So I've seen the doctor and it seems that they finally can't figure out a damn thing that is wrong with me. All I can think of now is that it's mostly all in my mind not sure what my drama is but it's causing me to have body soreness. And um I've had myself tested so they can't find nothing wrong. A lot of terrible thing that happened to me recently. I have had my car stolen. I'm stressed out about my job not because I'm not confident in what I do but because the management seems to think our depatment is not generating revenue. Which it seems is dead until next year. I think I live in here but I don't know why maybe because I had a lot more confidence when I was younger how I wake up someone reading what is a head I'm not sure there's a lot of things that I could sort of not take into account. Maybe something that I have really come to terms with maybe lot of resentment and anger towards a girl that I used to date I have bad dreams about it no closure the worse I feel like I've lied to get a reaction. I think it's manifesting itself into some sort of anger and pain that I have the inability to feel at this point my body I think is numbing me because it knows that I can't handle it all at once this stems from me stopping drinking. To dull me from the pain of that comfort I once had.
Maybe it's coming all at once I mean it's been 3 years since my last drink. And that pain that I feel right now and that numbness and brain fog I think is as a result of my alcoholism may be fighting back. Not in the physiological way but maybe something I haven't resolved. I think about my ex-girlfriend from college lot and I consider what her life must be like right now I feel sad becausr that was a life that I may have had but I traded it for this life I didn't, I regret. It's taking me a long time to learn it I think that the profession I chose...I've come to regret. I'm not sure people realize how hard it is to come to that conclusion every single time someone questions what I do or how I do it it does put another nail in my choice to be out here I know I said a lot that I've sacrificed a lot to be out here. I just didn't really mentally prepare myself for that great loss. Becky is gone and that's a death in the family I replayed the most comforting moments of my life and the most surest and it all came down to the moment I spent in Maryland I can remember the time where I felt truly loved and the love of a family that I thought I would be with for a lifetime. I've spent a long time trying to figure out why I felt so much pain but that wasn't able to cry or process anything and now it's come to an age where it manifests in physical pain I didn't really think that it was supposed to work like this. I thought I can power through using my mind and my body and my faith I think I spent a lot of time considering that I wasn't the right choice for her and that really hurts because I always thought that people put a lot of faith in me. That some other guy out there got to live the life I left behind. And they're happy and I'm miserable.
I think the same thing happened to a lot of people who have reached stardom they see a lot of people who really adore them and really have faith and hope and love for them but in reality I think it was that person that got away that kills them inside. I must not have come to terms with that yet. Most people just tell you to stop moping about a girl that didn't choose you. They see it as weakness. And the cycle continues.I'm very envious of people who never have to face these demons. Chances are most hide it better.
So I just need to know the core of why. And how. How did my mind make me this sick? How can I repair? How did I get this bad?
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