No Wine & Roses For Me

The movie “Days Of Wine And Roses” brought back a lot of terrible memories of when I was drinking. In particular, the break up of a relationship and the pain it causes to people when you choose the bottle over people. There’s a moment which I love in it, where an Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor tells Joe (Jack Lemmon) that she isn’t that person you first met. The one we remember as a sweet loving gentle person. The hurtful angry one comes out when cornered. And the dynamic of that relationship has changed. I would say, most of my relationships have been when I was boozing. The toughest lost was in college. We were enablers the same as the two in this movie were depicted. The co-dependency of feeling high became associated with why we stuck it out together for so long. Even after she dumped me, which looking back was the most merciful thing she could’ve done, she took years of detox before settling down with a family. Detox in terms of getting her head and heart straight. The hurtful part is, I’ll never know if it was the partying or who I was that made us love each other. I think most college relationships are like that though. A hazy boozy fog.

The other thing mentioned in the movie is that, some people CAN drink and some people cannot. It’s a lottery and I lost. I can’t have one drink. Or even two. I can down a case. Because one isn’t enough. The addictive personality transcends booze. But it’s in us. The genetics suck. I think most men quietly suffer this, since it implies failure and weakness. I know, if I’d felt shame back in college, I would’ve seen there was no future in me through her eyes. I made a lot of pipe dreams that wasn’t ever going to come true. Because she saw I was a drunk.

The other thing is, people can see it. No matter how much you attempt to hide it. I chose to hide in plain sight. No one ever suspects Asian people of this. Only Germans or Irish. Asians function fine drunk, as is the case of Japanese businessmen. I would imagine it being somewhat embarrassing if you are unable to drink like a man.

The culture we’ve established (in most countries, actually) is that if you can’t drink you can’t be macho. The image is that of a man like J.R. Ewing from “Dallas” guy made decisions wasted and went on to bang the prettiest girl in South Fork. Or rather, have affairs with prettier girls while she suffered. That’s virile. But that image has changed. Too late for me. I don’t regret, but wonder how much more could’ve been accomplished had I not been in years of a boozy haze.

The awful thing is to face reality on realities terms. I can’t even think about drinking anymore. Which seems to suit me, since I got too many things on my plate now. But in a social atmosphere, it does get…sad. The moments I gain back by not kicking back seem to lack the luster it did when I was. I’ve been in self-imposed exile to dodge all that. When you’re forced into humanity, as with work and school or whatever, it’s probably much more difficult.

I have a friend now who does booze pretty heavily. I hasten to tell him that keeping yourself busy helps but seems to delay the time when he hits the bottle again. He is clearly an alcoholic. He shared with me one time about his renewed interest to quit. A drunk’s manifesto. Most keep it under wraps for the shame. But he did express his health concerns. I understand sobriety is awful. It’s a lonely road, which people deal with it the way they’ll deal with it. It’s boring and I swear you can hear ever click of a minute hand moving on a clock. It helps to occupy yourself with something. Putting thoughts to paper helps.

The reality is…if you don’t stop, you will go through unspeakable pain. Whether it be exterior or interior, making excuses only fools yourself. In the commentary for “Days Of Wine And Roses”, director Blake Edwards mentions how both he and Jack Lemmon were heavy boozers during the making of this movie. To which, EVEN after the warning signs, and crushing reality in the movie they were making, both elected not to quit drinking. Edwards was curious, asked Lemmon why he wasn’t quitting. To which Lemmon gave a list of reasons. To which Edwards thoughts...they could be lines taken directly from the script. The denial and the excuses. “I can quit anytime I want” being the most common. Weird.