"Ladyhawke" (1985)

Even director Richard Donner’s most corniest, lamest movies are better than the best of what today has to offer. It’s so corny, they spelled hawk with an “e.”

This movie is lame, but it’s a special kind of lame, because it’s injected with a lot of schtick. I don’t remember it being funny, granted I was only ten years old when this over came out, I was expecting “The Goonies” type of adventure, but instead get “Excalibur” or something like that. And the oddest part…Matthew Broderick gets top billing over Rutger Hauer (I guess because of "War Games" and four years out from her performance as a coked-up polluted womb gangster moll in “Scarface” Michelle Pfeiffer. I would’ve loved to have known Pfeiffer around this time. She is stunning then as she is now. I mean, we should all pray and hope we find a wife that ages as gracefully as she does. I say that about Meryl Streep too, but she was too many political horse-puckey you may get annoyed. Pfeffer is just eye candy. Nice cheek bones, the fairest in the land. Except for one thing…she’s too modern looking. Like beautiful in the 1980’s term. Everytime she speaks it’s like being transported back to that material world. Also, why does Broderick talk like a Shakespearean actor while the rest sound so 80’s? That’s baffling. Rutger Hauer is miscasted as well. He's got such an evil look to him. Upon some research (IMDB) apparently Kurt Russell was suppose to play the lead! That would've been amazing. To listen to that phe-nook do Old English would've been worth the price of admission. Curtis "Booger" Armstrong tried out for the Gaston the thief (that would've been perfect, as he looks French AND is so shaggy).

I’m convinced the story was from a single concept that got extended to a full blown movie. Two lovers defy the eyes of a magical/spiritual person and reap the curse of being together while apart. Rutger is a wolf by night while Pfeiffer is human, and at the change from night to day, she becomes a hawk and he becomes human. Pretty cool, eh? Except, who fucking cares? It does seem like an excruciating curse, as they can only see each other in passing. Had I met the love of my life, or someone like Charlotte McKinney (look her up...cause my computer would overheat), yeah…that would suck balls. But Pfeiffer…yeah she’s beautiful, but oh so woefully bland. I’m not saying casting Big Boob dumb blonde McKinney is the answer, but I certainly would kill a Bishop over her. I guess the euphemism would be “wax the bishop.” Yeah, long way to get to a joke.

So, along the way, Matthew Broderick, who plays the thief and a runaway criminal is befriend by Rutger in hopes to show him a way back to his captors. The same people who ordered this curse. He’s a happy go lucky career schlub. A people pleaser, but still a con man. He seems to learn a little about true love between the conversation he has with the human side of the two (rather than the animal…duh). And thus, the journey is worth taking.

One thing, if you choose to watch this, what the flying fuck is up with the music. I swear this was due to HEAVY drug use. It seems like the smooth hits of the 80’s without lyrics. As if Gio Moroder just vomited on himself. The music is horrid. It removes you completely from the movie. Which now I’m going to do some research on IMDB to see how many people shat themselves over how bad it is. Because it’s THAT bad. I can’t recall a medieval movie that had synthesized music before. Not even “Conan The Barbarian” was that ballsy.

But…it’s worth a lazy rainy Sunday watch. The cinematography by Vittorio Storaro is amazing. To think it was shot 30 years ago is unbelievable. The color is breath-taking. Keep in mind, Vittorio is credit for starting that “mixed temperature” look that is prevalent in movies today. If you have two contrasting colors with the warm being the skin tone, you can thank Vittorio for that. But I am confused as to the graduated sky filter. Makes the sky look orange. I wouldn’t doubt for a second Tony Scott watched these movies for reference (“Top Gun” came out the year after). Movie’s goofy, though I doubt a kid these days would have the patience or the intellect for the tongue-in-cheek jokes. They come pretty fast and makes you do a double take. I can almost guarantee that was Tom Mankewicz’s (creative consultant) contribution (listen to both Donner and Mankewicz’s commentary on “Superman 2”).