Adult Temper Tantrums

A little ashamed of my behavior. Just a little. BUT...

...I really really really have to stop throwing temper tantrums. I think I’d be a LOT more successful if I check my 2^nd reaction rather than react.

People don’t really trust people who go nuts. I think it’s more honest, but a grown up tends not to scream openly in a public hallway, where people walk in and out. But my rage didn’t care at that point.

It went down like this. Yesterday, I’d given up 3 hours off the clock to help calibrate a machine. This was my choice. I just wanted to fix a machine.That’s when I decided to get something to eat from the kitchen.

The kitchen is a place on the client side of the company. Catered meals are generally reserved for clients and big wigs on that side. Execs and whomever. Before you get a meal you have to sign for it. Which I did. Like some fucking bitch to the kitchen lady. Her name is Cinthia. A mother hen to client services. There’d been rumors she swings. I’m sure that’s the same rumors that float with most middle aged blondes working in entertainment. To me, she’s a waitress. I grabbed some food and went back to my room.

This afternoon, before I left…a supervisor whispered under his breath that Cinthia had told him I didn’t sign the sheet for the meal. But I did. Which is when it dawned on me. She snitched me out to my supervisor. But it seemed he could care less he just needed to bring it to my attention. That meant she 

was watching me the whole time. And that me NOT signing stuck out in her bubble head.

I went off--

“Aw FUCK HER! Fucking dumb bitch!!” This was on our side of the building. In public. In an area where there is traffic. I just went off. Didn’t give a shit who heard and how loud. To which my supervisor told me “man, relax, you’re like a chick.”

My response “Fuck her. That’s snitchy shit! And I did sign, pull the sheet!” Fucker just started laughing. “I’m fucking pissed dude. Fuck that crazy bitch.”

His response “It’s not that big a deal. I don’t care if you eat there every day, just sign the sheet.”

“Oh FUCK THAT! I signed the fucking sheet!”

“Don’t go nuts, man.”

“No, that’s bunk. But whatever” I shrugged it off.

“Yeah, right, we’ll find her dead in the parking lot tomorrow.”

“Yeah, but not from me. Try a drug overdose. Cunt.” (once you use the "c" word, the dynamics of most conversations change).

“Man, you’re crazy…I love it.”

He disappeared into his office. I stood there fuming.

Then, as I came down from that tantrum, I really regretted it. I’m sure the context was off. But MAN did I blow up. I think I have an anger issue. Especially for authority. It’s not the least bit attractive. Or mature. I’m not sure what it is. But I think this seems to be the one thing that has kept me from moving upwards. I really want to shake that off. A grown up man wouldn’t be this immature. I am pretty numb to a lot of things. So, I don’t have much of a gauge how combative this sounded. That’s why I should just shut my fucking mouth.