You're No Good With Money

“You’re no good with money” she said.

That was the sound of my girlfriend, a few weeks before she left me a long time ago. I can still hear those words. I think what she really meant was “you will never earn the money I need to feel comfortable with living.”

I don’t blame her. I’d spend my last dime on film. Stupid as it sounds. I’m not sure where this “hoarding” of film came from. But at this point I’ve stockpiled a lot of rawstock to a point where I could shoot a feature…if I had a feature script I could shoot. Or money to do the nuts and bolts of a feature. For some people this is not a difficult hill to climb. For me, it’s a lot of logistics that wear me out just thinking about it. I wish I was that young cat who doesn’t think about those things. I guess I could train myself to be that way again. But then again, I’d be in worst financial shape. Was it a self fulfilling prophecy? Or I am really that knucklehead who goes belly up for following my passion.

It’s a weird quandary. I have so much faith in what I’m doing is right. Shooting on film. Making film festivals. Working with my friends. But at the same time, the common sense side seems to scale back. I’ve heard now, two stories of people who had spent a lot of their own money making a movie, only to have it bankrupt them. Do we learn from this mistake? Dust ourselves off and re-do. Learn from them. Get smarter. Or are the stakes so high you don’t bounce back. This is when you learn who you really are.

It’s a really lonely place to be. Mostly because everyone’s path is different. I can ask a million people who’ve made it and all their stories won’t be like someone else’s. The path is arduous, sad…and you have to go about it alone. The thoughts that drive you are “do you believe in yourself enough to push forward?” “does anyone even give a shit.” The real answer is yes and no. I know, pussy way out. But what I mean is, when you believe in yourself, everyone will give a shit. Because they see the passion in you.

I found this out at work. I work at a post house who seemed to have chosen a more stable life. I can tell a lot of them are very very creative people. The younger ones have so much hopes and dreams of their future. The older ones have reality set in. So when you talk about short movies you want to make. They see your passion. In my case, they see I’m always…moving. Like doing this and that and the other. They are genuinely fascinated. And it’s really cool to talk to them about it. Everyone is also really supportive. And NOT phony support. They want to be involved. I think it’s like a clubhouse mentality. Your excitement is contagious. I’m borderline manic when it comes to making something. Highs and lows with this shit people.