more inspiring things recently. “Do what you do, be unique, throw out your talent and people will find you.”

It may seem pretty straight forward, but you’d be surprised how many people wait around their phone doing absolutely nothing and expecting it to fall from the sky. Globalization is now, and with the internet, NOT doing what you want in life is your own un-doing. I feel like shit now and I think I’ve done…a little…okay, not enough.

I’ve made very little money doing photography. But it’s “out there.” I get a ton of international fans. By fans I mean, weird e-mails that tell me how much they like my shots. They use them as inspiration, I guess. Little good it does without mullah behind it. That’s fine. It does tell me that people are drawn to them. Europeans mostly. I got a “fan” letter from a guy from the Netherlands. Creepily bending my ear and expertise. Not sure what I can tell people, except that they will put up their art, and someone will praise them the same. The ones that bug me are when I send an email to others to tell them I dig their work. I get nothing back. That bugs me. Sure they have a ton of fans. But it’s not that hard to send a note of appreciation. Get closer to the people who value your work. That’s how I feel anyway.

Another thing I’ve noticed though, with globalization is that, making things accessible to foreign markets. A movie that has very little dialogue does well around the world. We can’t rely on just the people we serve anymore. The people we serve are too savvy now. Total dickwads anyway. They have nothing but spite for product you make. I know, I’m one of them. Your success is their failure. Making films for international audiences is the place to be. They clamor for your point of view. For two reasons…1) their world sucks 2) pretty people are born outta’ the mutt’itude of Americans. Yes we are beautiful people because we’ll fuck anything. And that makes stunning looking people. In Taiwan, everyone looks the same. They’ll admit to it. Imagine if you lived in rural Kentucky. You’d get bored of looking at inbreds (just kidding Kentucky, you know I love y’all).

So, make shit for foreign markets. Put it “out there.” Don’t be scared about what others think. And flood the market with your genius. It goes back to what I wrote a few blogs back…you have to have enough material to bury the market. It may suck (probably will) but what’s the alternative? Dealing with assholes at work who guide your life? Who schedule your life? Fuck that. It should make you angry. Makes me furious.

Pitching Ideas To Low Attention Span Theater

I was having lunch with my friend Jessica. She's only 21 years of age and is a go-to model whenever I'm trapped to do something creative. She lives nearby. She'd reached out to me, desperate to something creative. Get back into photos.  Had I been irresponsible in high school, she could be my daughter. She has the same disposition of my nephew: bland. I think social media had melted their fucking brains. They've no real interest, just floating about until someone pushes them into something. Anything. They also lack highs and lows. It's just...blah. People of my generation get amp'd over stupid shit. Proud of it. Or, in some cases some of the grunge types buried themselves in Ritalin.

So as I was sitting there, trying to get a bead on her personality, I start rambling. If I'm not entertaining her, I'd at least entertain myself. I pitched her a few ideas (as she was navigating through her phone). I had three stories I'd told her. She finally looked up from her pho ga (Vietnamese chicken noodle soup) to say "sounds like you like looking at the past, and fucking with it...I'd watch that." Then went back to looking at her phone. Fact...I don't even think she looked up from her phone. Like I was some Dad at the breakfast table.

Man...tap dancing like a dumb monkey to entertain kids is tough work. Like a desperate weird-o looking for approval, I took whatever I could. And it felt good this hummingbird attention-spanned chick was throwing it out like table scraps. But...here's the odd part: I knew she meant it.

Now I think if I can hold the attention of this type, I must have something worth working through.

Loyalty In The Film Industry

Loyalty is a HUGE thing in Hollywood. Didn’t expect that, eh?

It’s true. I’ve been involved with a lot of projects who I constantly run into the same crew members. Some might say, “well, they know what they’re doing and they know how I like to work” and this would be true. But I think most productions are also very superstitious. Some wear the same underwear the whole production. They listen to the same song every morning before work. Or they have a lucky pen used for marking up their script. I’m no different. My ritual is simple, a cup of Earl Grey tea (it’s actually been in one of my deal memos/contract). It’s just the motion of drinking it. An elixir before stress.

I know I’ve pissed people off in the past with my on-set curmudgeon-y ways. I am cranky. Any behind the scenes video shows me in total contempt. I often wonder why people would want me on set at all. I gather it’s their ritual to see my stupid angry face as the wake up call of the morning. God, I hope not.

I also think that making movies does have a clubhouse/gang mentality. You do for me….I do for you. Tomorrow’s production assistant becomes the green-light guy in the future. Loyalty goes a long way. As does follow through. Finish what you start. Don’t let things self-destruct. I like working with the same people because new people are a liability. You don’t know their demeanor. Their idiosyncratic behaviors. I’ve been burned a few times dealing with complete strangers (have been burned being loyal as well, specifically a key grip that had worked with my gaffer, which I would consider more a stranger). It’s hard to crack into the inner sanctum of what has been established.

So my advice to you is to always always always find a way to get your own loyal band of merry men. You will float through life easier.  

"The Interview" vs. North Korea

I know I’ve said I wouldn’t go all political but…

How stupid are we with North Korea and “The Interview”?

I just watched the news and saw a bunch of people coming out of the theater saying “we won’t let people tell us what we can or can’t watch. This is a win for artistic freedom.”

FUCK YOU!

In what fucking world have we gotten where we believe North Korea gives a FLYING FUCK about us? Seriously. They keep their people in the dark. Brain wash their population to loyalty to the nation. They don’t care about us. Just think…in what capacity does a movie about the assassination of Kim Un become a true threat, especially two bumbling clowns like Franco & Rogen? They aren’t. More than likely, no one in that country will ever watch it. Shit, they probably couldn’t identify Marilyn Monroe in a line-up. They don’t care about us.

