Denounment

Say...maybe I'm borderline personality. I mean I anger easy, can't take blame for my actions and...lessee, pretty much stunted when it comes to my behavior. I'm that of a toddler, I guess.

When people tell you they have a temper, best listen to them. A lot of people you'd never think have explosive anger. Anger is fear. Fear is a feeling no one wants. So people will lash out. For me, I do it here. So I hope you don't take offense.

For the most part, it is mostly about the sense of abandonment. That we were never good enough. That you could never impress Mom or Dad. Trying our hardest and never getting recognition. What happens is that we force that onto others. BUT, it's phony. Like we pretend what it must sound like to heap praise. A lot of borderline people say things in hyperbole. "Jan is THE best cook ever, I can't remember the last time I had a funnel cake as good as hers, boy when I eat funnel cake they all taste like shit compared to Jan's!!!" High and super high.

Which is where the overcompensation comes from. They need people to feel their joy. Throwing emotion onto people. I've learned to wrangle it in a bit. Because people stop believing you. On the other side of the spectrum are people who are brain dead. Or appear to be. Brain dead people barely rise above a pulse. Not sure if it's from drugs or general lethargy, but it's....flatline. They have no motivation to move. Or do things. They just...are.

To me, the last year has been grueling. Doing so much and getting so little back. Well, I got back, but a lot of ungrateful texts. The good stuff was reserved for someone else who stood in the bays silently mopping up the kudos whilst I toiled in the dirt. This went unappreciated. NOT that I did it for appreciation. I just did it to get the fuckin thing done. Other people had other agendas, which I didn't discover until much later. That's on me for being in denial.

So I'm done with this person and moving forward. YES, I know I keep saying that. But, it's true this time. I have too much to do to be saddled with so much garbage. My intuition is that her supposed dream of making films will fizzle out. As I believe my contribution to the group is going to be more than she realized. But I'm not going to stick around as a middle man for her to make good with other people and offer them credit for things I've done. Shit, I can do that on my own.
My biggest regret...that I didn't/couldn't mold someone into a real filmmaker. I have failed there.