Ousting The Trump

Democrats are spending a shitload of time finding ways to oust crazy man Donald Trump. Should I say wasting effort when it should be focused on the next election.

This is why the Left is considered whiny shit-stained losers. Yep, losers. Big fucking crying losers. You should be finding ways to kick his ass in the next election, but you are putting too much of these efforts into kicking him out now. In what why? The 25th Amendment which says that if a US Prez is incapacitated and unable to perform duties, he should be booted. This is the shit that the Left are hanging their hat on.

BIG MISTAKE. The way to fight fire with his fire is to move the fuck on and take the higher ground, as Michelle Obama has said. They go low, you go high. Nope. They are willing to go into the mud. Guess both want to get that dirty.

Trump...I laugh even now, got into office because of whiny dickwad Left. I am pointing my finger squarely at the people responsible for this fiasco. Yes, with the bullshit Black Lives garbage, the gay lesbian bullshit, the bathroom bullshit, you forgot middle America needs fucking jobs. Where is their march? But instead, you know what the Left did...march for women's rights. Are you fucking straight retarded? How does that improve the America now. That's the same mentality as the asshole who hears about a plane crash and cries more about the service dog that was on than the 100 people who also perished. Fuck you.

Guess who's going to lose again in the next election? Please, keep this whining up and dig us in a deeper hole.

"Baby Driver" (2017)

It's hard not to love the infectious tunes of this movie. I'd be surprised if they get shat on for the wall to wall nostalgic music versus "Guardians of The Galaxy" and their use of it as a crutch.

In this one, it's definitely part of the story. And if you stop to consider...also a very very odd fantasy world we are living in, where a man can time his life to the soundtrack that he designates.

The story is about Baby (Ansel Elgort), a young man who fell across some hard times and becomes a wheel man for crime capers around Atlanta. His boss is a cruel and mysterious benefactor named Doc. He's a gangster of some kind and has a lot of interesting capers to which he has roped in Baby.
Along the way Baby meets Debora (Lily James) a sprite of a waitress who loves music as much as he does. They're instant chemistry leads her to jeopardize a lot of her life to spend music time with Baby.

Not to get into too much more of this, but director Edgar Wright has made a throwback movie that will linger, in terms of tone. It's bittersweet, sometimes funny, other times amazing but somehow flat. If you start to question motives, and dimension. For instance, we know much less about Debora or her life other than what she tells us. She is the Alabama Worley of "True Romance". You can't help but like her because she is so innocent, while the rest of the world is so cruel and ugly. Which is somewhat false. But let's be honest, this is a fable of love found. But what is the message? Caper movie, crime movie, love story? Okay, all the above, and for that I give MASSIVE credit. But is it okay to leave out a ton of logic. As in...who knew the kid could do certain stunts we find out he can later? OR that part where he could outrun, outwalk, and...well out everything an army of police...is this the White privilege people are talking about. A lesser movie like "Hot Pursuit" was murdered over it.

But here we are in 2017, where visceral action trumps anything logical (thanks "Fast and Furious"). And so...this is fun on the surface level but leaves you really flat at the end. Worth the price of a matinee.

Alison

I have to admit, I'm an injured person. I think we all are. Especially in our formative years. Especially in high school.

Alison was a redhead. Freckled redhead. The one that Charlie Brown most likely spoke about. Peppy and cute, she was a sexier version of Wendy from Wendy's. She had a smile. Big and broad. She was also queen bitch. Not a bitch to me, but a bitch...in what I observed as a brown kid in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Alison also came from an upper middle class family. Not sure what her pop did, but all my White friends seemed to have gotten rich off alimony. Or a lot of bitterness due to divorce. I know it sounds silly now, but because all the kids of divorce had so much nicer shit, I almost wished my folks weren't together. To get nice shit.

Alison had a group of girls she hung out with. Each prettier than the next. There she was, red hair bouncing around during lunch. The infectious laughter. To me, it was watching everything in slow motion. I still think about this girl every time I feel that feeling again of rejection. Not sure why, since I never did ask Alison out. NOR did I ever want to. She was...I would assume she's someone's trophy wife today. But I recall her and her friend Shelby would harass me in middle school. I think a girl named Shelby thought I was cute or felt sorry for me. And as with all girls, once a popular girl tags you as acceptable, the rest wanna find out why. It's like that even today. No matter how old we are. Katie was so kind to me. Showed up to my birthday party and, well...I think she just had a crush on me because she has a good heart. I think it would be disingenuous of me to say that I didn't like the attention of pretty girls in school. Though it is also where I learned how cruel girls can be. Not only to me, but to each other.

We've grown up now and, some keep in touch with me...I dunno, curiosity?
I know it's tough to pinpoint, but the bruising is pretty deep. Being left out of activities when I think I'm part of the crowd, is injuring. But I'm pretty sure I've done the same to others due to it being done to me. I can be pretty mopey when things don't go my way. Or when I get rejected by women. It's just the way I'm now wired, which I hope to change.

So thanks Alison!

Memes

It occurred to me why I hate memes so much.
The people using them are ventriloquist dummies.
So unbelievably stupid as to not come up with a clever thought the are the mouthpiece of someone much more intelligent and quick with the photo editing.

This is the society we crafted. One easily amused by someone else's offset images, stolen and then re-purposed. Do you think this guides our creativity? Or do you think it robs us of original thought?

Sure the original person who did it is hilarious. The next person...not so much. Think about it the next time you use a meme, you talking wooden idiot.

Back To Writing

I know...I know...I'm bitter, angry, explosive tantrum, abusive...loud mouth'd jerk.
I'm a short guy, cut me some slack. All short guys act like that. Especially drunk.
Anyway, I've been pounding out a new script. I mean...going at breakneck speed so I can not think about the logistics. Writing is absolutely painful for a lot of people. My friend Bennie does it to exorcise his relationship demons. I do, in a different way. For me, it's to distract myself from the demons. The topic I'm writing about doesn't really have to do with my life but something to entertain me as the feeling of dread washes over. Bennie also once told me...which I think is amazing, that when people tell you to write what you know...it's not that it should be literal. Write what you know but put the story in an unfamiliar territory. For him, having a crushing breakup with a girl meant...having a story about lost love told in the story of bloody Chinese melodramatic crime films.

It's so obvious, it never even occurred to me.

To me, personal stories are nice. Like "Nick's Van." It is essentially the thing Bennie told me. Which is, a personal story about a box I couldn't open from my ex-girlfriend told from the point of a view of a guy who lives in a van. Chances are, the more questions you ask, the more others will too.

Spectacularly Deficient

People need to find out the hard way that making any type of creative thing is...well...it takes a lot of effort. Which is why when in a collaborative effort, things seem so mind-boggling easy when others pick up your slack.

This shitbag in me is looking forward, every time, when people take credit for things they haven't done to struggle massively to get anything done. Yeah, spiteful and childish to wish for the colossal failure of some. But the learning curve requires that you force yourself into this endeavor, if you've ever cared.

Making films is not like...just show up and tell people shit and it's done. Well, sometimes it is. Like blockbuster movies. The two guys who got booted from the solo Han Solo movie probably thought they had an idea or two. Midway through, Ron Opie Cunningham Howard is now warming up the Disney chair. See, if you started out as a paperweight with a bullhorn...chances are you don't know any better. Let's say you do. You get the brass ring up front. Helm a massive movie and it becomes a runaway hit. Your ego will brush off all those ideas you had and attempt to make your personal stories. Fine. Only reason you did the blockbuster.
But here goes, and nothing changes...mind you...the vengeful part after being told "there are some things he gives me that you don't and things you give me that he doesn't" is going to be re-translated once realized how spectacularly deficient some people are at putting together projects. Or getting projects made. There are too many variables people don't consider. And, let's be real here...if we're speaking about deficiencies...sure a hit to the ego to realize my contribution was just a role and not the steam engine, I look forward to seeing the product of someone who seems to believe that my involvement wasn't as great as I had thought.

But...like waving a candle in front of a caveman, I guess some people will just have to settle now.

Leslie Jones Says Ritz Carlton Doesn't Like Black People

To clarify, they most likely hate gangsta' sistahs and their inability to separate acting the fool and not being called out on it OR not acting the fool and nothing occurs.

I don't think the Ritz CAN hate Black people. Because African dignitaries have stayed there. Again, American Blacks have no clue the impression they make on international Black people. It's sickening how hard the people from Ghana or the Sudanese fight NOT to be looked at like the American Black. They have so much dignity that they are willing to come to America and drive a cab though...they were doctors in their own country. Leslie is an entertainer with the entitlement of a diplomat. That's a powder keg.

I would think a person at her age would start to taper off on the insecure feelings that White people are out to get her. I don't doubt some are, but the majority just don't care. There is a scene in "Beverly Hills Cop" where Axl Foley pulled the same shit to get a room. Maybe that's what she was attempting.