Yes, there was a breach of security at Sony. And executive Amy Pascal got nailed for harsh emails. So fucking what? We all have dark thoughts, and express them to people to vent. IF you were judged by your thoughts, you’d be fucked. Should she have sent them to other execs? No. But it’s her business and we shouldn’t give a flying shit. We already know people are shit. This is the cynicism you’ve created. Anyone who believes there is good in people to do the right thing when the wrong thing is on the tip of their tongue. That’s on them. Listen, I know people say shit about me. I say shit about others. Some I consider friends. Others are just busybody dummies who have wasted life. My thing is, shred that much time to talk shit about others and worry about what I should be doing in life. The more I talk about others, the less I feel I’m doing for myself. Train yourself to worry about your own shit. IF people are talking shit about you, you’re probably doing something right.

And without sounding too douchey…apparently North Korea (remaining silent) is doing everything right, ‘cause we’re talking about them.

"Footloose" (1984)

Just revisted a movie from 1984 called “Footloose” with Kevin Bacon. Most of you have heard that movie. A solid solid movie. It was 30 years ago. The movie is actually an amazing accomplishment if you listen to the commentary by writer Dean Pitchford. Guy is an unknown genius…little do people realize, he didn’t just write the movie…he wrote the songs too. Yes. The songs that include “Holding Out For A Hero”, “Let’s Hear It For The Boy,” “Almost Paradise,” and the title “Footloose.” It’s insane the hits this guy co-wrote. And is virtually unknown.

The movie was released by Paramount, when Dawn Steel was the head of the studio. If you know about her history, she wasn’t known for her tact. Nor her ability to hide her opinions of things. She supported this movie. BUT didn’t want Kevin Bacon on the project. Since, SHE didn’t find him sexy in the least. My guess is she probably said “I wouldn’t fuck him.” Keep in mind, she was the one who LOVED the script and champion its production. There’s been little said about her passing. Questionable death under the age of 60.

Anyway…

…to get him into the project (which by the way, they’d already gone through Tom Cruise, who missed the window due to commitment to “All The Right Moves” & Rob Lowe, who’d broken a bone during the dance audition) they had him do a filmed screen test. To get him to be attractive to Dawn, they paid a GQ hair cutter $1500 to get Kevin a great hairdo. In 1984, that is insane. To make things even more difficult…Kevin had just been offered the lead in “Christine” the Stephen King car movie directed by John Carpenter. They just wanted him. No testing, no nothing. So…Kevin had two choices…take the money and the “go” movie with “Christine” getting paid (it was a success) OR test for the POSSIBILITY of “Footloose.” ANY one of us would probably take the sure thing. The thing Craig Zadan (producer) had promised him was that…”Footloose” would make him a star. There is NO WAY you can guarantee this and he knew it. Think about that for second, a movie that there are no guarantees, you lie to someone. Do you start drinking or do you start doing cocaine?

The director, Herbert Ross, didn’t seem to know too much about the politics. Or he was just too rich or didn’t care. Guy got a director’s cut though.  He was successful. And didn’t seem to want his hands dirty over it. It was beneath him, but he loved the material as well. Nothing like good material.

So, the screen test…Herbert Ross was good with Kevin, but they had to still clear him with Dawn Steel, Michael Eisner, Barry Diller...basically the who’s who of  suits who ruled 80’s-2000 cinema (then at the time execs at Paramount). They had Kevin in different wardrobe, cut together with Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” (yes, this is how silly it got). Just before the screening Dawn Steel pulled aside Craig Zadan (producer) and said “I hope you have another actor in your back pocket, because I will NEVER approve him.” They went into the theater. Screen test started. 60 seconds into it an executive in the back screamed out “Oh my God, he’s fantastic, he’s hired.” To which they begged for the screen test to stop. They didn’t want an excuse to NOT hire Kevin. Dawn never brought it up ever again. This was BEFORE a single frame of footage was shot for the movie.

To think, this was a miniscule budget that was completely ignored during production. $8 million dollars. This is pocket change to studios. But this much drama for so little. Of course, this didn’t stop some from giving their opinion once production finished. Everyone has an opinion and it could derail your project. Usually people don’t know what your intentions are until it’s out there. They stood by their guns. Believed in their instincts. Buy stock in Pepto, ‘cause this isn’t for the faint of heart.

Why am I writing about this? Well, THIS is how fragile movies are in order to get made. You are essentially fighting an uphill battle all along the way. And there is no easy way. STICK BY YOUR COLLABORATORS. A collection is stronger than a lone warrior. If you were to sell “Footloose” today…you’d get a million “no’s” I’m positive it wouldn’t be taken serious. It wasn’t then either. These guys FOUGHT to get it made. Because they believed in the material so much. They believed people would pay money to watch it. Every single moment could’ve derailed the project. There were no easy moments. Decisions after decisions. And each one could kill your movie. Would it surprise you to know the original script didn’t even imply that it was a musical? In fact, music was still being written during the shoot. The first batch of music was killed. In their mind…NOT ONE HIT. No radio play poppy music. They dumped it all. And started from scratch (the rest is history).

This was at a time when MTV was just starting out. They cut together a montage with songs from the movie and gave it to them. No filmed sequences or anything done deliberate to promote it. Just that they linked themselves to MTV. They didn’t have anything to broadcast. It was fledgling station. They could just show Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” so many times. “Footloose” soundtrack dislodge Michael Jackson for a brief moment of time.

A sequel and a successful Broadway show later, this is still revered. And imagine what life would be like without “The Kevin Bacon Game.” It’s a time capsule for sure.

Happy

I was given so many opportunities to be happy. But I was too young and too stupid to really jump on those moments. Maybe it was for the best but I do consider it a form of regret.

