"We're No Angels" (1955)

Humphrey Bogart, Aldo Ray and Peter Ustinov star in this…could’ve been cool concept but becomes a massive chore to watch thirty minutes in.

I’d sent the 1989 remake (sort of) with Robert DeNiro & Sean Penn in the theaters when I was a kid. The sight of Demi Moore’s boobs was…God bless young Demi. Anyway, this has none of that. They only took the name.

This is about three convicts who are out on parole who buddy up to a shop owner for jobs. Their intention is to murder these people, rob them and get off Devil’s Island. Which seems like a Jamaica or something like that. It’s not really explained for Americans, other than it seems to be some outpost island somewhere with a prison on it. Anyway, the shopowner has a wife who is, naturally, suspicious of hiring convicts on parole. He also has a daughter, whom…let’s be honest, these scumbags would’ve raped a photo of her. She’s in love with a distant cousin. The shopkeeper is grossly inept. Constantly taking credit from customers and allowing people to walk all over him. He’s spineless, but kind. Unfortunately, due to his horrific business sense, his Scroogy cousin, who owns the shop, is coming into town with a nephew in tow whom the daughter is in love with. The three convicts hatch a plan to fix everything that is wrong with this man’s life. Though, still convinced they will rob and murder this family. Uh-huh.

Touted as a rare film where Bogart gets to be funny, it’s an odd duck movie. The jokes are written funny but delivered terribly. And I just don’t think there’s enough screen space for all the wisecracking. I do like the banter, to an extent. But the family seems too naïve to be plausible. I realize this was suppose to be a mix of slapstick with screwball. But it feels out of control. Direct by “Casablanca” director Michael Curtiz, I was shocked how obvious the comedy is. Everyone seems so…worn out. For a comedy, there are some really ugly moments in it. For instance, when a family member dies, it’s not taken with any level of seriousness. A little too dark for this movie. And there’s a touching moment that isn’t really setup. Though I understand why it was a sentimental moment, it just fell flat.

I’m really not sure about this movie. I get the feeling it was a holiday movie. Like TBS would add it to their Christmas play list, for those sick of “It’s A Wonderful Life” or “White Christmas.” I know there is a message about redemption in there somewhere, but, these guys aren’t all that likeable or understandable. IF I were to re-write the script, I would have them try to bump each other off. Like, when they start to realize the family they are contemplating robbing, they slowly come to love them. I believe that may be another Christmas movie though.

These guys aren’t angels. And they’re proud of it. It must’ve really rubbed people the wrong way to see unrepentant Bogey. Even in his gruffest days, it still seemed as if he gave a damn. It felt by the numbers here.