Fat Ladies Rule The World...

…and don’t you forget it. My friend Vince and I were just hanging by the pool smoking cigars and shooting the shit. Ordinarily, in this neighborhood, you’d hear Mexican oompah music, with thick bottom, rev’d up engines from people who clearly want to piss you off, and screaming kids. But we were just hanging out listening to a radio that was the size of a book.

That’s when the fat lady came out. She was comically fat. Like she literally wore a muumuu. And I shit you not, I caught  a glance of her fat ass bent over, like those stupid lawn ornaments. Except this one moved (slow) and I knew she was going to bitch off the bat.

Two things. This fat lady wanted a sprinkler system fixed. According to the state of California, we’re in a drought and it is a fine to water your lawn. Forget that noise, fat lady says lawn needs to be watered. Lawn gonna get water (fat logic #216: She was watering dirt. Not grass. Dirt. Had she been able to look at her feet, she’d know the sprinklers were watering dirt).

Second, our cigar smoke was supposedly wafting into her door. She naturally had to flap her fat gums and tell us how annoying it is. No shit lady. Never thinking for a hot minute, maybe close your fucking fat door. My first reaction was to tell her to shut her fat fucking face. But I’m an adult now, so it seemed immature. And I didn’t want her to die of a heart attack because we were just hanging by the pool. To which she has no exclusive rights to it. She just likes to believe she does, because..hey, she ate herself into a whale.

I knew she was out to complain. That’s what fat ladies do. Needless to say, she can go on with her miserable fat life. And I can go on making fun of her. We just split. Wasn’t worth the trouble.

I’ll tell you this…fat women rule the world. They can pretty much do as they please. Because we know they’re not getting laid. All they have is their anger. And time. And food.  In other words, this groundswell could sit on her deck eating and seething while eyeballing us all day. Just slowly getting angrier. And fatter. You’d be the piece of shit, because you can actually choose to…move outta’ the way.