The Subtlety of My Short Film

Hey! My short film got into a film festival. Very cool. Anyhoo...
I was talking to a friend recently about my short film "Nick's Van." I know the title doesn't suggest a deeper story line, but I spoke about the ending a lot. Which is about conflict resolution. Redact that...inner conflict resolution.

A lot of us hold onto boxes we never open. In this case a letter. What could the story possibly be that wasn't a million things played over and over in your head. In the movie, the girl he picks up, a complete stranger realizes that nothing in her life or his own could re-write the crushing pain of loss. In her case, perhaps a lost sense of youth, in his a lost love. She gives him a choice after reading the letter for him to accept it. Subtle as it was, it was a moment for him to trust again. In essence, can he take people at their word. The message he'd been carrying around for the past 2 years summed up in a letter, and what could he possibly be accused of, or...whatever stories we tell ourselves

"It's Not Going To Stop...

...until you wise up"
So says Aimee Mann.
A really empowering heartwrenching song that basically makes you the teller of your own story. No matter life has debilitated you, the only person who breaks this cycle is...you. You are the one that needs to break that broken record.

But that would require the hardest part in life. The "wise up" part.
We refuse to break cycles because familiarity? Because we believe we deserve the pain? That you create drama to repair. This is dysfunction. And the minute you follow the initial reaction, you've fallen into the pit again. You break your cycle, you break your pain. Desire is pain. Longing is pain. To be proactive means you take your emotions, and bottle it for another time. It's okay NOT to feel the resentment, bitterness, jealousy or anger now. Maybe, like Andy Dufresne did in "Shawshank Redemption"...little by little carve at the wall and let the sand slowly drain from your pant leg. Eventually he was able to cut out a big enough hole to freedom. How's that for a metaphor?

Trump Didn't Host Ramadan

What the fuck is Ramadan?
Who the fuck cares?
For a while there I thought it was about a hotel chain.

Whiny Bitch Ass Pussy

I've made a ton of mistakes in my life and for whatever reason being a WBAP has never chsnged. How the shit did I get here?

If people dont give me credit...I whine. Or appreciate me. Or hold me in high regard. What leader talks like that?

I screwed up royally. And now I gotta own up and fix. Step one...I can only feel what I want to feel not what I think someone thinks I should feel. In other words.. You can't control anyone. Emotional independence motherfucker.
Second...do not be guided by crazy. Crazy is how our movie busindss thrives. We need crazy. Crazy is exciting. Time to drop crazy. Time to go with positive fun people. Doom and gloom haunted me through teens to late 30s. Fuckin waste of time.
Third...what would a man do? I've been a child. What does that mean? Bitching and moaning to anyone who will listen. Guess who treats you like friend then? Girls. Thats gotta stop.
Lastly...look our for myself. A giving selfless person is horseshit. Being kind is fine but we're talking a fulfilled life. To make others' dreams a reality is not fulfilling. It's a little codependent.

Time for me to finally grow up.

Week In Wrap

What a hard week it's been.
I'll tell you, intestinal stress issues. Lack of sleep. Lost a friend.
Yep, I wrote a handwritten letter to close the book. That means I put ink to paper.
What bugs me, I guess...it I knew better. Somehow, I knew better. Not that I resent doing these projects. Just that, for all the years we'd collaborated, she preferred to move on with someone else. Because of reasons that had nothing to do with art. I think that hurts the most. That none of what we did together amounted to much. As I'm sure it doesn't effect her as much it does me. For what reason? I have no idea, other than perhaps I was excited we were making stuff together.
At this point, the hardest part is going to be boxed out of any part of her world. Which...rightfully so, but still sucks. Because I am a reminder of how shitty shitty people are. Even though I wasn't being shitty but honest from my heart. I've also been doing a shit-ton of research on this personality type now and everything matches to all the traits you're warned about. The seductive first hit of a person who admires you. Then the steep drop on your head for the next shiny toy. Then repeat. It hurts because I've now been burned even though I tried so hard to make it work. Perspective.

It makes me think of all those hard nosed producers who must be sociopaths. Robert Evans comes to mind. Having his wife Ali MacGraw at the time, hook up with Steve McQueen on "The Getaway" while they had a son. Yes, cuckholded in public. With money and fame involved. Now someone else was sharing the front page. And it must've been a royal kick in the nuts. Friends too.

Loyalty and betrayal to me have always been over-dramatized words. When you think of "that person betrayed me!" You feel like a literary silly goose. So poofty. But, the actual act is less than humorous. And has destroyed us from the inside out. Secrets, and gossip that exists between two tight lipped people. The reality...most likely not even salacious. But it replays over and over again...what happened to the fun it all use to be?

It's a lot of jealousy, of course. Sad empty feelings, once so passionate about craft. Or was that a part of the ruse. But what to gain? Need is only reason I am identified. Was I liked for being me or for what I could do. One never knows. And no one is immune. Lack of empathy. Lack of self. The words slash and cut, as the you interpret the voice of the infatuation written in the glowing light of text. You know who REALLY wrote it. Yet, you are no longer part of it. She takes on his identity and leaves your shadow to fade. Random thoughts drift over to the one she really wants to spend time thinking about, working with. And we're all on the discarded pile. Art is all that mattered to me. Still is. Always will be.

Johnny Depp Wants To Assassinate Trump!

Yeah right. See what I did there. The title makes you wanna read further. I guess.

"Can we bring Trump in?" Depp says to the crowd, which responds with widespread boos, according to videos of the remarks. "No, no, no. You misunderstand completely. I think he needs help. And this is going to be in the press and it'll be horrible. But I like that you are all part of it. When was the last time an actor assassinated a president? I want to clarify: I'm not an actor. I lie for a living however it's been a while. Maybe it's about time."

My first thought was...that's an Abraham Lincoln joke! Second...why would he make a Lincoln joke because he freed the slaves? And then...oh right, he's an idiot celebrity who has to throw in his feather hate into the ring. You know what bugs me...the Left created this new society of joke embargos. But I suppose the only one who could be (literally) politically incorrect are Leftist. You wonder why I jumped off their ship years ago. Whiny rich celeb who blew through his own money like a coke whore and blames everyone else for his financial issues. Marries a golddigger and...Trump is the problem. Yup. I'm not joking.

The People Pleaser

It may seem odd to my readers that I am actually a people pleaser. In relationships, I find broken women and attempt to fix. Broken women hate us, but love us at the same time. You can't fix broken women. I have to learn that.

The other thing about people pleasers or in this case..."nice guys" is that we constantly put others before ourselves. Horribly castrating, I know. There are so many guys like this...and guess what? They aren't nice people. We're fucking liars. To ourselves. And filled with low esteem that our accomplishments for others are what builds up our confidence. Guess who takes advantage of that? Broken women.

I wouldn't say my mother was a borderline personality person. But she did have emotional miscues. I joked a few times at her laughing at my grandmother's funeral. Or shrugging when I asked why she didn't tell me about her parents dying. Didn't seem like a detail she wanted to share. She couldn't wait to tell me about a flood in her old home and climbing to her claypot roof to wait it out. Like a child. Most people with borderline tendencies act like children. Enticing to men since they like to rescue. Had my Mom not been dragged to the United States by my Dad, I get the feeling she would've fucked around in Taiwan. Fear has a way of bonding people for life.

I didn't realize the push and pull insanity of my last long term girlfriend DECADES later that she must have suffered a little from a personality disorder. Picking fights when things were calm. Black and white thinking (everyone is good or bad) and self-loathing. These women are REALLY attractive to broken people pleasers. Or fixers, such as myself. We think we're Prince Charming climbing some tower, they are uh...whatever princess fits and wants to rescue. They're not helpless by the way. They're just as mean as their witchy step-mother. Just prettier. And pretty girls get a pass. Especially if she thinks she's better than you.

The obvious difference is...you have to command respect from ones that aren't fucked up. The ones that you force to crawl over to you. Push and pull relationships are...I hate your guts go away to why are you leaving me? In 30 seconds. This happened throughout college. Because women are hormonal and fertile or something.

I'm slowly climbing out of nice guy hood. Finding that the less I want pussy or crazy pussy, the less I tolerate. And nothing makes insane women more insane than not getting attention. What buys back your self-respect is not giving it to them.

Sexxxxy Girlfriend!

What kind of girl do over the age of 30 still got her looks but nutty go for?
Answer: schmucks.
I'm not entirely sure if I could be flattered that my experiences have been limited. Perhaps too ugly to even fleece with their cray-cray OR too young looking to fulfill the schmuck-dom.
But here we are.
My buddy with that cray-cray infatuated with him. I sort of feel sorry for what cray-cray is capable of. Because guys like him bend, fold and cry when this circus leaves town. Not that I haven't just being peripheral to nuttiness, but I gotta say...suck them in and spit them out. And there's nothing I can say or do about it. Why? Women of this sort know the power they hold on schmucks. And it's devious and sad. Because it's a car wreck seen in slow motion and up close.
How did it get this far?
Listen to your friends who don't want you around crazy.

