"A Beautiful Mind" (2001)

I thought it would be funny if I wrote a review of “A Beautiful Mind” as if a ‘bro had written it for his frat brothers:

So I Netflix’d “A Beautiful Mind” because that chick with the sweet melons riding a horse in “Career Opportunities” was in it. Fuck. That movie was worse than going to class. Yo Homie, just ‘cause your brain is melted, doesn’t mean you have to make us all feel what you feel. Like shit.

Directed by that kid from “Happy Days” Opie-something, this is about a professor named John Nash played by Gladiator. He goes to some smart kid school. This cat is so stupid smart, he got a scholarship to get his learn on. But he’s too smart so he don’t go to class. Can you believe the cojones on him?

Naturally, if you’re that smart, government wanna dig into your brain juice and figure out what you know. So he gets recruited by that dude from “The Rock.” Look like Skeletor and shit. Dig it, this government suit wants to use this smart cat to crack codes. He does this for little bit, then one day…the movie’s like “psyche!!!” mofo, you been got! Guy ‘aint working for the guv’mint. Mofo is kray-kray. Yep, loonier than a pelican (Go Hurricanes!).

So the rest of the time, his wife, played by Mrs. Sweet-Cans Nash has to put up with his shit. That mean he tried to drown his kid, sees people who aren’t there, and she don’t get the nookie. That drives her the most nuts, sorta’ speak.

The fact that Big-Knockers stayed with him even without regular dickin’…fuck, give her the Nobel Prize. Which Gladiator kinda’ does.  I dunno, this movie confused me. He’s got big brains, but a part is broken. And he’s annoying as fuck, cause he has them hand tic things. Makes me nervous lookin’ at it. Makes no sense this dude didn’t get jacked on a daily basis. But then again, there wouldn’t be a movie if he just kept getting jacked.

Found out later this movie won all kindsa’ Oscars and shit. I was like “Wuuuuuut?!” Then I was like “Duh, Charles (which was Gladiator’s imaginary friend’s name), voters in Hollyqueer get all excited seeing themselves in movies. Cuz nothing more schizo than that town.”

By the way, chief, your brain ‘aint beautiful. It’s fucked ten ways to Sunday. You know who had a beautiful mind? My mind ,when I saw Mrs. Sweater Puppies Nash running in the rain without a bra. Give them the Oscar gold.