You Schmuck!

..it occurred to me what was bothering me so much about this whole last film project.
See, the director and I spent a lot of time making art. She'd model for my photos and I'd get excited just...crafting classic looking photos. That was our thing. We batted around new ideas. Why not include a guy. And make like an Abercrombie ad. Or something. We were just clicking. This went on for years. Each time I got more film, she'd be the first to "volunteer." As was my other friend the Van Man. People who are game...I love those people the most. And guess what?...we made killer shit. We made a ton of garbage too, but that is how we got better.

So when she segued into making short films for her company, it was a kick between she and I that got the ball rolling. Let me get one thing straight...it was HER concept to begin with. Then I suggested the other things, such as shooting it on film. And it was gangbusters. The shoot was just her and I collaborating and that was it.

Naturally, with that success, she was tapped to make another film. This time, she recruited the help of a friend of mine who was first used as just...hands. Like pick shit up and put it over there. Or go plug in a light. And so forth. He was an aspiring filmmaker, but I never got the impression he ever generated anything worth making. There are artists and there are artists. Pretentious as it may sound, an artist needs to feed creativity. This one talked himself out of it. I'm not sure what was exchanged between the two but clearly her mind was usurped to believe he had the answers.

I guess what is really bothering me is the feeling that what we had wasn't enough. I loved the collaboration between us in the past. And I totally thought we had a good thing going. She's totally green and could rely on my input to feel more secure about her decisions. I don't step on toes when it comes to people's visions. I suggest alternatives and hope people draw their own conclusions. Some people bully others to their way of doing things. To a person who is new to this, you take what you can get.

So I miss that relationship we had. And was derailed by another person who bent her ear. This is when it gets awkward since you can't confront someone on set over this. It slows things down and destroys confidence. Though...I may be a hypocrite here when I say...the movie is everything. I guess in some cases, it's impossible to maintain any order, if they have to bend to my attitude.

To that...again, it's more than likely I don't need to be around this.