"Roadhouse" Teaches You EVERYTHING

Swayze.

The name itself conjures up thoughts of marble being chiseled into a fuckin' statue.

When I was 14, I rented "Roadhouse" on VHS. This was at a time when you could get videotapes at a grocery store. Better yet, they had deals where you rent three at a time. "Roadhouse" was one of them. My pop and I would go to movie theaters to watch movies together but never really watch videos together. So he disappeared with "Roadhouse." On his return, he shoved the tape into my hands and pronounced "this movie is not for kids."

My ears perked. Something he's never said before. Not sure how to take it. Was it not for kids because of content or was he telling me it's not for kids, because he sees me as a man?

Well, I consider it the latter. Because "Roadhouse" is a bible, mofo. A bible on how to be a dude.

This movie has everything. And I mean EVERYTHING a dude should get into. It's got bar fights. Bar philosophy. Bar wenches. Bar friends. Knife fights. Gun fights. Back room banging with underage women. Throat ripping. Sweaty blues music. HUGE breasted dancers. One-liners. Karate. Monster trucks. Mullets. Sam Elliot.

The list goes on forever.

The movie is all about being a man. And not one fucking apology for being one. In fact, it celebrates the fun of being a man. Hell, the director's named Rowdy Herrington. This movie unrepentant fun. And if you want the secret of what it means to be a guy watch this movie...NOW.

See, nowadays, you can't make movies like this. It's politically incorrect. It's a great bygone era of when the makers just wanted to have a ton of fun. Fucking women ruined the fun. We can't ogle women dancing on tables to a blind blues player anymore. Why? She's someone's mother. Or sister. Or whatever. To me, she was tits with high heels making a living. Boner-Town, USA. Our fuckin' balls are lopped off these days, because of fear. Fear that this ridiculous fun could somehow cause an uprising of...I dunno...guys acting like guys. You know what suppressing these urges do? See: Italy after Mussolini.

And you think this is misogyny. Fuck you. It's not. It's actually a celebration of women, drinking and fun. Shit, they have Kelly Lynch as a doctor. The leggy winsome blonde is the town doctor. I'm not joking. She even wears glasses to indicate she is one. AND Ben Gazzara, many decades removed from Lee Strasberg school of limp-wrist acting, is the town baddie. Every second of this movie screams that it wants men to love it. AND we do. Because there's no fucking reason any of it should work. Be honest with you, I wouldn't mind living in that town of which all this nonsense takes place. A cartoon come to life no doubt.

I love this movie. And if it were up to me, it'd be on every high school freshman's curriculum. "Tell me Jimmy, what are the philosophy of your life now"
Jimmy: "Be nice. Until it's time to not be nice."

How much more zen could that be? And to the people who thinks it's trash, here's a Dalton-ism that may fit you "You're too stupid to have a good time."

From Kelly Lynch via IMDB:
(2012, on Road House) I got a call from my agent, and I had just done Drugstore Cowboy, which was a little different, but he said, "There's this other movie." I was actually one of the last contract players, I guess, but I had a two-picture deal with United Artists, which I don't remember signing it, but apparently I had it, and that's how Road House first came up. The actress who'd been cast first to play against Patrick Swayze was Annette Bening, but she was fired. Patrick just didn't feel any chemistry with her or something. I don't know what it was. But I didn't know who she was, I didn't know what this movie was, all I knew was who Patrick Swayze was, and that's because he'd just done Dirty Dancing, which was a big movie. And I thought, "Man, he's a really interesting guy," so I took the script, but then I read it and I was like, "Okay, I don't understand what this is. There's a big-wheel truck, there's a bad guy, there's a doctor in a mini-dress, and there are bouncers." It was just, like, a goulash. So many elements were thrown into this movie that it just didn't make any sense to me. But I took a meeting with the producer, the famous Joel Silver, who did not disappoint as far as offering a larger-than-life personality. He was hilariously funny and charming and a maniac. We sat in his office, and he basically talked me into doing it. He said, "Look, first of all, I don't make art, I buy it," which is his famous quote, but here I am, this young actress trying to become an artist, just coming off Drugstore Cowboy, listening to him and just going, "Uh-huh." But he said, "I promise you that this will be the best drive-in movie ever made. It will be a movie that people will love. It will be fun, we'll have a great time making it, and just trust me." And then he just looked at me and said, "And by the way, you don't have a choice, you know. You're under contract. You can say 'no' and we can get really difficult, but we want you and you should do this. It could be great for you." So basically he said, "You have to do this." So I said, "Okay." I showed up for work, and I have to say that, between John Doe, Jeff Healey, and all these musicians, plus working with Sam Elliott and Patrick, it was like a barbecue on set every day. Just a really good time. All that "pain don't hurt" and "I used to fuck guys like you in prison," all those lines, we would be roaring at the time. I mean, it was just hilarious, you know? But no one winked at it. Everyone played it straight. I wore my tablecloth miniskirt dress, and we just had the best time. And I think it shows. And it lives on. I think it's playing on some network somewhere in the universe every single day, probably even as we speak. It's pretty girls, guys fighting, good guys and bad guys... and mullets! We all had a mullet, for God's sake! I remember saying, "How are you getting my hair to do that?" Because my hair's really straight. But they put stuff in it and made it happen. It was amazing. So, yeah, it lives on. In fact, my daughter was at the Fairfax Theater, where they had a Road House trivia night, and she was, like, "You've got to go! A bunch of us are going!" They said it was like Rocky Horror, where they do all the lines and everything. So she's like, "You've got to come! You've got that dress. I bet it still fits you. Come on, you've got to put that dress on!" I was like, "Oh, I wish I could, but I just can't. You guys go have a good time with it, but..." It's so great that it's such a fun thing for everybody. It is what it is, but people love it for that.