Bah Hum Cheer

Hello Holiday shoppers

Don’t be fooled this year by those sappy, yet charming, movies about family get- togethers if you’re alone and not planning on attending any party this year. It’s a total ruse. Last night, I skipped out on my company’s annual holiday party, because it’s definitely a place where people revel in…uh…NOT complaining in the office? Who knows. I know back in the day, they gave away a lot of stuff, like TVs and whatnot. Even that is a weird enticement to attend a party. You have to ask yourself, why they would need to dangle anything for you to go? It’s all corny. Especially with the office whore-bag who has to touch you and everyone else. Not a bad thing if you’re hard up for tail, TERRIBLE if she’s a mid-50 year old swinger who wants to hate-fuck you along with a 60 year old I.T. guy.

Speaking of those family get-togethers. Fuck that. It’s all some terrible obligation to show you give a shit about family. In reality, you like to sit at home and watch football. And you know the one guilt laden thing they push on you…”c’mon! It’s only once a year.” Yeah, so is the flu. These holiday movies make it seem like you should give a fuck. The reality is, you look around the people you visit and you wonder how you’re related to these people. That’s why on most holidays, I use to hide out with friends. People who I wanted to hang out with. Seems that’s why bars are packed on Xmas, that’s much more tolerable than living up to the Christmas dream world cooked up by Hollywood. Yeah, it’s cynical and pretty much Grinchy, but I recall being dragged to meet my girlfriend’s (at the time) grandparents. Her mother’s parents. This was someone I was serious about. Apparently serious enough to go this deep into the hive. Strangely enough, they were old West people who dreamed of going back to Santa Fe, New Mexico and were stuck in Maryland for what purpose…I’ve no clue. Lotsa’ other old people in the southwest. Miserable anger and cold in the Chesapeake.  It was so awkward, meeting them at the Red Lobster (yeah, a Red Lobster in Maryland, home of the blue crab). They maybe were being…polite, that I wasn’t banging their granddaughter or something. But they spoke very little. And I was constantly referred to as a “friend” rather than “boyfriend.” Luckily Grandpa made Manhattans (I think he was also a heavy drinker) and we just drank and ate seafood. Another reason to love Red Lobster’s biscuits, you don’t have to talk when you’re eating. This is the type of uncomfortable family stuff most of us will face, if we have to face them. They’re obligations we’d rather not deal with. At least I wouldn’t. It’s not that I didn’t love them, it’s that I think there’s an unspoken pact that we’d see each other again at the funeral. Of course, one of us would be dead.

So don’t feel bitter and angry if you are alone this holiday season. I think it’s far better to be angry and alone then angry with people around you. Those people in movies reveling or learning the true meaning of Christmas?…they’re Jewish. And mostly full of yuletide shit. Because, the high stress of making one day shine above all others makes mothers turn old overnight. It’s propaganda that you should care. Don’t fall for it. It’s a great illusion for kids.