Do People Change?

Truth?
No, they don't.
They maybe mellow out a little but we're all pretty much products of what happened to us as close to birth as possible. I mean, you can change if, say, you get an anvil to the head. But the core person you are has already been pre-determined.
I've always had high energy motivated and ambitious. The only that changed, was that my body is growing tired. Or my brain is a bit mushier. But I haven't changed at the core.

Which is why I don't believe in rehabilitation. Well, sort of. I think it begins with what YOU are able to do. For instance...if I go to a therapist, most won't care unless I meet them halfway. Which means I have to actually want to change. A little. Nothing you change is drastic. And unfortunately bits of the bad person you were before rears its head under stress. Sorry, that's the truth.
My Dad has always been a pragmatic person. He moves through life with a lax attitude and definitely forms opinions of the world based on what he's read or heard. He wasn't academically educated rather street educated. His brain is fascinating. He also wasn't around much when I was growing up. So it was weird when we'd spend just our Monday's together. The only day he had off.
Quietly we'd watch movies at the theater. He'd let me pick the ones, since he didn't know. Most of the time he didn't understand them. A lot of the times, I made it a point to pick ones he'd understand. Less talkin' more shootin'. I miss those days like you wouldn't believe. Since I'm here in L.A. and he's in Ohio. I miss what it represented which was time.

My Dad is still the same person. Quietly cultivating a garden or helping his friends out, while philosophically walking through life. No bitterness, regrets or A Buddhist's life is pretty nice. Sometimes...you just don't want people to change all that much.

Denounment

Say...maybe I'm borderline personality. I mean I anger easy, can't take blame for my actions and...lessee, pretty much stunted when it comes to my behavior. I'm that of a toddler, I guess.

When people tell you they have a temper, best listen to them. A lot of people you'd never think have explosive anger. Anger is fear. Fear is a feeling no one wants. So people will lash out. For me, I do it here. So I hope you don't take offense.

For the most part, it is mostly about the sense of abandonment. That we were never good enough. That you could never impress Mom or Dad. Trying our hardest and never getting recognition. What happens is that we force that onto others. BUT, it's phony. Like we pretend what it must sound like to heap praise. A lot of borderline people say things in hyperbole. "Jan is THE best cook ever, I can't remember the last time I had a funnel cake as good as hers, boy when I eat funnel cake they all taste like shit compared to Jan's!!!" High and super high.

Which is where the overcompensation comes from. They need people to feel their joy. Throwing emotion onto people. I've learned to wrangle it in a bit. Because people stop believing you. On the other side of the spectrum are people who are brain dead. Or appear to be. Brain dead people barely rise above a pulse. Not sure if it's from drugs or general lethargy, but it's....flatline. They have no motivation to move. Or do things. They just...are.

To me, the last year has been grueling. Doing so much and getting so little back. Well, I got back, but a lot of ungrateful texts. The good stuff was reserved for someone else who stood in the bays silently mopping up the kudos whilst I toiled in the dirt. This went unappreciated. NOT that I did it for appreciation. I just did it to get the fuckin thing done. Other people had other agendas, which I didn't discover until much later. That's on me for being in denial.

So I'm done with this person and moving forward. YES, I know I keep saying that. But, it's true this time. I have too much to do to be saddled with so much garbage. My intuition is that her supposed dream of making films will fizzle out. As I believe my contribution to the group is going to be more than she realized. But I'm not going to stick around as a middle man for her to make good with other people and offer them credit for things I've done. Shit, I can do that on my own.
My biggest regret...that I didn't/couldn't mold someone into a real filmmaker. I have failed there.

My Old Friends

Who cares if I have bitches in headlights when I have badass bitches on my side!

I love calling my friend J.C. I've known her since college and...damn, she is an incredible calming presence. Always a dear dear friend. She has a daughter now which adds to her upfront chaos. That's neither here nor there though.
It's been a grimey day. SO I texted her up. She didn't answer but she called me back after that text went out.
THAT is a friend.
So she accepted me griping to her about this garbage that's been going on. All the sadness. The sickening sinking feeling in my gut. That I've been kicked out of the inner circle of art. She quietly listened and validated my panic. Of course I should be hurt and angry. I'm angry as I type this, because I'm no longer a part of the group I started.
But what meant a lot is that J.C. listened to me. That she actually listened. I've talked to a few friends now, and they seem to not process it all...even my own sister. But she was listening. Man...how lucky am I?

Guess I just need to start another group. Time to outdo these assholes.

Scrappy Weight

Doing my damndest to get back to my scrappy weight.
Not by complete choice though. I get anxiety which prohibits me from digesting solid food. Except junky crap. My heart races and has what I think is constant panic attack.
My head swims and I'm frequently dizzy. But...hey, more chest work outs might help.
Or I may just be killing myself slowly.

You Cannot Save People

When crazy people are in your clutches, it's near impossible to heed warnings. Nor is it to give out warnings as well.

The movie business lives in weirdo land. Too many people are too...abandoned. Or marginalized. Or mentally sick. And that's what makes art. I'm here too, so I get some of the blame.
But, there are the hypersensitive nature of our beings that we need to shed to survive. Too many Hollywood stories that end in tragedies.

I beg everyone who comes out here to steel themselves against so many of these industry moments. Painful moments worse than rejection. I'm talking connections with people that end up permanently destroyed. Betrayal, lies, excitement, phonyness, substance abuse and disappointment.

Many people out here are ridiculously attractive. Sirens song, if you ask me, waving you to the craggly rocks to get pummeled. Travel through at your own peril.
There is a sickening sense that we are not in control of ourselves or emotions. Each day manifests into a deeper darker depression or desire that can never be met.
A text I got recently to illustrate the madness:
For me telling this person I cared...
"I know you do. Relationships are hard. So fucking hard. Doesn't matter what kind they are, they still are painful and wonderful and chaos. But I know you care about me and I hope you know I care about you. I just don't know what to do w the thought of losing you. You get me through everything. Your support. Your creativity. Your amazingness. I need you."

Total horseshit. The first part was an indicator of an infatuation she couldn't have. The one that suits her needs. And will ultimately destroy the guy she's speaking of. Master manipulation without the guile. The second part tugs my ass around like an idiot. Wow, what amazing skill at pretending the normalcy. This after knowing her over 7 years. And according to other research...my situation is a tiny window into the reality...some people marry this for decades before it became unbearable.

Guess who feel for it? Me. Guess who needs to train himself to let go quicker and stop fixing people? Me.
Yep. I've got a problem with trying to fix things.

My Roommate With BPD

I'm not sure if I've related this story from way back. But it's odd that this topic would come up again. It involves a former roommate that suffered from post traumatic stress disorder AND borderline personality disorder. Here's the rub (sort of speak), she got BPD from PTSD. According to her, she was molested as a young girl. Common story for suffers of either.

This one was also of her calling the police on me for perceived notion that I was assaulting her. Which never happened. In fact the police came and told me to leave immediately...for my own safety. Bitch was nuts.

Now there's this other side of the coin where people believe BPD to be complete phony. And it's just an excuse for self-absorbed reckless behavior, since it's not necessarily considered a disease. Well, at least one insurance wants to pay for. It's basically telling these people to "knock it the fuck off, because you're annoying." My friend, the psychotherapist deals with this disorder. When I first asked her about my roommate, she really broke it down. Everything...the screaming, the accusations, the erratic mood swings. I honestly thought my roommate's head was going to spin on a pike. Like Linda Blair. Fuck, I was scared. So were the cops apparently. Later on I found out she also left the gas fireplace on, gassing up our apartment. Had there been a spark -- BOOOOM!

Fast forward, 5 years later and now I'm dealing with my friend's issue. She is BPD as well and a doctor. Here's the thing, from my research again...there are a LOT of BPD psychotherapist, which begs the question...the fuck gets anything done?

Anyway, I count myself lucky that I wasn't dragged into real issues. I think my friend understands that I have a long history with her family and respectfully hasn't tried anything funny. Nor have I indicated anything funny. That would've been a disaster all around. IF they truly suffer in their minds about being inadequate (which we all do) yes...some pity is warranted. But for the majority of people who stumble across these beautiful sexy monsters...they are scarred beyond repair. I still remember the insane devil face I saw that night.

Borderline Personality Disorder

You would think the fact that I shot a BPD video would mean that I'd learn something. But I'm learning now. Which ties into all the drama that's been happening lately. The lack of appreciation and empathy. The saying things and doing something entirely different. I had no idea. Or I didn't care. Or choose to ignore.