I’m not sure what it is that makes us ignore these moments. I think we think we have more options than are available. Most would say…if it were meant to be, then happiness finds you.  I believe that to an extent. Happiness will find you. BUT…it ‘aint gonna show up to your doorstep and drag you with them. You do have to meet happiness halfway. In my case, I’d been slamming the door on its face like Jehova’s Witnesses. It took me a lot of time to even find a girl like Becky (years ago). And I think, and sometimes regret, that time had passed me. Being young and so driven in life, you forget to slow down and appreciate what’s in front. I think that is what people say when you “live in the present.” I was in too much of a fog of booze and self-loathing to understand the potential of a life together.

I miss what may have been most around the holidays. Maybe I wouldn’t have appreciated it. The way I should. But nothing beats having someone be your biggest fan. And be in your corner when you’re taking on the world. Nothing beats a woman who believes in you as a father of her child. You’ll never feel as awesome as when a person chooses you to spend the rest of their lives with. Conversely, nothing is as awful as when you aren’t seen in that light anymore. The emptiness you feel is debilitating. This is the risk you take. You decide if the prize is worth it. 

Time

Time cracks me up. Most people spend so much time marking it with no real discernible direction. If you’ve not spent your time wisely, you’ve wasted it. So weird. Time is only a barometer to gauge your mindset…I think. Too many people get desperate over it, instead of focusing on what I feel is more essential: accomplishments.

In movies, people are interested in youth. I think a lot of that has to do with your brain functioning at higher rate. A brand new car will travel much further. So it’s all an investment. Most older people in this business are really embittered. That’s the second part. Most of the time who people work with are very easy going people. If you’re going to spend a great deal of your day on set, you want someone who entertains you. Or is interesting. It’s a grind. Hurry up…wait. The mindset of a lot of producers/studios, old people are going to give you headaches. I find it not to be true. But that’s me.

Back to time. Time, to me, isn’t all that important. Time in the sense of marking your beginnings and ends anyway. I don’t own a watch. But I’ll say this much…if you give up the time between the time the sunrises to when it sets, it better be worth something.  Most people go through life allowing that precious “time” go. There is an very interesting quote (from Benjamin Franklin) in front of “Gone With The Wind” which said “don’t squander time, it’s the stuff life is made of.”  I think you’re a fool if you let the day go and NOT make something. ANYTHING. Or make your “time” worthwhile. If you’re suffering through a job you hate, I don’t understand this. It’s really unreal people do spend so much doing things for others (unless it’s altruistic, which is cool). But VALUE VALUE VALUE your efforts in life. Being in the service of others when you put your own life on hold isn’t going to make you happy. Do for yourself. It’s worth the sacrifice.

Happy Holiday, Ya' Heathens

I use to go to Christmas get-togethers at church. Yes, THAT church. The church that had hymns and goodwill and warm fuzzy feeling. Jesus. People are nice to each other. It's a ton of people talking about their lives. AND, a day where all bygones were bygones. But that was a huge pile of horseshit. The church I went to were catty fuckfaces. Chinese folk, predominantly. The problem with Chinese Christian church is that they are balanced between two worlds. One is the world that tells you to be kind to one another, to accept each other, to never judge. The other is a really ruthless money hungry social class ogre that rears its head every time someone has it better than them.

This is what I grew up with. And Christmas at church always reminded me of these two-faced shitheads. A chance for parents to compare each others' children. The piano-off between Asian kids is sickening. Thank God they never expanded to the violin. It's really catty. The best part...you'd never know it. Chinese folk come at you with grins. The more they grin, the more they hate your fucking guts. The more polite they are, the dumber they think you are. Chris Rock has a bit similar to it. The old racist black guy. Comes at you friendly, as you walk away, has to spit out his disgust for having to kiss your ass.

I do like Christmas though. Use to be one of those holidays where I could get blasted drunk and forget about the pissy year. This year...it hasn't been so bad. I've done a lot of things I can be proud of. I hope you all feel the same way too.
Merry Christmas!
(through a grin).

"Appaloosa": A Western

I finished watching an Ed Harris directed movie called "Appaloosa." It was released in 2008. It's a western. There is a strange axiom in Hollywood, that we shouldn't make a western. It doesn't sell. I have no idea why. It's got so much drama, dirty filthy whores, and death. It's got adventure and so much brother against brother violence, how can this NOT be movie fodder.

Nope. They don't want it. It just doesn't sell. I think it's because the youngsters who go to movies these days don't feel that type of limited time on their hands. A LOT of these people didn't live past their 30's. Young folk don't even care about people in their 30's. Anyone ever consider making a teen western? Yup. It failed. I think it was called "Texas Rangers." And it failed so bad, NO ONE will ever touch that genre again. Course the same people didn't believe a teenage vampire movie would've sold, had it not been for the "Twilight" bullplop. Lesson to be learned, it is very much timing.

I think "Appaloosa" was poor timing. It's actually a funnier movie than people realize. I think westerns are pretty grim. Harsh reality of survival that don't play well with free-spirited young folk. The old folk like watching them try to survive under the conditions. Or they just like horses. They don't spend the type of money mid-range teens to slightly over 20's do. In fact, given the senior discount...you can count most of their box office toast.

I've always wanted to make a western. I remember my Dad and I would watch westerns all the time. Guy LOVED John Wayne (hated Indians for some reason). He loved the wide open spaces. The newly formed frontier. The guy barely spoke English, but knew the story right away. This is a HUGE lesson for filmmakers. Tell a story a non-speaking American could understand. I really just want to make a movie my parents can understand. I think it's a great joy to see them impressed with what I've done. Specifically because my Pop and I use to go to the movies all the time. It'd be nice to share with them what all the hard work amounted to.

The Real Costs Of Movies

You know, it’s funny when people gripe about the cost of making a blockbuster movie. I’m not talking mid-level, or low independent I’m talking Marvel/DC Comic universe extravaganzas that have gone over $200 million to make.

