If you’ve ever sat around wondering what a Canadian slasher
movie looks like…it’s this one: dull and dumb. Even the gore is bland. Which seems to follow suit with the people in it and the
people who made it. If it were rated today...it would be at most a PG-13.
In the town of Valentine Cave or something (I can’t even remember it
was so dumb), they are haunted by the death of a few of their citizens, because
they were acting like assholes when they got drunk and people perished in a
mine. Instead of canceling the Valentine’s festivities, they go on with the
party. And that’s when one of the dead miners comes back to exact revenge. So
the town cancels Valentine’s Day, until one year the celebration re-emerges.
For what reason? God knows why. They know they’re cursed, what’s the point
of…even a chance this (apparently) unstoppable monster would come back and kill
revelers. I mean, nothing beats celebratin’ Valentine’s Day. Well, they thumb
their noses at the legacy of Harry Warden. Yep, you heard right…to get in on
the common slasher names such as Freddy Krueger AND Jason Vorhees, this
disaster of a movie annoints the miner killer (not minor like he kills kids, or
minor as he kills a little, but like…works in a mine and shit) Harry Warden.
Now that I’m properly pissed, let’s address the other major
dumb ass story line. A love triangle between a guy who left town, and a
hometown boy. Presumably they both grew up together. In fact knew the same girl
they’ve both been boinking. If he’s carrying a torch for her over these years,
it wasn’t like she had moved on with her life. Again, it seemed like some
roulette wheel that had horror movie staples and they just spun it and used
whatever came up. Bah!
I can tell they wanted to cash in on the holiday slasher
movie craze of the 80’s. To their credit they weren’t hiding it. Since in this
movie, they placed the day before Valentine’s Day on Friday the 13th.
A nod to who they attempted to rip off maybe? Who knows. They were released the same year. I’m certain this flick
is what invented the man of color in the audience screaming for the dumb bitch
to “not go in there, dumb bitch!” Anyway, surprised they remade this trash heap
decades later…in 3D. Suppose it became free or something. How does a movie
about a guy who rips out people’s hearts have no heart? Really ironic…dontcha’
think (fuck you Alanis Canadian Morrisette). I will tell you this much, they
really did their best to cram in the titular line of the movie. But you have to
wait a very long time to get to it. By then, you sort of guffaw rather than
pump your fist in the air in victory. What a waste.
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