People who are afflicted with BPD are really obnoxious. But it's not really their fault. It's a childhood trauma somewhere that manifests itself in some reckless seemingly narcissistic behavior. All of which has nothing to do with you. Or it kinda does. Only that the person hurting you doesn't care. Nor will ever understand because they truly lack empathy. She DID warn me about it, and well, should've listened. But neither here nor there, the research I've been doing lately have been eye opening. Mostly because most of us exhibit some of these traits. But they do it to the extreme.
There's something called "splitting" where you either really hate someone or really love someone and it fluctuates that wildly. Then you overcompensate for your own insecurities by having reckless life. Drugs and substance abuse. Feeling depressed, bored and worthless. To be around this hurricane is painful. Like they will never understand some of the turmoil they bring people.

But it's given me a deeper understanding of how to deal with it. Arms distance. From everything I've read so far, it's actually best to keep your distance. The more you show true genuine care and affection, the worse they find ways to destroy them.

What an absolute shame. An expensive vase with an irreparable crack.

Whining Gets You Nowhere

Committing the cardinal sin of dry snatch...
..complaining you don't get enough credit.
Yep. That's me.
And it sucks, because I know better. But what's more anger inducing is...someone else gets it for being nothing but a presence. Ouch.

But more than anything, it's a turn off to anyone to hear that you did this and that and trying to figure out why no one saw it. This is whining, yes...is it justified...yes. Do people want to hear it? No.

Gut punch. The truth of what you suspect is always painful.

And I don't want to keep getting taken for granted. So here we are.

Whining...gets you nowhere with people.

It's In The Voice

A woman's voice never lies. Especially when it's silence. And it's cruel. I heard the same years ago about the time I confronted an ex-girlfriend about finding another guy. She was quiet. And as if it were merciful to me, told me the truth. Crushing ...as I'm sure she was waiting for her entire heart to heal. Most recently, it was interesting to hear from someone I only have platonic love for.

Emotional infidelity exists. It's always the newness of things. My friend is married but carries on an infatuation with another man. I can hear it. It's not the words. And every disparing word I lavish on the guy, you can also hear the interest piqued. Because she's much more interested in the detail and dirt over our situation. Or for us to repair kinship.

Is it worth salvaging? A car wreck with an engine still has body work go be done. But let's think about that...what we have is a superficial fix to a major problem later.
My guess...she's preparing her heart for the let down, abandonment, rejection.
People who are broken are attracted to broken people. Bad decisions, shame and repeat. I have to find a way out of this.

Extra Credit - Nope

Yeah, so this new thing made me vomit. I got tagged in social media from an actress who was on this last project. Guess who else was tagged as a major contributor to the project? Yep, two guys who did the very least. Seriously, we're talking bare minimum of their job description. Whilst I ran around, paid for film and processing and I'm thanked the least. In fact, I dragged a separate unit months later to fill in the gap. This is the business. Sickens me. Because it indicates who is spoken of the highest. Why? Why? Why?! Someone please clarify this because I am confused.

But it's not the actresses fault. Nope. Guess who probably gushed at these guys who did the least? Yep, the fucking director. Completely overlooked everything I did for this project. I feel liked I'm being seriously mocked here. And yet, no one has any idea what I actually did. Because it wasn't acknowledged like my buddy who comfortably sat in his chair and colored the finish project. This is unbelievable. But again, not her fault. This is because the recognition is dropped strictly on who the captain of the ship felt was to impress him into working with her again. Fuck me. I only spent the last 4 years working on art with her.

If I wasn't an angry monster then, I am now. And I'm done. The sooner this project disappears, the better. People are fucking dumb. Jesus, I'm sick to my stomach.

Drugs Is No Bueno

Carrie Fisher a.k.a. was found with cocaine in her system. As well as other drugs.
Some demons will always haunt us. I know a few friends now who are on painkillers. Ones where doctors can prescribe. These things will always come back to grind you out.

And I'm not entirely sure where this addiction comes from. With drinking, I think I felt it was to cover up the painful insecurities I had with girls. I guess harder drugs means that they really hate themselves or can't face the real person they really are.

Opioid addiction being the most recent of a friend who is fiend-ing. I never want to overstep my boundaries when it comes to that. Only that I've been asked about my drinking. To which I say...it helps to express yourself without anyone judging you. Though most junkies lose their bouncing board because they tend to piss them off. And the cycle continues.

Most also go into behavior that you just get so tired of watching. A constant painful grind of ups and downs and erratic nonsensical crap that makes you angry. Concern for the person. But they shove you away. This is the coldest shoulder if they happen to be someone you care deeply about. Fisher had so many people who cared about her, saddled with the pressure of not disappointing the "Star Wars" nerds. I get ill now thinking that I will never be able to help my friend live a healthy normal life. But it's not my place. Somewhere in their heads, they know they hurt too many people.

The UnHoly War

A 48 year old man plowed into a group exiting a Mosque and killed one and injuring others.

Has the war between religion started?

The idiot was shouting "I want to kill all Muslims" as he was doing so. The rhetoric on both sides and on social media is driving people nuts. Even if I had terrible feelings towards Muslims...as I've sometimes expressed here, I'd never get into a car and intentionally hurt anyone. And so the hit back is this.

Now, of course Leftists are going to jump on this crap and admonish this man as the mentality of what Christians are in whole. Guess what? You have now painted yourself into a corner. Because...he's a religious zealot and doesn't represent the entire group. Or have you turned a corner at organized religion in general?

I hate religion. It's all in the heart and mind and indoctrination. No one wins in these wars. I'm serious.

Moving On

Sometines an artistic relationship is far more intimate than romantic on. In a sense it is. You are dealing with collaborators who share a passion. Like minds, like hearts. And then you spend intense moments reaching that goal.
It's no stretch to say, when that ends, it's something like a funeral. Both people have lost and have to move on.
As heart crushing as it is...there needs to be growth to move forward...in every endeavor. I'm obviously someone who bristles to change but this traumatic extraction may be the world telling me it's better to move forward with my own art, instead of investing in someone else's. Addiction is addiction in whatever form. I have beat smoking and drinking...this should be no different. Mental toughness.

A Soft Landing

You think it would be a relief. All it was...a quiet soft landing. As I handed in the last of my association with this project, one that buried me in emotional rollercoaster for so long, came to an end tonight. A certain sadness in me that it most likely closes the book on a long term relationship that started over a decade ago. Connections are built on mutual...craft. Most of my closest friends have been incredibly generous with their time and energy in my art projects. Some linger longer than others. It doesn't always sit still and doesn't always need others. When we move on, it's a closed book. For the most part.

One of my closest friends lost someone recently. I met her in passing, but was blown away by her aptitude for...art. For the most part, when I showed my short film to people, they nodded...politely gave a little nudge of approval and that was it. For her, I was able to ask a bunch of questions. She spoke enough English to get the gist of the story. And I was VERY grateful for her input, as she reminded me that if I can tell a story with as little dialogue as possible, I was closer to my goal as a filmmaker than I've ever been. Since these were the stories my Father and I loved watching. Stories told by pictures.

As I've been reminded, and sorry for piggybacking on you if you read this, we are fleeting moments to one another. Permanence is STILL momentary and the appreciation people need to have for one another, for THEIR existence is essential for us to have sanity. That we are guided by one another and respected for craft. I suppose I get really sick when I think people haven't made the most of their lives. When it ends...it ends. And resentment and anger and fear, what was it all worth. Sure I can say that but I still have to feel it.

I know affirmations have always not sat the best with me, but here goes, NEVER allow anyone who won't meet you halfway to guide your life.
So, I will take my soft landing and close the chapter in fond memories.

Let's Be Adults

"What are you doing July 4th?" she asked. A recently divorced 36 year old woman. I had plans to meet up with my sister in Las Vegas.

"Wanna go bungee jumping? I went yesterday and want to go again"
Bitch...no. Brown people don't do that shit. Certainly don't pay for it. I hemmed and hawed. Chuckling "bitch, yet nuts" of course I say shit like this aloud...as I'm older and it's funny. "Lemme know!" I hung up.
Sure.
Something about women who drop man weight that makes them go extreme sport nuts. As if men had held them back from life. They fuck tons of guys and jump off shit. Why? Could it be, they are eventually realizing different ways to express themselves. Sure.
For me...When I get dumped...I blog. Here I am.
Roles are changing...women more aggro.

You Schmuck!

..it occurred to me what was bothering me so much about this whole last film project.
See, the director and I spent a lot of time making art. She'd model for my photos and I'd get excited just...crafting classic looking photos. That was our thing. We batted around new ideas. Why not include a guy. And make like an Abercrombie ad. Or something. We were just clicking. This went on for years. Each time I got more film, she'd be the first to "volunteer." As was my other friend the Van Man. People who are game...I love those people the most. And guess what?...we made killer shit. We made a ton of garbage too, but that is how we got better.

So when she segued into making short films for her company, it was a kick between she and I that got the ball rolling. Let me get one thing straight...it was HER concept to begin with. Then I suggested the other things, such as shooting it on film. And it was gangbusters. The shoot was just her and I collaborating and that was it.