First off, I can guarantee, it didn’t cost that much to make. Studios inflate numbers to make their project appear more important than it actually is. The illusion of movies are that, people get proud of how much they put on screen OR they try to impress with the thrift it takes to make it for nothing. “Saw” was done with a production cost under $1 million. I would almost guarantee most blockbuster actual physical costs are probably about that as much. If you are trying to break into movies, you’re probably scoffing by now. But think about it. Over half of all movies nowadays is green screen’d. Last I checked warehouse space rental (studio regulated) is at the highest $3000/month. Let’s even say they spend three months to shoot (I’m being generous, they cram it into less…principal photography). They’re no longer taking these crews to exotic places (skeleton crew only). They’re building them in some drafty place in the San Fernando Valley or on some computer in Santa Monica, California. The furthest they tend to travel is Atlanta, Georgia. The rest can be made up.

Man-power costs is deceptive also. From the ground up, on the camera crew side, a DIT operator/loader, 2^nd assistant camera, 1^st assist, and a operator is about the cost of a director of photography rate per day. It’s 1/10 of what an actor gets. Sound gets sit on, as does practical effects. All designated by a “union rate” that is oftentimes negotiated. Rentals of props, cameras getting food, makeup/hair. Do you think we could race to $1 million of actual physical costs? Probably fairly quick. But we’re not in that world anymore. You can pay skilled artisans practically minimum wage these days. Who keeps an eye on you while you’re in Detroit?

So, the accountant tabs everything together, and keep in mind, we’re moving armies over a mountain and making worlds. And the actual costs of making a movie is surprisingly low. Lower than you believe. So what makes up these costs?

Star salaries.

The only thing negotiated by people looking out for their interest. Why? Because their interest is also the negotiator’s interest. More money means a higher percent. On “Saw” some of the talent took backend deals. They got rich AFTER the movie was made for the simple fact they show their faces in what appeared to be a low-rent movie. It’s a gamble. You could make a high end piece of shit and get nothing, and still be linked with being in a piece of shit.

After all this…and let’s just say the average production cost is hovering $5 million dollars…this is the price of a single Tomahawk missile. This is with change back. Yes, a single piece of ordinance costs as much as every thing I mentioned above, IF you consider that worlds are being built for the same cost it takes to destroy a small village, it really boggles my mind we don’t gripe about military spending.  By the way, I’m basing these costs from 1995. Since I was watching a James Bond movie and thought to myself the military helicopter in it…one helicopter is the total cost of the production of the movie. In 1995. It would really sicken me to know what one costs now.

More Ideas Than You Need

I went to film school with a guy named Erik. He was a gregarious guy. Didn’t know he was a screenwriter and never saw a movie he did in school. I knew him peripherally. Ended up working on a small commercial he directed. Very calm guy. Lotsa’ laughs. I got the feeling he just liked the set atmosphere and not the actual making of everything. Would it surprise you that the same guy ended up directing a HUGE star-studded movie? We’re talking Donald Sutherland and Forest Whittaker type of movie. It got great critical reviews. Amazing push behind it. Got a ton of press. In 2014 it would’ve probably been splashed all over social media. In 2000, it moved the needle a tick in the trades. A nice tiny mention in the trades. But that tick was immeasurable. How so?

Because it wasn’t measured. I don’t know the details of the follow up, but his career died on the vine. Heat.

Heat is that thing that will slingshot you across the universe. It lights fires and burns quickly. Heat is what got stars to read his script. Heat definitely got it made. Then…nothing. I talked to a fellow alumni years ago about it. He’d told me a story about how he went to a restaurant one night on the west side of Los Angeles. The guy who was serving him was Erik. I’m sure he has a lot of stories that may put the fear of humanity in your heart.

Heat goes as quickly as it shows. I’ve been where Erik is. I’d be a cautionary tale, had I the career of Erik’s. But I was done by the time I was 30. As a cinematographer, I didn’t have the stomach for it. People hate. It’s their business to  lay it in on you. Because you’ve wasted their precious time. They take it out on you. And it rarely has anything to do with the movie you made. It’s that they are miserable in general. We’re trying to entertain a masses of people on drugs. The ones who aren’t have serious mental issues. Imagine trying to tap dance in an insane asylum. Half would toss their crap at you, the other would probably tap along. Either way, people will show their disdain for your existence.

I went to film school with a guy named Tony. He got Harvey Keitel to be in his movie. Broke HUGE. Took a lot of awards at Sundance actually. His movies are pretty niche. He loves telling dull lingering poetic stories ala Terence Malick. But he was no Terrence Malick. You can get away with pretentious crap if you’ve got Martin Sheen, Brad Pitt or Nick Nolte in your movie. Forget it if you’re Tony from Loyola Marymount.  I haven’t heard a single thing about him over a decade. I IMDB’d him.  His career stopped roughly around the time I finished school. He had a second feature, but…nothing. My guess, he’s back to doing what his parents may have wanted him to do. Take over the family business, which had nothing to do with movie making.

What am I getting at here? Success, glamour, heat is fleeting. If you aren’t generating mounds of material enough to bury the town, you aren’t going to make it. Nitwits at the sidelines say they have ideas, NONE of it comes to fruition. Because they don’t have enough.

I recently talked to a screenwriting fellow school chum. I’d asked him if he had any short ideas to make into short movies. He said he only worked in feature length movies. He has an agent. He works as a schoolteacher.  I mentioned that ideas are tough to come by in the short world, because it’s not easy telling a short. He snapped “I’ve got plenty of ideas brewing, not worried about that.” No he doesn’t. He has thoughts while stuck in traffic. None of which would make a good movie. Been there done that. 

Better Pick What You Wanna Do And Stick With It

I have a friend who knows me as a cinematographer. He's seen my films as director, but he still sees me as a cinematographer. Always will. I could make the next billion dollar "Star Wars" movie. He'd still think of me as "the cinematographer that directed 'Star Wars.'"

