Sunday, May 10, 2015

Happy Mother's Day, Mother Fuckers

I fell for it. I don't care. Bought my 70+ year old mother (not really sure how old she is) a bouquet of flowers for the special day and had that shit delivered. Luckily it also came with free chocolates for her to complain how fat she's become. "Can I get it without the free chocolates?"
"No, you can order this other deal that is more expensive, but doesn't come with chocolates" (paraphrasing)
"So, by not getting this extra thing, I'm paying extra. You know that concept of goods service versus price?"

silence

"fuck it, gimme the one with free chocolates, she'll re-gift to one of my sisters."

This is a day where father's hide. And kids put crayons and popsicle sticks together with macaroni to make a fucked up portrait of ma. Yeah, internet ProFlowers=much easier. With less glue sniffing. And I'm not 5 years old. Personally, I think the thought of flowers slowly dying in your kitchen, maybe a perfect metaphor for your relationship with your mother.

So yeah, Mother's Day is one of those days where mothers also convince you that EVERY day should be mother's day (they're a rabid bunch). Right, lady. I chose to be here. They really go out for the free shit. "I'm a mother, gimme my free coffee, fuckface" "Ima' mother, gimme a donut." "Ima' mother, gimme that Maserati." How the fuck are these people suppose to know you're a mother? The long deep etched in crow's feet? The distended stomach just above the vagina? Your word? My mom got wise and got herself a "mother's ring." This is a ring with her 3 children's birthstone. She can wave that shit in someone's face and demand crap on this very special ONE day. So she spent thousands on a ring to get a Wal-Mart donut. It's the thought that counts.

My sister actually was smarter. She gets them a day after. Talk about discount! And if she complains..hey! Everyday is Mother's Day, bitch.

No comments:

Post a Comment