Naturally, with that success, she was tapped to make another film. This time, she recruited the help of a friend of mine who was first used as just...hands. Like pick shit up and put it over there. Or go plug in a light. And so forth. He was an aspiring filmmaker, but I never got the impression he ever generated anything worth making. There are artists and there are artists. Pretentious as it may sound, an artist needs to feed creativity. This one talked himself out of it. I'm not sure what was exchanged between the two but clearly her mind was usurped to believe he had the answers.

I guess what is really bothering me is the feeling that what we had wasn't enough. I loved the collaboration between us in the past. And I totally thought we had a good thing going. She's totally green and could rely on my input to feel more secure about her decisions. I don't step on toes when it comes to people's visions. I suggest alternatives and hope people draw their own conclusions. Some people bully others to their way of doing things. To a person who is new to this, you take what you can get.

So I miss that relationship we had. And was derailed by another person who bent her ear. This is when it gets awkward since you can't confront someone on set over this. It slows things down and destroys confidence. Though...I may be a hypocrite here when I say...the movie is everything. I guess in some cases, it's impossible to maintain any order, if they have to bend to my attitude.

To that...again, it's more than likely I don't need to be around this.

Father's Day

Happy Pop Day.
This time of the year always bums me out.
To my knowledge, I have a girl through a woman I'd met years ago. To which I cannot visit. It's a long story, but the gist of it was...it's really unhealthy. I know that I am an unfit person to take on the responsibility. Because her mother and I do NOT get along. It's pretty ugly.
So, this day really socks me in the gut a little.
I wish only the best for them, and have set aside money, in hopes of one day she comes finds me. Then I can explain a time in my life when I really lost control.

As for my own Pop. I love the guy. You can read a previous blog about my Pop elsewhere. But he is a good man. A quiet friendly good guy. It's amazing how they really don't make that kind of guy anymore.

Michelle Carter: Teenager With A Texting Power

They found this 20 year old girl guilty of involuntary manslaughter for urging her then-boyfriend to kill himself. Aint that some BULLSHIT.
And it set a bad precedent. Meaning, texting is now a weapon. People are dumb and no one takes accountability anymore. The sole reason this got this far is because it became an internet sensation. In any rational mind, this girl is just a messed up teen who is being cunty. Which...come on people, which is it? Girl power is being cunty. Now being cunty is a crime. Fuck. Let's get some perspective.

She can get probation or 20 years. I'm guessing...probation. I think people are getting way too wound up for common sense. It as a girl who texted. Hell, if the woman I last dated killed herself over my terrible texts, I could be the next victim.

But whatever, I'm sure the jury knew what they were doing. Barf.

Teenage Girls From Poolside

I went out to the pool today and a couple of teenage girls came out. It's been a while since I've been to high school, so...it was hard to tell. Girls look much older than they use to. One was a tall, big Black girl, the other a fit busty White girl. They giggled and talked about boys. They were loud. I think because I was around. I'm no Brad Pitt, but I see that a lot with teenage girls. The smell of any man makes them louder.

I sat like a fly on the wall though. Reading my book and casually observing this age group's banter. They are fun people. Smart, and can tell they are sweet. They seemed to be in the higher educated part of their school, but still lippy. One was talking about another boy's dick while the other giggled. Oh, to be a fly on the wall.

I'm not sure how I would handle the conversation of high school girls if I had been their age and been privy to their conversations. Most of it is banal. But a lot is still that bubbleheaded talk. The sound of having so little worry in the world. Life puts a cap on that sooner or later. Your voice becomes much more morose. Life experience takes the pep out of your squeaks.

Fun stuff to sit in on.

Drinking Again?

One of the most insulting things you can accuse an addict of something after they've cleaned up is that they are doing it again. As if you can't function without it.

I was a heavy drinker. When you mention this to people, the reactions vary. Most think it not to be a big deal. Since they're most likely also people who can function drunk. To teetotalers, it's a revelation. I guess I don't fit that drinker's mentality.

So it hurt a little when someone had expressed concern that I fell back to the bottle. Because I didn't react the way they wanted me to. Nope. Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not drinking. But I am angry. And disappointed.

It cuts to the core, because they didn't reach out to you but relied on expressing it to someone else over it. And that's cowardly. I mean, honestly, I'd probably do the same thing, had it not been expressed to someone who I didn't consider part of the inner circle. But I guess we're letting everyone in now.

I'm a bit hurt that it was done behind my back, because I thought the person would know I had a lot more willpower than credited for. But it strikes at me as someone who didn't know me as well as I thought. Therein lies the resentment.

The Dear John Letter

It's hard to expressed into words...everything that you are feeling. I happen to still like writing handwritten letters, on paper.

It was rough putting one together this morning that essentially ends a working relationship. Mostly because I did come to the conclusion that whatever we may have done in the past, wasn't enough. And it was implied that more minds had to come up creative. Or it was a personal issue. Or whatever the case. I don't need to be around this aggravation, as my good friend from art school use to tell me.

I also just realized what bugged me so much about it. Here we were two people who bounced ideas around with each other. Like...really loved the creative comraderie. We'd randomly communicate with each other a story idea. Or an idea for a short film...those days are long over when someone else is let into the clubhouse. See, there is a jealousy that gets into your stomach. That some people may not understand. To include others into your plans means you risk making others feel marginalized. When you get to the point where you have to draw attention to the lack of appreciation, then you are put into that box. My reaction is to allow that other person to feel what is lost. It's not a grudge, only that...the realization that people do more for you than people realize. I have to allow people to fail on their own.

I often wonder about this updated edit that I did at my own time. How much time and energy was wasted when it could've been focused on my own projects. Or interests. I did it on my own, so I have no one to blame but myself. But being undermined, underappreciated and all around abused...It was time to move forward. Simply put, if a person can't value you, you have to value yourself and cut ties.

And that's where I'm at. Not necessarily a fun thing to do on a Friday when I hand write a letter, but necessary. Being an adult sucks.

"Vandez": That Movie You May Have Heard About

There was a short film done many years back that has the lore of a few people in a room in an apartment in Sherman Oaks have seen. The actual making of the movie is...well...no-budget movie makers would marvel at the brashness of the project.

It hasn't seen the light of day since.

Flash back to that autumn when this movie was being made. Essentially,  and my timeline may be wrong...it was a concept project that was made to see if we could make a feature film level shooting on a miniature scale. It was still going to be a short, but to exercise our skills of how many pages we could cover in a day.

There was a horror feature film made that sort of grew out of control. So in order to reset the mindset of no-budget shooting, a small group of us made a 48 Hour film festival project. The rules were, you got a name and a phrase and you had two days to make the movie. I thought we kicked ass on ours. So this led to the thought that perhaps we could shoot something much more substantial. And with less time and money than the horror feature.

Enter "Vandez." I was, at the time, wanting to be a cinematographer. Though, my hard drinking led
me to be complacent. I recall being asked to shoot this project, as I don't believe anyone in our group having camera experience. I had a little bit of digital camera dealings, but at first I was hesitant to do the project, honestly believing it was beneath me. Drunk as I was, everything was beneath me because that's how drunks think. I was derailed anyway. Didn't care.

I was given the script, and I was laughing so hard. I mean, it was genuinely funny. Because it was so random. The pieces were like some warped cartoon character. A man named Vandez comes to a small town and runs into a back alley slag. Vandez being Vandez has sex with anything female, especially if she's married.

Post-coital we learn the slag is married to the biggest drug dealer in the town. Though she has now grown a fondness for Vandez. Unfortunately, the Drug Dealer also has goons that make Vandez's life Hell. I'm sure I'm leaving out details. But, it was shot in four days over Thanksgiving. Man, we ran all throughout Los Angeles. I mean, we ended up in Compton somewhere at some point. A friend's cousin had come out. And if you ever wanted to paint a portrait of what a carny looked like...it would be this guy. Imagine him in Compton. It was a total sprint. And we got the movie shot. Exhausting but fun.
Then editing began. Or didn't. To my recollection, it died right there. Radio silence from all involved. I recall pestering the director about the cut. He had faith in this one guy who had cut the 48 Hour Festival project, but promised nothing on this project. It languished for...I can't remember, but it was months. Then it all but lost momentum.

In movies, the only thing that matters is...the movie. So I took initiative and slapped the project together. Stories differ at this point, as I'm sure I haven't heard the complete tale, but it seemed the director was incensed that I'd done that. Most likely undermining his faith in an editor he was counting on who had been sitting on the project for months. Was it for me to cut together and chuck back to him like he was slacking? Nope. But, also being trained as a filmmaker, he also had an obligation to the talent that was involved. And that didn't sit right with me.