He's a stuntman. No one sees him as a director. He's directed a feature film. Cost him millions. Good movie or bad, he still directed it. And people can't look past his history of being a stuntman. He's phenomenal as a stuntman. Has been in blockbuster movies. Can't get anyone to trust him as a director.

How sad we are as people.

I am not quite sure why we do this. But I think it makes people feel better that they have a bead on you. As a cameraman, I do speak a different language than a director or writer. It's more artistic than technical (believe it or not). Very few cinematographers really understand the optics of lenses. Nor why you choose a lens. They do know what they like to see.

I guess, a discipline is also a very admirable thing. If you are what you say you are and do what you do, you must've spent years studying your craft. Maybe, some people don't want to insult you. For instance, if you are a cinematographer, and you tell people you write...their immediate reaction is to be a little shocked. No, no, no...you INTERPRET what smarter people have written. Or they say "well, at least you know the visual language."

If you are ever on a set, and you're something other than what you're doing at the present time, DO NOT say what you REALLY want to do. You'd think you turned the person blind from sharing your hopes and dreams from the eye rolling you'd see. You will get a great tap dancing show though.

Work Hard....For Yourself

I recently spent a great deal of energy revisiting a part of my life I'd started out wanting to do: direct movies. What's funny for a lot of this, is when you tell people what you set out to do. A LOT of fellow filmmakers are actually pretty catty about it. They don't care, or wish you worst luck. The most terrible of them give you advice, when clearly they hadn't been anywhere near making movies in decades. These people are the worst, 'cause they're the least secure about their own lives. I understand that feeling. That inability to do anything because you're too fucking lazy, but hate others are doing something. ANYTHING.

It got me thinking about hard work. What filmmakers do, is rough. It thumps on your psyche like you wouldn't believe. You live, breathe and eat potential failure. Worst -- spending so much time putting effort into something, when it is total crap. People will constantly remind you how fruitless filmmaking is. Probably share horror stories. But an iron will and a vision will get you pretty far (and this isn't advice I'm giving you, it's common sense).

So...why not work this hard for yourself? It's so strange that we consider making movies work. Yes, it is work. But you're doing something for yourself. You end up hating the process sometimes. But how do you feel when you are on other's schedule? Or that you are given a pittance of a salary to survive while you hate on your friend's YouTube vids? I say, shove all that and do something for yourself. The only person who should have faith in you, is you. Think about all the shitty opinions you have for your friend. Is this not displacing "what you would do" if you had the chance. So, take that chance.

Some people drive me nuts because they don't do this. They are more happy to do something menial with no hope of a future, while attempting to throw cold water on someone else's thoughts. If you want to suffer, why not suffer for yourself. I think if you change your mentality to this, you will feel more content in your life choices. We don't have second chances once it's yanked away. I'm not saying live a reckless life. But we all have something we were better off doing. Go chase that. Go enjoy doing something for yourself, as it is much more fulfilling.

"Poolside" Thoughts After

“It was like Malick meets Fincher” wrote one watcher. “…like watching a car wreck slowly unfold” wrote my friend Ashley.

These were the reactions to a short movie I made recently called “Poolside.”

I was thrilled when it was completed. It’s been a while since I made anything and decided that, in the shadow of sobriety, why not make something. And actually shoot it on film. It brought me back to my film school days. A little rougher trying to get people to help. But was equally thankful for the people who did. I’m not sure ANYONE understood what we were trying to accomplish. Sans my lead actor Vince, whom I’ve done many a project with. He was brilliant. And I hope whatever I write here never goes to his head, but the word “sublime” would be me being extremely understating how great it is to find someone who already figures out the character you’d conjure in your head. I don’t always agree with actor’s methodologies, but whatever got him to where he needed to be, needs to be kept doing (hope that made sense).

The story, without ruining too much, is about a guy who lives in his own head. On a bright sunny day, he wakes next to a beautiful woman. They seem to have a loving relationship. Relaxing under the sun. So full of love for each other. But it’s an illusion as most love eventually becomes. Something sours in him. And he desperately holds onto happier past memories, that appears to be a little too idealistic to truth. What is it about their relationship that doesn’t sit well with us, is revealed in the end.

I thought a lot of people, especially in today’s society, can relate to a fleeting burst of passion fizzling as quickly as presented. The germination of the idea came with a girl I’d met at a bar one night having two dates with her, and she just vanished without rhyme or reason. In my day, you’d at least hem and haw and give a poor explanation. But, people build SO much in their minds about what a person is. And we don’t live in that world anymore. My friend Jared told me that relationships are like that now. He had a co-worker who’d gotten stood up by an online date, then he took to the social media to berate the woman publicly. He came off as a total toolbag. Jared had to explain to the guy that people are like that. They come and go. And we no longer have that luxury of well….want. Yes, the concept is wanting. Wanting something so bad you build someone to be something they’re not. Or the excitement of getting an opportunity to grow a relationship. Fuck that. People come and go. And if you don’t impress within a few minutes, they disappear. And it’s true on both sides of the coin. Guys disappear just as quickly. And for just as dumb reasons.

I digress. “Poolside” to me was a true labor of love. From everyone involved. Here’s something that may come as a shock to some people. People REALLY REALLY REALLY want to hate your movie. Listen, my script was 3 pages long. THREE. It took some effort to get people to read it. I don’t even think the actress read it. The final cut of the movie was 5 minutes long. My creative consultant took a week to read it.  Then an additional two weeks after completion (months later) to finally watch it. This is the guy whom I’ve gotten great feedback from, having read it. AND, I’ve told him repeatedly the projects I’ve been involved in. The talent I’ve worked with in the past. Still, I got the sense he thought I was some schlub (I mean bigger than tolerable). I mean truth be told, I don’t look like much. However, keep in mind, he’s also a struggling screenwriter, with no credits.

