My Phone

I have an old phone. It does two things. Call and text. That's it. No photos, no web surfing or emojis (I had to look this one up). So imagine my surprise the gasp I got when I whipped it out.
"Jeezus! How old is that thing?"

Fuck you, bitch, is how old it is. Sorry my life isn't chained to whether or not I can get kitten videos. And thus is our world now. We use to talk about stuff...actually discuss things. That's long gone. Instead, it's a quick quip followed by a search online for video/pic to support. Man, are we really this uninteresting. LIVE FUCKING LIFE, dudes. Seriously. The fact that you don't have this access forces you to live. That's Pandora's box now. AND, my phone service is pushing hard to get this brick outta' my hands. By discontinuing function for certain things. Fine. I don't need to give you guys any more money. It's not that I have any against technology. It's fine. But we've seriously forgotten to act like human beings. Relying on a piece of plastic to guide our interest. Or who approves of us. Or whatever. I get that. We get bored. Here's a solution: take out a pen and write it down. I carry around a small notebook. If an idea hits me, I write it down. I've got scraps of paper with stupid thoughts. I'm not proficient enough to dictate it into any damn phone.

You know what applications really are? A "hey lookit' this cool thing that can do something we can do without it." I've seen slates in movies that are done on iPhones. It's cool, but nothing a dry-erase and wipe board couldn't do. Forget that extra physical labor. Just a few push of a button. You know who I'd like to be? The guy who invented the button for pushin'. Push here, push there. And so forth. We're so distracted by stupid shit now, we've exceeded stupid and gone retarded.

But, let me be fair, the functional app isn't exactly a new thing. The same concept I saw in a turn-of-the-century Sears Roebuck catalog. We had some of the dumbest shit back then. An egg clamp holder. It was to transport a hardboiled egg to your plate. Can you imagine old man Merle just holding a hardboiled egg when he could just pick it up with his hands? It's just as useless as an app that giggles as you shake your phone. How about you just find some kid (preferably one you know) and tickle it.

One day, I'll be forced to get a "smart" phone. As the options are already dead. And then I'll be dead to these thoughts. I miss my brain already.