I got the sense that he reluctantly pushed forth with the project. And eventually it was fine-tuned by another editor. A cut which I openly (and verbally expressed) hated. The project was on my hard drive for a while. And then the hard drive failed. Since that screening, the movie has all but disappeared. There have been sightings. And great memories of the shoot. But...just...that movie that was kinda there. Every once in a while, I'd hear "remember that movie, 'Vandez'" And I'd chuckle to myself...yeah...I do. It was fun. It was the last time we really made something bigger than our dreams could handle. I've been on bigger budgeted shoots. But, for some reason this one still has the most fondest memories. Mostly because it was such a sprint. And the people who were involved...there was a purity to just doing a movie that was this scattershot that doesn't exists anymore. Truly, it doesn't. All the new movie makers are so super serious. They strangle the fun from their movies. Look at the images now...dark, brooding and melancholic. Why? Because it means they are deep. For "Vandez" it is a cartoon come to life.
What's the lesson to be held here?...maybe the lore is better than the project itself.

It holds a special mythical quality to it nowadays as a project that was never finished. Except for that room of people who were fortunate to have watched it once.

Come on...wouldn't you want to watch this movie!:

Obstruction Of Justice

It's funny to me when law dogs jump on obstruction of justice. The mere denial of guilt is by nature...obstruction. There is no such thing as justice, by the way. Yeah...cynical. What we have is somewhere in the middle that everyone is angry over.

But it's never about justice or truth. It's how well you can present your version of the truth when it comes to the written word. Now if the Bible and Q'uaran can get fucked up, the law is specific but still left for interpretation. There are a bunch of people who love that open window. Dirty filthy shitbag scheisters for one. This is where they can bat around common sense and lean on the loopholes. The law, to my understanding these days, are about loopholes. It's about the wheeling and dealing. When you get busted and have to see a lawyer, chances are his schtick to get you to hire him "listen...I know the district attorney, he and I play golf." Not only playing to your naivete but also your cynicism. What is he really saying? "Fuck the law, it's all about who you know." It's brutal but true.

So Trump is under the radar for obstructing justice. People who stand in the way of truth...burn them. People who play the game better than you play it? Sorry, you're stupid. I mean, I am really sorry, because the game gets more and more complicated. For slick Trump...he created this game. Not that I consider him intelligent, but he has a street smarts that you can't deny. It's aggravating to the intellectuals because he is beating them at it. Like, frustrating because crime doesn't stick. Why all the attempts? Why are politicians wasting their precious time with our tax money trying to figure it out? The blowback may be other politicians who do benefit from Trump's policies. And we're stuck in the middle.

I never understood why rich people wanted to be richer. The legacy is never in the money. You are GOING TO DIE. So a lot of old wealthy people do so much to get their name on everything before it's over. There's an easy way around it, I guess. Just be kind upfront.

The GOP Baseball Shooter

Ah...the national past time...shootin' guns!

Identified as James T. Hodkinson, a Hilary Clinton supporter in 2016 from Illinois. 66 years old and nutty.

Okay, Leftist jagweeds, these are the morons you incite. They're stupid so they shoot at random congress people in office. Why in the flying fuck an we not use this insane person to help us with Wall Street bankers and mortgage lenders? Damn dude.

Anger is real on the Left. Not so much on the Right. They're angry but just internally gutting you angry. Like they'll bar you from country clubs. Maybe...JUST maybe this was his act of defiance to gun control. Or he lost his house. Or he hates other old White people.

I crack up though, this guy apparently fired 40 times and hit a few people killing none. I don't think he was trying to kill anyone. But it sure got their attention.

The Fanfare

The last project I did for this director, there was a lot of joy. Wait...not joy...celebration. I couldn't wait to announce it and brag and share. This one...
...
...ugh...
and I know she must feel it as well. I hate being involved in something someone isn't proud of. It actually makes me ill. To think that we've failed. But failure is never trying and we tried. BOY, did we try. And somehow, it felt derailed somewhere. By personalities. By drama. All the above.

I wish I had the answers to how most projects go. A lot don't walk away with kind words for one another. A project I went to a screening for recently, the producer had some choice words about the actress. That actress showed up to the screening and all was forgotten. I suppose. Success, like winning in sports, cures all. I won't lie, I miss that feeling of finishing something and being able to promote it like a madman. To be proud of it without seeming like I was patronizing it. Too much muddy water. Too much...that needs to be walked away from...for now.

There wasn't an announcement. Bad sign. That sinking feeling we'd not done well. The brisk notice of accomplishment that isn't followed up with gushing between the participants. Just..a sad...slide to the end. Did I cause this? Hard to say. Probably didn't help we were all complicit in its final. I did the best I could. I really did. But again...what was once a massively proud undertaking becomes a slog to promote. I'm gonna disappear for a while from this. And from them.

Appreciation

We spend a lot of time trying to earn the appreciation of complete strangers.
Why?
The logic would be that you only care about the people who care about you. This is untrue. And unfortunate of the human condition. The reality is, people who love us or care for us...we don't aspire to impress them. Because that wears thin.

My college girlfriend no longer had to try to keep me. Having someone that was as clingy as I was, of course people are turned off. They don't earn your respect. Because you become a doormat. Which is where it all becomes a blob. People do not meet you in the middle do NOT care about you.

And the more you try to get that back, the worse it fails for you. A complete stranger is exciting because they want you to like them. Earn their presence. A person who is in your satellite becomes...dull. And that is the terrible thing about relationships is that the closer you get the further apart you are.

I feel like I lost a loved one. And there isn't much to do to get that back. The way things were before. The way I wish they were. It's a sad day for me. Just sad.

Why Movies Suck Now

There are podcasts out there that de-construct movies. Classic well regarded movies simply because it's the Millenial thing to do. Shit on a movie and laugh. You wonder why movies today suck. They are why.
Let me explain,
In my youth people use to stare up at clouds and see shapes and animals. That was called an imagination. Today...people don't do that. They have zero ability to fill in gaps in their brains because they are too smart. In other words, our brains look at clouds now and don't see bunny rabbits, you see the cumulus ridges that would lead to precipitation in three days. We're too smart.
When speaking of a movie in today's standards are considered corny, such as "The Karate Kid" (1984) they laugh at a Japanese fix-it man who befriends a kid who is bullied. Then dissects every instance how implausible this scenario is. Because we're jaded, cynical and too smart for our own good. In the 1980's we were okay with it, because the scenario was innocent. Like having an All-Valley Karate Tournament where people actually attended. Angry cynical Millenials scoff at this. When has this ever happened? Motherfucker, I've been to them. Though NOT that crowded, the sense was, it felt like that through the eyes of Daniel Larusso.

Okay...perfect example the 1979 movie "Alien" versus "Alien: Convenant" Same director. In "Alien" you had mystery, there were dark things in drippy water. It was claustrophobic and scary. You can't escape. Your mind wandered. It made up things much worse than was on screen. Then they gave you a flash of violence. And it really hurt.

"Alien: Convenant" pandered to these assholes who would dissect the movie ad nauseum. So director Ridley Scott blinded them with bullshit. In other words, he knew they would shit on the movie, why not just give them what they want. You start to bend story to how you would be perceived versus what makes a good story. Who wants to be the next guy on the "How Did This Get Made" website. So even a seasonal filmmaker like Ridley Scott tried his hardest to please these social media warriors.

Why did "Get Out" work so well? It was a movie, really, about other movies. It was an appreciation for classic "Twilight Zone" story telling with social commentary. It was a breath of fresh air because it was a nod to cinema the way it USE to be. The small details of the movie were so well hidden. Stupid things smart people think about for instance...
people having a conversation in one location...they continue that same conversation at a different location. Why do movies do that? Saves time. It's REALLY dumb when you stop to consider that they must have had more words to say on the car ride to the next location. Instead, a Millenial would point out details like that as a poor example of filmmaking. What happens then? They guide the shittiness of movies today. They destroyed the magic that was cinema. What was built in over 100 years, they arrogantly tear down like a child having a tantrum.
The filmmaking language has died because of it. Now the idiots are lapping up brain dead dreck and thinking it's the same thing. Poor poor public.

You Belong

I am certain many of us make movies to belong. The process of production is much like an army. Being a part of something makes a massive massive difference. People would give up paychecks if they understood that. Though, it's not saying working for free, but knowing humanity needs one another to do something. Together.

Which is why when things come to an end, it does feel like a funeral. Will we ever see each other again, or work together? Paths do cross, but people, much like school, grow up and out and over. People forget or they maintain lifelong relationships. Clint Eastwood is like that.
Belonging is a HUGE thing. To feel like you matter than that what you did changed people MATTERS. For most, it becomes a job and they are the ones who are miserable. It took me a while to figure out why we make movies if it makes me miserable. It's because I came from a place where I didn't feel like I belonged. I started clubs at home to include people. Gathered the troops and went up a hill. The Little Rascals cart where we threw all our art supplies in there and made...something.  It's such a glorious feeling to be part of something. To not get recognition does hurt. I will not lie to you. Having your praises sung is a warm hug I hope everyone has one project hey worked on that provides this. I try my hardest to make sure that everyone I work with knows how much I appreciate them. Because the coldest days of those moments are when people forget what you even did.