People want to hate your movie, because they feel forced to watch it. And…to be honest…there is only a downside to watching any friend’s movie. If it sucks, you have to make up a lie as to how it can be better. If it’s decent, you still have to spend your valuable time to watch it. And most short movies are bad. Just terrible. So the odds it will be good, are very very very slim. Conversely, I do think people like surprises too. Especially if it’s crafted decently. I think we may be too saturated with a digital world that a ton goes on the wayside. I mean, there are too many digital looking movies. People are sick of jittery, gonzo crap. I think people are clamoring for classic style again. For formality.

Anway, today as I was at work, he beelined to me in the office shook my hand “Man…great film man. Really great work” He’s the type that would avoid you if it sucked. Yeah, he was impressed of what a band of gypsies could do. My point being…I am very proud of this project. I’m not sure why this stands out more than my other ones. I think, because it was done so off the radar. And it was like (Werner Herzog has opined) tugging a boat up a mountain. Also, it’s very methodical. My film school friend was very impressed. And he was one of the dickier people back in the day. What impressed him, was the maturity…I think. And I think it’s being less about faking moments and rather letting moments unfold. What a lot of people say, allowing the scene to dictate the pace. During production, it was mentally painful. Trying to set goals for myself. Hating the cut. Being okay with the cut. Shopping the cut. Losing all hope. Finally dragging a sound mixer to finish the movie (polishing what I thought was already done…in my head). Trying to move on with other things. Needing to finish something. ANYTHING. Finally, the completion, where now it belongs “out there.”

One thing I’d learned from my hero Billy Wilder, is that you leave the end as quickly as possible. Say what you need to say and get out before the audience knows you’re gone. I try my damndest to do so.

On to the next one.

"Out Of The Furnace" thoughts

It’s pretty fool hardy maybe of me to say, but sometimes I really dislike movies that tell us how life sucks. I think there definitely is a market for movies like that. But for me, I really like movies that the audience gets to discover on many levels. What people may refer to as “layers.”

I recently watched “Out Of The Furnace” a movie starring Christian Bale as a townie who tries to keep his brother (played by Casey Affleck) out of trouble with the local hillbillies. The town is pure poverty. And at any given moment, they remind you of it. The trashed home. The beer drinking in the morning. The Alleghany river slang. It all gives you flavor. And it is harsh. I mean, you smell the people through the screen. Now, as filmmakers, you really want to take people to a place that they don’t have access to. A LOT of people have access to white trash. Sometimes it’s too realistic. Small town politics. Hands are tied to criminals and so forth. Is this a movie? Not to my tastes. Is it storytelling? NOPE. I’ll tell you why.

…imagine what it was like back in the caveman days after coming home from being out on a hunt. You’re tired. You’re in pain. The sun probably boiled your skin to a leathery texture. It’s a total shit show. Now, Ogg, the town storyteller comes forth and…tells you about how tough it is doing what you just got back doing. In other words, stories are suppose to be made up. Not…Ogg looking out his damn cave and reporting. If I wanted reporting, I’d watch CNN. Or…you get my meaning. It’s all trying to escape. And if I have to reminded how much society sucks towards one another, it doesn’t make me forget my miseries. I mean, murder mysteries make more sense (and as God as my witness, you’ll have to pry those from my dead cold hands). Since there is an unfolding plot and a whodunit. I’m intrigued. Movies like “Out of the Furnace” seems to draw a lot of jokes. Such as “out of the furnace? Shit put it back in, that movie ‘aint done yet” or “It was better in the furnace.”

Anyway, if you make movies, try to make something good happen at the end. Or at least an upbeat moment. People want to whistle your tune out of the theater. They don’t buy popcorn to watch two sweat soaked brothers dirty steel workers in a dying town do back yard fight club for money whilst Woody Harrelson watches on. Or maybe they do. In which case, get extra butter.

"Revolutionary Road" thoughts (possible spoilers)

Finally got around to watching “Revolutionary Road.” It’s a solid flick, but one where, if you’re in a long term relationship, you will get a sense of why this movie rings true. Although, not a complete depiction of mundane married life gone wrong, you get a brilliant moment that I’ve had in my own intense relationship that one person just stopped caring altogether. And what transpires from that is this dead-inside feel.

There is a moment where the Kate Winslet character runs into the woods, just to get some space to think. I had a moment similar happen to me. There was nothing I could say or do to make it better. She just hated the sight of me. The idea that we’d even slept together, more than likely, sickened her. Nothing….I mean nothing was going to change that feeling. As much as I’d felt differently, or wondered if we could’ve re-captured that intense passion, it was dead in her. And there’s no turning back. In the movie, the next morning was the harshest. Polite conversation between people who once had intense love for one another, treating each other respectfully is death. I’ve gone through this as well. The sense is that there is no room for talk anymore. All that is over. What exists is a semblance of a relationship, at a stalemate. Neither wants to speak of the fight the night before, because (in my case anyway) she didn’t want to fix what was broken beyond repair. Get this fellas. There will be a moment, no matter how much you try, she will be repulsed by you. I’m not sure why this is, but it happens to every single long term relationship person I know. I think it’s because they get sick of your stories. Or your mannerisms. Or your stupid fucking face. That’s not to say you don’t feel the same way. But to a guy, a woman who loses that challenge, is still a great moist hole to bang. To a woman, she’s checked out emotionally, vacant. Dead eyes. I pity the man on the receiving end of the dead eyes of a woman. Not that you kill her. But she no longer cares about you. Or what happens to you.

To the guys out there who get burned, I wish you the best in losing that feeling for her before she does of you. Because…you won’t know it. She’d already checked out a year earlier and prepared herself (steeled herself) for the pain that follows. You will feel blindsided, angry and hurt all at once. For the guy, I hope you have the mental capacity to sustain that shot to the ego. Because it hurts like a bitch. Especially if it’s the first. Because, it sure as shit won’t be the last.

