Being Numb

You know, when you get off the sauce, it leaves you with a void that numbs you to feelings. I now feel no real ups or downs. Extreme anyway. It’s really frustrating because when I’m around pretty girls, I feel like I should feel nervous and weird. But I don’t feel anything. No lust. No nothing. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I’m almost 40. I realize things change when they grind on your pole. But for the time being, visually, nothing really turns me on as it use to.

I find this troubling because I’m not sure when this will end, and I’ll go back to feeling how I felt. Maybe…maybe it’s not a good thing to feel how I did before. I think with booze, you really experience life in extremes. You think so many bad thoughts. So many good ones too. In other words, drinking alcohol is a crapshoot to how you feel. The down side to drinking is the physical damage you do to yourself. Today I was at a sports bar. Some loud mouth fucker who was cheering on their team against mine, was grating on my nerves. I think in my drunken days, I’d have really given him an earful. Now…my rational sober self let’s these things go. I’m really more amp’d up about the game then to care what someone else is talking about. Yes, he’s getting an audience with the bar. He’s there with his friends. Talking mad shit as they laughed. But…none of it really is personal. He doesn’t know me. I don’t know him. He has a lot of loyalty to his team. Contempt for the opponent. That’s what football releases. For all I know this is all he has in life. He doesn’t need to know that it was pretty much my Sunday morning. But, I feel more grown up. I just go about my business, cheer for my team, drink my ice tea and relax about life.

Passion is a young man’s game. If I have passion in my relationship. In my work. In my art. I’m really happy. Yesterday, I shot with a model. I feel we got some really good shots. I like spending time shooting with this model. She’s really fun. Interesting that we had a conversation about this very thing. She seems super laid back. Almost go-with-the-flow girl. I mentioned that she was so nice and relaxing to work with. And that she doesn’t seem like anything gets to her. She laughed. She said “EVERYTHING gets to me. I’ve got no idea why people think that.” So funny, because when I was her age, someone had said that to me. My response was the same.

I think I do need passion and excitement for these photo shoots. For now, my numbness, I can’t really gauge anything. She’d mentioned that she thought my work was above par. While…academically, I should be swelled with pride and happy. And I am. At least I think I am. But, my previous self, I would’ve felt like 100 feet tall. I miss that feeling.

I suggest that if you’ve been a heavy drinker and decided to give it up, to remind yourself that you will feel lethargic, tired and numb. This is normal. You will not be able to pinpoint certain feelings. I suggest you half everything at first. In other words, whatever you’re feeling now, tell yourself it’s your brain re-wiring itself to normalcy. It’s a miracle so many people have gotten to the other side. This is a long process, where in my world, I’ve taken myself out of life’s equation. I do miss being a social butterfly. I realize there are some people I know now who’s drinking is part of their social circles. BE CAREFUL. I hope and pray it doesn’t sneak up on you. It doesn’t take that long before you’re a debilitated drunk. Your change in personality is going to ostracize a lot of who you were (or thought you were). Friends will peel away. It’s part of growing up.