The brass ring was within reach. With a surplus of money, I
felt comfortable laying down the dough to finally get the mix tracks of my
short film “Nick’s Van” completed, and screened. Anticipation came from many
people. The promotion was small but strong. Word of mouth, mixed with general
interest and plus…after watching many short films within the same genre, it
plays more or less much more “Hollywood” than I realized. Short dramatic films
deal with a few things that get right to the core: suicides or the death of a
loved one. Yes, mine does deal with that, BUT BUT BUT…it isn’t about that. The
focus really is to move on with your life and stop trying to outrun your pain.
I’m not sure I made this up, or I heard it somewhere but it’s really
appropriate…don’t run from your nightmares…embrace them. To run from nightmares
means fear. Fear of failure, loss and pain. These things haunt you and the most
comforting thing is to flee. It’s also the easiest. The reality is, you must
understand your fears and accept them. Hold them as a beacon of your path. In
other words, use that to your advantage.
The project imploded a few days before I was about to wrap
up this short film. It’s now over a year. My fear now is the same most people
who get to the finish line have…it’s now been too long for me to want to feel
people won’t like it. Too much effort, time and money. Anger, sadness and a
roller coaster beyond explanation. Me dragging my heels simply meant I was just
waiting for something terrible to happen. And it did. My car was stolen.
I used this as a crutch long enough. People felt great
sympathy but don’t know the truth. It is…
…
…I may not have cared enough. Let’s step back a little
before I get admonished for this statement. What I meant was…most people drag
people through complete garbage to get to the finish line, then drag them a few
inches more. I think my confidence was shaken to NOT take that extra step that
is required to sustain momentum. This is the elephant in most rooms. Like
another short that mutual friends have worked on that will never see the light.
Except, in this instance, I have no other choice. A week ago, the potential was
a agonizing mystery. When will I EVER get the money to finish this. Then a lot
of uncertainty where others stood on the project. EVERYONE in
post-production…failed this project miserably. This is not blame, this is
truth. The blame lies in my ability to control the situation. In a big studio
world, there is a calendar date to which people MUST be done. My dime, my
calendar date. I am disappointed I haven’t treated this as a business. Or
rather, my personal life has effected my business. The minute your confidence
is shaken, this town is grim. I mean, shadows-with-eyes grim. What’s the
solution? Fuck this world. Move forth and cram your talent down their throats.
That’s right assholes, I’m staging a comeback to finish it.
A full out assault now. As much energy as I can muster. I’ve sold off a lot of
items, slowly climbing back to where I’d been before. And getting this into
completion. I am CONVINCED this is the cinder block weight that is making my
insides churn.
So friends and neighbors, fuck this town called Los Angeles.
I’m better than it and the people who’ve gotten many more chances. I’m here and
I’m working and I’ve gotten a second…er…I mean third wind to keep pushing. It’s
not when you succeed in life that makes it worthwhile, it’s how many times you
get up. Shit, no wonder retards are happy.
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