I Should've Done More

I get into a really weird mind space where I don’t really completely understand about everything anymore. Use to be, some of what I did was to get attention. It doesn’t even interest me anymore to get the love and adoration of people. Recently I spoke to a friend who worked with a really prominent director. He’s worked with big named actors. Robert DeNiro, Tom Cruise, Colin Ferrell, Daniel Day Lewis to name a few. He’s really old now and he buys really expensive sports cars. He also fires people over the phone. Rudely. He’s a piece of work. And is known in the movie business as such. He’s already gone way over budget on the last movie because he can’t make a decision. Not that he’s a buffoon. Quite the opposite actually. All I can say is that he’ll probably die a miserable fucking guy. With a lot of expensive cars. Guy doesn’t sleep well at night. He is constantly living in his movie world.

It doesn’t interest me to die like this. I’d like to make movies that people enjoy watching or that I can bring a little escape for people. I think we work too hard in our daily life to suffer through movies that reflect the misery in life. I think it’s a bit too easy to make people feel shitty. Hard to cheer people up. I’m terrible at comedy. But if I ever had to make a movie about escapism, it would be really cool. In fact, I’d love to do something sci-fi. Except good sci-fi ideas are taken. Or I’m too dumb to realize the “sci-” part. I’d like to live either in the past or in the future. The present is too boring. I’m bored as I wrote that.

I think this sobriety thing has made constantly agitated and off kilter. Sometimes I feel like I need to make up for lost time. More than anything…I feel like I should do SOMETHING. I don’t wanna die knowing I didn’t do everything in life I wanted to. But I’m also very intestinally weak. Literally, my gut hurts. And I constantly feel queasy. Sure it’s too much coffee. But, it’s debilitating. And I sometimes smack myself and say “get it together man!!” Because my body seems to be turning on me. And I can’t stand that.

I wish I had the energy and drive I had when I was in my 20’s. I should’ve done more.

Eric Garner R.I.P.

I try not to be political in the least. I don't even know the details of this death, other than a man who'd been repeatedly told not to do something, finally frustrated the police so much, they physically attempted to detain the guy, and ended up killing him. This is murder. But an accidental murder. But how often do we say to ourselves, that we didn't mean to do something. Or a murderer says that they never meant to hurt the person they killed.

This was different than the Michael Brown case, in that the victim also suffered a heart attack from the incident. Seeing the morbidly obese man, it's pretty clear that a guy that size probably wasn't going to live long anyway. Not to say his death was inhumane, but to not allow a trial seems so...wrong.

I get the guy being in a criminal act. Or that he has a history of criminal behavior. But choking a guy in public to death, is not only gruesome, it just feels wrong. In that sense, it's hard to believe a grand jury wouldn't see enough evidence to, at the very least, ask deeper questions. Not that they'd ever find any. But this police brutality badge is going to haunt them further because of this. NO ONE wins.

My solution has always been simple. Stay off their radar. Yes, but what if by just existing you are always on their radar. True. A black man in a luxury vehicle driving through Compton is always going to get looks. Gets looks from every race. Doesn't matter. We all profile. And it's strange to hold police accountable for what we do generally, in life. Can we ignore an Asian in a all black neighborhood? No.  We naturally believe, this person is either lost or due to demographics, out to buy drugs. Does it mean they are? No. If they're lost, they have assistance. If they aren't selling drugs and just passing through, that's all that needs to be said. This distrust for police is an attitude issue, not a police brutality issue. No one likes to take responsibility, sometimes, for their own bad behavior. It's just shocking how much we haven't spoken about bad behavior leading up to these deaths. But focus on the deaths themselves. I implore people to come up with a solution instead of chanting catchy phrases. Like "Hands Up Don't Shoot." Or "Can't breath." How about "crime is crime. You will get noticed." Yeah, I know, not as catchy. But you get my drift.

Making Stuff With Your Hands

In my daily job, I don't make anything. I provide a service. I think deep down inside, we all want to make something. I think that's why one foot (for me) is always in filmmaking. I think when you create something from scratch, you do have a certain God quality to it. You are making new worlds, and expressing your creative side to the world. Most likely if you write a book, or record music, people are quicker to diminish your craft. The minute you say that you made a movie, people are curious as to what story you could possibly tell.

I HAVE to make something with my hands. I hate that we are getting further and further away from manufacture. Too much of what we do today is moving stuff. Mental logistics. You get this drive that's put in this hardware reader, it reads and spits out to this other computer, gets processed and moved along. I think, in a weird way, it actually makes your brain slower. Since half the time you're battling it out with the thing that's suppose to help you. I prefer to machine something. Cut something apart, put together. Yes, in a way making movies is the previous. It's intellectual property. HOWEVER, the physical part is the game plan and execution. It's moving mountains. Making emotion from nothing. Building a train set. There is no other craft that puts all of the other disciplines into one like filmmaking. Everything about it is immersive in every creative nuance. Music, sculpting, photography, design, fashion, etc...Everyone wants to direct, but if one of these falls short in your peripheral, you go batshit nuts. This is why the older guard, directors such as Ridley Scott or Michael Mann are so hands on. The smallest nuances keep them up at night. It's a form of OCD, I suppose. Just the minutiae drives them and (most likely) their family members up the wall. You have to be so interior with your thoughts. Most people think it's fun. It's brain marathon that is past a 10k. It hurts like a bitch. Emotionally, creatively, and sometime spiritually. You are leaving yourself out there to be judged. In the case of fun adventure movies, the last thing anyone wants to do is to disappoint their audiences.

I guess I've gained a new appreciation for film making when it comes to collaborators. My final touch on my short film came from a final sound mix. He not only lifted my film to a new level, he added his own creative touches I never even considered. If I were to be asked if delegation was the core of creativity, I'd be hard pressed not to say it is ESSENTIAL to the quality you demand of yourself.

