Contingency Plan

Making movies is a tough run. Yeah, I know. I’ve bitched about it constantly. But it’s a lot of moving pieces all at once. A whole new beast when things are not within your control. So far, I’ve stressed over my last two projects. In terms of just pushing the army across the land. But my army isn’t a battalion. It’s a platoon. And we move quick (relatively). And rarely do we hesitate for certain things. This is stressful. I don’t fully understand if and when things may derail. But you have to be prepared for those contingencies.

Contingencies entail being somewhat calm when you make a decision. The more experience you have, the more you (at least) appear calm. Things go weird fast. If things don’t work. Or talent isn’t getting what you want, they can go south fast. I remember this short film I wanted to shoot in Indiana.

There is a small town in Indiana called Fairmount. It’s where James Dean was born. I had it in my mind that this girl that I’d been hanging out with was going to be in it. I’d come back from college. Her name is Holly.

Holly was a really pretty blonde. And let’s be frank, I just wanted her to like me. I’d dug up a Bolex from the t.v. station in college. It’d been abandoned (and looking back, these assholes at my university probably trashed them). It was a great little camera. I bought some film in mail order. Now remember, we’re talking at a time when the internet didn’t exist. Anyway, I had two rolls of 16mm film. Fairmount was about two hours away from Cincinnati. It was a road trip I took many people. It changes people. Not sure why, other than I think it’s more the company and not the journey. I took Holly with me. For whatever reason, this trip was different. I was really exhausted for some reason and when we reached town, we stopped off at the grocery store to get provisions (water and snacks). I love the town. It’s small and people are really friendly. Even for a white girl and an Asian guy, we must’ve looked bizarre. But since James Dean was their prodigal son, I’m sure they expected and received weirder combinations. Midway through, I just got a sinking feeling. As I looked through the lens, Holly was just dead. Not dead as in not alive, but dead as in…flat. There was no dialogue, but just looking through the lens, I saw just fear. I hadn’t auditioned this role. And she sure as shit never acted in anything. She was just a high school classmate I thought was pretty. It was excruciating to come to this conclusion after two hours of driving out to the middle of nowhere.

I cranked the camera and shot as much as I could. We got to James Dean’s grave. And shot a scene where she just laid next to the headstone. Again…flat. Something about her face, I just couldn’t…love. That crush I had for her just didn’t translate in camera. I can’t put that into words other than…she wasn’t comfortable. We wrapped. Got into my VW and headed back to Cincinnati. I didn’t say much to her. And she could sense my discomfort. She tried her best to make conversation, while I shut her out, and down. Looking back, this was a cruel stupid thing for me to do. But at that moment, I was focused on how much time and energy I felt wasted on something I didn’t feel would work.

I got the footage back and couldn’t bring myself to edit it. This was also at a time when shooting film, you had to get a workprint, which was a print from the negative shot. I did look through it on a projector. And my heart sank. All that effort with nothing to show for it.

Holly and I never spoke to each other again. It was my fault completely. I am certain to this day, had I showed up with the grit I have today, it may’ve been something special. The footage is somewhere at my parents’ place. They don’t throw anything away. Those moments creep into my psyche every time I work with someone new. It hasn’t changed either. I don’t really audition like other people do. I just meet the person and feel if they would be right or not. I know this is probably the wrong way to go about it. But it’s more important we get along than anything. I think actresses are harder to cast, because you have to really love the person on camera. And it’s nothing that can be trained. It’s just who they are. Otherwise the audience doesn’t care. I think they know this. It’s a vulnerable place to be. And I see the strength and trust it takes for them to be this in front of the camera I operate. Some people make it look so easy. It’s no wonder we have such a fascination in people who can do this.