How Did I End Up Here?

In a previous post, I wrote about falling asleep at 18 and waking up 36. It's weird how often I still dig into that past. Some people call that being haunted by it. I woke up this morning depressed that in my dream I ran into a college girlfriend. She was special to me. It represented a more idealistic time. We played house. She'd have dinner ready when I came home from work. Watch movies. Drink wine and talk about life and our future. I looked forward to everyday I spent with her. Woke up with so much warmth and love. I had HUGE plans then. California was in my path...the world was a positive place. I graduated in 2000 from undergraduate school. I'd applied to grad school in Los Angeles.

In my dream/nightmare, I ran into her again while going behind a supermarket dumpster area to pee (not sure what this was about). She was unloading boxes from a truck. She looked exactly like she did in school. Except more hardened...somehow. Life, I guess. She looked up and I couldn't believe it. She seemed angry. I explained that I didn't follow her, it was an amazing coincidence that we ran into each other again. She couldn't believe it. I came off as a stalker. But instead of getting weird, I made the best of it. I told her that I'd missed her. The friendship and dreams we'd had. In reality, she'd gotten married and has a kid now. I sensed she was still married in this dream. I gave her a hug. She was cold. She then hopped into a waiting limo, not once looking my direction and drove off. I kinda remember this exchange with her when she was a flight attendant and we met up in Columbus. It was heartbreaking.

I have NO idea about dream interpretation. I think a lot of us like to think it's your mind attempting to right the ship. I'm not sure, since this train of thought more or less derailed my Monday. What I do know is that sometimes in order to get peace enough to rest, I think about what the future is suppose to look like for me. I'm almost 40 now, and the future is in front of me. What are you suppose to dream of now?

I think of her every once in a while, and the overwhelming thing I think is...how did I end up here? My life was suppose to be a 50's show. I would be the dad who wore a suit to the office. Had a picket fence. Yard. 2 kids...etc...that's what I envision everyone who is married. But that all goes out the window once  you figure out that you aren't owed that. You have to earn it. And earning it is a ridiculous endeavor in Los Angeles. The city is harsh. Property is expensive. And this town is broke. It's crazy how much is within reach, but it might as well be on the moon. Thing about this town...if you don't find value to yourself, you will not get what you want. Too many people who undervalue themselves drive the workforce. Especially in entertainment. Fruits and nuts...with emotional problems.

I feel I need to value people more. I fell into it recently when, as more or less a consultant, I opened my big stupid mouth and said that half the people at my company can do the work. Basically shaving the value of everyone I'd said this in front of. How arrogant and stupid was that? In one fell comment, I parroted the very thought of the people above me who got rich off other people's demise. That's how my boss became who he was. He was able to streamline humanity into the desperate and the recently graduated. That was what was ruthless. And it pains me to believe that I'd been a part of that. That I could take a person's vocation and boil it down to a cog in the machine. And as with most cogs, the only value it has is that it can be replaced if broken. My boss is a very unhappy person. Haunted...I'm sure.

Nothing drives us more than needing to be needed. I think that's what my dream was about. My girlfriend needed me then. Felt great. That cold shoulder was the crushing thought. At work, I like having knowledge of certain aspects of the job others take for granted. Brag about it. Made people weary of my big stupid mouth. First impressions are hard to change. Bummer.

I'm not sure I feel at all needed anywhere anymore. It's weird to constantly belittle your value to a direction you're not clear on anymore. Like if I were to say that we were driving to Canada, at least someone would have a map. I certainly don't care about earning money like I use to. So what's the drive there?

Guys like me, we aren't suppose to whine about what we don't have. We just do. Gut check, move forth. A friend recently told me that I was an emotional person. I thought I came off as cold. She said that most people who try to be tough in their lives...have a lot of insecurities to hide. Or maybe my plans have changed dramatically. I think it'd be nice to look forward to something at the end of the day.