I think most of us need to make things with our hands. It's a true sense of accomplishment, just the mere feeling of holding an object with your hand. I'm no psychologist, but I think people like a visual representation of the work they've done. Unfortunately, as it's sometimes lost into a computer, or you walk away empty handed, there is a sense of "what the hell did I do anyway."

Universal Health & Capitalism

When I was in Taiwan a few years back, I went with my Dad to get him his high blood pressure medication. We signed into a building packed full of humanity. I mean, there were elbow to elbow. When you first entered, there was a large table with people sitting behind it. It was a nurses station. A woman waved at me. Just pointed and waved me forward. My Dad told me that it was just a quick physical check. “Free?” I asked. “Yes” my Dad said. I went over to the nurse and rolled up my sleeve. Within a few minutes, my arm was wrapped in a pressure reader. Within a few more minutes, they told me I had slight blood pressure and slightly high cholesterol. I’ve NO idea how they’ve told me what three weeks wait and an online reservation did in America. I’m not saying all things in Taiwan is better, but whole hot damn if they aren’t efficient. AND, they have universal health care. That means all children are born free of charge. As are surgeries and some medication. I learned later on that no one is ever turned away from care.

It got me thinking…

…People in America are really financially driven. The state physicians in Taiwan are paid a flat rate. There is no other reward aside from the title of being able to help others in pain. It is an honorable profession. Yes, they do make a nice salary. Better than say, a librarian. But they are content to what they make, determined by a union ideal. And the ideal isn’t a money grab. I think that is the difference between America and Taiwan (in terms of health care). America makes money on your health care, Taiwanese make money if you don’t return and are cured.

Capitalistic mentality DOES NOT WORK when it comes to people’s health. The unspoken truth is that we profit when people get ill. Never when they are cured. To the opportunist, this is a well of never ending money.  I think it’s a mindset too. Many of my friends who go off to an Asian country are perplexed the level of politeness you get from them. Versus the anger that Americans have towards each other. I get the feeling, oftentimes, we don’t care to deal with each other. In places like Japan and Taiwan, they function because people are around them. Total complete strangers wave and say hello. Business are run out of homes, in the middle on the night. With NO fear of crime. I’m not joking. My Dad and I stopped off to get some breakfast, pretty much waking up a complete stranger from their home. They weren’t thrilled to see us, but they were super polite to our intrusion.

It is shocking to a lot of Americans who do go overseas, the people just are more…patient with each other. Perhaps it’s less need to overspend. This is NOT to say money is of no value. Or that people wish they were rich. Oftentimes I’d hear my aunt or uncle speak of playing the lottery in hopes of striking it rich. Those are my city relatives, conversely my country relatives live in a house way too large for their mid-sized family. And toiled in the fields for every dime. They are the Beverly Hillbillies, Taiwan edition.

I do like my solitude here in America. Which is why it is better for me. The charm of “old school” America is faded in my mind. Americana were neighborhood picnics. Street fairs. Community living. Ohio was as American and sweet as you can make it. Nowadays, people may be too advanced to appreciate that simplicity. It’s just too quaint. And we’re not there anymore.

People Pleasers

Man...one of the worst conditions when you get into the entertainment business is that you are (or become) a people pleaser. "Yes sir, right away...already with ya'" It's aggravating, because the reality is far worse than anyone that would come upside your head with a fist.

I hate being a people pleaser, and I hate people pleasers. Not hate. But can see how transparently I disgust them. Recently I'd just been fed up. My wet brain blurts out a lot of random angry thoughts. And I don't filter at this point. I think that's the same case as my previously nutty roommate. She was a people pleaser. She would feel that she allowed me to do things even though I'd come forward with an open door policy of telling me when things are wrong. She never did. Until it built up. And exploded. People pleasers are scary this way. Because deep down inside, we're sick of 1) always doing others' bidding 2) not being to express how stupid we think you are.

People aren't stupid. Not helpless. They take advantage of people pleasers hoping to see where you draw the line. I think as you get older, you do draw a tighter line. Unable to want to step in and do above and beyond. Since you're never appreciated for what you've done, nor respected for what you've done. People pleasers are someone like Robin Williams. They will snap. Either at themselves or others.

I think the best way to combat this is to just let the baby have their bottle. If you find someone who is trying really hard to please, step back let them do what they feel they need to do. Whatever you do, DO NOT constantly be appreciative. I think this is where it really derails. When a people pleaser gets validation. If you are a people pleaser, figure out why. What is the approval of someone have to do with you as a person. It's strange how much more leverage standing your ground becomes to people who try to test your limit.

Taking Money For Your Skill

Ya know, I'm really bad at taking people's money unless it's a faceless corporation. I have no idea why. Like for services rendered (that aren't sex related, naturally), it's really difficult for me to charge people. I think the artist part of me always likes giving away art. Sharing it. Somehow putting a price on it makes it seem...cheap.

People, if they like what you do, will throw money at you. I found myself throwing money at my sound mixer, because he went above and beyond anything I could imagine. I would almost guarantee you he felt weird taking money. Even the discussion of being paid for creative work rendered is SO awkward.

I think this is what separates successful artists from great artist that have a side business. The ability to value what you do more than other people value it. It's a really hard thing for a lot of creative types to accept. That it IS a business. And you have to ask for things. Even though it is sometimes very uncomfortable. I can bet you a few of my jobs in the past , if I had only asked for a larger sum, they would've given it to me with no hesitation. It's all in our heads how much we think our services mean. In a job where it is serviced in a sense of direct give-n-take (for instance waiter)...it's set in some societal norm to collect 'X' amount. It's established. For your own skill and art, it's different. There is no set amount. It's so much easier when someone can tell you how much that service is worth. I am often shocked and grateful when the amount exceeded what I had in mind.

I think in order to be a successful artist, you need to get that off your shoulders. There is no shame in taking money for your craft.