That's on them.

And Then...It Was Over...

A simple text. No massive gratitude for me personally. A form letter text to inform me of results of how the film did. Silence. After the amount of time and effort I put in with no money...and legwork left unmentioned (it was a lot) to drag her project to the end, as I was the last man standing...just a form letter given to probably a handful of people. None of which had the years of which I've known her.

To me, that speaks volume. Of character. I professed true and utter faith in her and her projects to be simply another face in the crowd. Is it overreaction? Most likely. But also relief. That I am no longer obligated to this. That I can move on with things I put off for a while. The rope burns on my hands will fade. Tugging a boatload of people is hard work. Thankless work.
I'm simply glad if one person is effected by the movie. That it helps a broken woman who has been injured by life. In essence it's up to her now. Her name is to credit or blame. And, in some sense, has become what we all eventually become. Falling to the project before humanity. That is a lesson learned. For that I am deeply proud and somewhat disheartened. Most of us don't come back. Passion, drive, and ambition blinds you to humanity. We all become just a stepping stone to need.
How absolutely Shakesperean.

The Drama..The Drama

Fuck lady..
director had to present the project on a short notice...it wasn't done until 9pm. I had to be up in another 4 hours...
the text I send:
"re-skedule then. I'll get to it wen I get to it"
the text I get...
"I'm done with the drama...if you want to do it, do it, I'm sorrry..I'm tired of dealing with the drama and juggling many people all with attitudes."

I didn't realize helping out on a project meant that I had an attitude.
I'm going to forgive for a few reasons... we have a long history. And, she's hormone-ally imbalanced due to pregnancy. Otherwise...later.

I also love her like a sister too. And that's the worse because they will take you for granted. Or they do a lot of dumb shit you really want to call them out on. But I really believe in my family. I believe in her.

That said, yeah...the drama sucks. But it got done. And, well...I'm done.

Miscommunication In Filmmaking

Why do I even help people make movies?
I have no idea anymore.
At first, it was to show people the joy. Now it's to deal with the stress.
Been living with this one project for close to a year now. A lot has changed. Most notably the editor had quit. I took over those duties. For no other reason then I wanted the thing done.

Yesterday, I learned there was to be a presentation of this project to the higher ups to show the project is complete. Except, a week before I had asked for graded complete file (to which the colorist had been too busy to deal with), a music track to sync up end credits, and final mix with extra music layering.

Got none of that. See, the director's impression was that I would just drop in the audio and that would be that. A few things sort of derailed this from happening.
I am NOT an editor. I do this simply to help out. I would have gladly handed this out to...anyone else who had similar limited experience.
It is NOT my project to drag up a hill.

The second thing bothers me more than the first. Apathy creeps into all facets of filmmaking. You lose interest in things you were so gung-ho about. You get suicidal when you watch the first edit. Bah. It's awful. So either the director was sedated or she just didn't care anymore. This trickles down to us as well. The minions who do their best to fix things.

I've contributed a lot to this project already. Countless unasked for hours. For what? SO that someone else would not drive off a fucking cliff. I won't do this anymore if it means a cycle of unnecessary panic. I'm not old and too experienced to deal with this. And honestly, as a friend, maybe I shouldn't even burden myself since it means having these meltdowns with the person. It all leads to anger and miscommunication. A thing where if I brought up what I've said repeatedly it can only be taken as harsh criticism. As I was a admitted fan...there are people who will find ways to prove you wrong.

"The Mummy" (2017)

Tom Cruise plays a lot of things well...but being a man possesed by unseen forces does nothing for him. Like when he did Lestat in "Interview With A Vampire." The problem...?
...his mulling serious speak is comically mis-timed. Anything old English is awful. As anything that requires he be a cad. That said...this movie isn't nearly as bad as everyone is saying.

Cruise stars as Nick Morton, a soldier of fortune whose reckless abandon through the Middle East lands him in the pit of which a mummy of Ahmanet is buried. She is a mean bitch who needs another carrier for her boyfriend whom they both conjured up to be evil rulers of the world. Ahmanet is played by Sofia Boutella ("The Kingsman"). Morton is saddled with a sidekick named Chris Vail (Jake Johnson), which I assume will be someone in the upcoming future Universal's Dark Universe, if they can get past the haters of this one and also Jenny Halsey (Annabelle Wallis), a archeologist who after a night of unseen boning with Morton discovers he had ripped her off of a map that located this mummy.

After unearthing the dead...Morton is cursed by Ahmanet. And now must be the new sacrifice in order for her to bring back her lover and rule the universe.

They also start to shoe-horn a few other characters that are strange in this world. Dr. Jekyll for instance is played by Russell Crowe. A payday to say the least. But somehow played broad enough that he doesn't need to return for any sequel.

The jokes do fall a little short. They cram as much into a sentence as possible, but still end up a bit...stiff. In the 1999 version with Brendan Fraser, his glib and arrogant banter with Rachel Weisz seemed much more fun and...well...the characters are suppose to be screwball. You almost feel Cruise and Jake Johnson are suppose to be Bing Crosby and Bob Hope.

I do admit that something is missing from this movie. A feeling that Cruise could have offered a bit more reservation. Maybe he's now content to phone in a lot of his performances. Shame. This was also directed by Alex Kurtzman, who previously produced movies.

This movie is not really for the American market. It's going to make a ton in China, but for us...I think we're done with these monster movies. We're too jaded and angry with it now. Vampires and werewolves seem low-rent now. Which is a total shame. There is a way to make it scary again. Maybe another "Monster Squad." But then...who frightens children anymore.

"Black Panther" trailer

You know...I know so very little about the history of Africa. And it doesn't seem like the movie is going to address any of it, other than to tell us non-African folk what we don't know. Including how they had space ships and shit. And terrible computer graphics. And an African warrior who was named "Black Panther"
Okay, aren't all Panther's black? Also...not every fucking culture knows karate/kung fu/martial arts. And it seems this dude does wire work like a Hong Kong movie. Whatever. The trailer looks like total turd. NOT because it's a self-proclaimed "Black superhero movie" but because it REALLY looks like shitty digital. Plastic and fake. And personally, it doesn't do the topic justice. Serious filmmakers use serious film. This looks like a cheap I mean REALLY cheap camera with a low-rent visual FX house. Sorry...the American Black people may start to sharpen their knives or not. Black folk...they are much more supportive of ANY endeavor over White folk. They don't necessarily dog a guy for trying (unless it's a gang). But there is a lot of personal love put into it. Which, I'll probably be the asshole for mentioning this...Africans HATE American Blacks. It's like calling someone from Barcelona a Mexican. Seriously. They fully embrace education as the very first thing to focus on. Many are Asian nuts when it comes to studying. A lot are doctors. And yet...here we are with American Blacks embracing it like it was their culture. We'll most likely hear about that soon.

"Black Panther" looks like typical Marvel garbage I hate. Perhaps, there is a level of forgiveness people will have similar to "Wonder Woman." Not really a mold being broken but an acceptance of the new norm. Obviously, as a Disney machine, it will do well. Like a "Doctor Strange. Who the fuck are these Marvel people anyway? God, I miss the old days when all you had to do is track maybe five characters. This nerd explosion keeps getting more and more foggy to me.

Adam West and Glenne Headly

These two character actors died a day from one another. Both were in comic book movies. Obviously Adam West was Batman and Glenne Headly was Tess Truheart from "Dick Tracy." Very very strange that there was little to be said about Glenne.

I recall listening to her on The Projection Booth podcast where she seemed to have so much life. Within a year, she was gone at 63 years of age. Glenne seemed to be that squeaky voice sweet girl next door. Compared to the husky sexpot of, say Madonna. They were great contrasts to each other. One, a lustful bot...the other Madonna. Just kidding. I think she made such small moments bigger. Like in "Mr. Holland's Opus" as the long suffering wife of Richard Dreyfus who guides him to be a menschy dude. Or how about using that sweet personal to bat around grifting as in "Dirth Rotten Scoundrels." She is going to be regarded as a wonderful character actress in the future. One so under appreciated.

Conversely, here we have over-exposed Adam West. The oddball, retarded Christopher Walken. Or more aware one anyway. West embraced the camp. And always seemed so out to lunch. His eccentricity wasn't just appreciated it was celebrated. To become a caricature of yourself until your 80's seemed so...shilly. Fine, at least you earn a living this way, and you can NEVER fault that. West...I dunno, cornball is being kind. He seemed like he would be rapey. But, no one could ever say he didn't love his fans. For me, I always regarded his Batman to terrible television. Even at that age I knew the sets and lighting sucked. I don't want to re-write history in that regard. I know he was a hipsters uncle. Let that be that.

Illegal Immigration

Immigration is cracking down on illegals in this country.
Look, I feel bad for the ones who have been here so long, but...there is also that part of me that constantly wonders what the issue of getting citizenship means. It's practically a no-brainer once you're past the 10 year mark. Exactly how long were people expecting this to last?

Illegal is illegal. If these rules were meant to be flexible, we'd not be labeling people as such. The term "undocumented" seem to be a soft landing for people taking from the system and not giving back. I don't hate my native country, but I can understand...say in the middle of the day, if I'd ever discover my own parents were arrested and deported, it'd be a shocking revelation. But, they've been here way over 30 years now. They understood the terms of their residency. Most Asians do. Or are desperate to. I know a few who married into it. Which is grossly crooked.

I'm not even sure how difficult it is nowadays to get citizenship. When I took the test, it was nothing. I think most Mexicans want to stay off the grid as much as possible. NOT to commit crimes but to live a easier life. Though, living in fear of deportation is it's own prison. Maybe it is a wakeup call to return home. IF you choose to make America your home, enjoy the rewards, but also pay into the kitty. Good people, you fellow countrymen would appreciate it.

Charlize Theron

 My ex-girlfriend in college hated it when I referred to her looking like Charlize Theron. She didn't necessarily. But had similar teutonic features. Icy blonde with steel grey eyes. I remember living in a one bedroom on Main Street and telling her that one day I may even cross paths with Ms. Theron. I had a massive thing for her. Born in the same year even. Maybe it was the cold icy blondes like Alfred Hitchcock loved. Becky (my ex) would roll her eyes at me, "yeah, right, keep dreamin'"

Imagine my surprise when I was walking home from a friend's screening who should be shooting hoops outside "Jimmy Kimmel Live" but...

It didn't hit me first. As I first thought it was Naomi Watts. She looked, different. Smaller. But when she turned and looked directly at me, I waved, and she nodded back. I had a fleeting moment. As if she was telling me (20 years later) that these things do happen. It was odd, since what really got to me was I couldn't gloat about it. That a part of my youth sprung back to life and patted me on the back and said..."go ahead and keep dreaming out loud." She disappeared back into the theater after trying to shoot a few baskets.

No one looks like they do in real life. By the way. A part of me had closed a little bit of my youthful days. Thanks Charlize!

Comey On Trump

Forget the politics. What is this thing that is going on? If you fired someone, the boss has to answer for it? Is this some move or something to get Trump out. What turmoil this administration has endured. And there hasn't been a single person in Trump's camp that appears (according to media) as competent...politicians.

Maybe that's what's throwing people off. The entire Washington mentality is that he isn't doing things like the norm. Well, where has doing the norm done for us? Are the Leftist wanting to be...more accepting of change? Before you throw Obama at me...here's the thing...he's a politician. Black, White or other he grew up being groomed to be one. He may have come from humble beginnings but he sold out LONG ago. As did Trump. As did Bush. And Clinton. They all did. They're sellouts to one side or another. That's part of never making anyone happy.

But the angry, and often violently angry Left are pushing so hard it's intolerable. As we're discovering they have access to do so. And to bend young minds as well. Because it's cool to hate Trump. Actually it is.
So here we are. Having to justify why a dude was fired and tagging on the fact that he knows shit about Trump and Russia's collusion into our election. I hope it's true. Because then maybe we can get Hilary Clinton in there (another politician) and REALLY see shit fly.

The problem with Trump is, he doesn't care about whether or not his decisions are dumb. They're different. And different tends to work. He just needs to get the fuck off Twitter and stop pulling these stunts.

Assisted Suicide is Murder?

Michelle Carter, a 20 year old, faces 20 years in prison for texting her then-boyfriend who was 17 years old, to kill himself. Yes...if you text someone to kill themselves, you could be on trial. Well, I'm fucked. I tell lotsa' of people to eat a bullet. Or go run into traffic. I guess this case was different, because the dumb bitch sent him 20,000 texts...Jesus, lady...that's a lot of typing on a phone. Fucking write a letter. These texts basically encouraged him to get back into his truck and huff the carbon monoxide and die.

Ouch. That is one cold-hearted bitch. Now, if cold hearted bitchery is a crime, most women would be serving a dime...at least. Women are cruel and unusual punishment. Which is funny when they get incarcerated, they get a taste of what it's like to be cramped with other women. Not that I hate women, but they will fuck with your head like you wouldn't believe. Such as...this for example. True, the teen boy was mentally ill. So it's hard to hold that against him. But damn....there is finer poon out there kid. I think he may have needed a motivational speaker like me to get that hose out of his mouth. Homophobic references aside...I don't think she should do time. It's dumb. She's dumb. I would actually go as far as to offer her a job as a hostage negotiator. She likes to manipulate...why not?

Eric Trump Stole From Children's Cancer Charity!!

I was sharpening up some sticks, boy!!!...I was lighting up torches. When the Forbes article came out about siphoning money from a children's cancer charity, I was about to burn shit down...then I read more into it...

...depending on how you see it...well it's up to you..
Essentially Eric used Trump facilities to host fundraisers to which he paid the facilities for its use. So far the charity has raised millions of dollars ($36 mill) and created an ICU for children's hospitals. The operating costs were paid to the place.

Let's simplify...say you have a relative who has a bitchin backyard. So you pay them to use their backyard to host a party for your kid's school function. Well, you still gotta' pay the relative for people to set shit up. You can't just eat the cost. So, some of the charity funds will need to go to the relative. Looking at it from an enemy's perspective...no doubt this would look bad. Like basically you're siphoning the school charity funds to pay your relative. Is there a conflict of interest there? Should your relative have done it for free? That's where we can differ. Is it siphoning money? I don't think so. A business still needs to run. Giving shit away for free forever is going to break you.

This was actually for a good cause and I'm sure Eric Trump had no idea it was going to make him look like a terrible human being. I think Forbes could've written the article a little less...accusatory. But that's the internet world we live in today.

Cloon-Tang Got Twins

George and Amal Clooney (yes, still traditionalist) have welcome fraternal twins into this fucking world. Congrats on fellow Cincinnatian.

Homie has been missing from movies lately. I think he directed one recently, but...hasn't been in any as an actor. I like George Clooney. A little too much head wobble for me some times, but he does have a good-heartedness to him. A solid family value core, even if it is Leftist. He seems to skate the world of public figure and private by not even living in America. Jeez, George, don'tcha' miss Skyline chili.

Well, settling down is good in life. Having things you can lose makes you really take stock in the great things it will have to offer you. Maybe he will go quietly into the night and live happily without politics haunting him. At some point they did want him to run in some political office. But I think he just has too much baggage. Now he has the baggage he would want. Kids. Congrats, old chap!

Dan Aykroyd Aint Afraid Of No Paul Feig

Actor and raconteur Dan Aykroyd had this to say about the "Ghostbusters" remake:

 

“The girls are great in it. Kate McKinnon, Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig – what a wonderful, wonderful players they are – and Leslie Jones,” Aykroyd told hosts Tim Lovejoy and Simon Rimmer, as seen in the tweet below. “I was really happy with the movie, but it cost too much. And Sony does not like to lose money. It made a lot of money around the world but it just cost too much, making it economically not feasible to do another one. So that’s too bad – the director, he spent too much on it. He didn’t shoot scenes we suggested to him, several scenes that were going to be needed, and he said, ‘No, we don’t need them,’ and then we tested the movie and they needed them and he had to go back — about $30 to $40 million in reshoots. So, yeah, he will not be back on the Sony lot anytime soon.”

The Sony Pictures movie cost a reported $144 million (plus marketing) and earned close to $240 million worldwide — $128.4 million of which came from North American theaters. (Ghostbusters later earned a reported $36 million in U.S.

After Aykroyd’s statements, Sony confirmed the movie’s reshoots — but said the price was between $3 and $4 million, not $30-40 million as Aykroyd stated.

I like Paul Feig. Love listening to him on a podcast because he does love making movies. And he suffered to get there. But he is a one note player. Cast Melissa McCarthy and stand back. The rest...I dunno, he still loves movies. Which is heartbreaking because I like Dan Akroyd too, which is strange how this seems like a terrible indictment on Feig's emperor label.

Truth, Sony got their butts handed to them over the leaks. Like bad. A lot of insider talk that we, on the fray, always suspected. But Sony took the brunt of it. Every studio has these memos, though most likely not so much anymore. The leaks caused a ton of embarrassment for the studio, and word is that they are suffering to get anything out of the black. I remember when Sony was Columbia pictures. They use to make The Three Stooges shorts. They made a ton of awful movies in the 1980s which more than likely sunk them. And now...they've been marginal ever since the late 90's. "Spider-Man" seem to give them a spark of hope. But really don't hear too much from them anymore. A lot of the big studios are renting out offices and space now to make the rent. The last time this happened they bounced back after summer blockbusters became a thing. Though, I'm not sure the brains that be can lift themselves from the abyss this many times. I really hope they do, simply because I am a nostalgic person who loves the backlots. If they disappear...history goes with it.

Maybe they can get government to declare them historical sites, because...quite honestly our only culture in this town is entertainment.