I got into a fascinating conversation yesterday with an actor friend. She's not been in the business long, but she does a LOT of odds and ends jobs just to keep doing what she wants to do. She got to telling me about how sometimes she gets resentful of the people who've succeeded where she has stalled. Not only those things, but she focuses on failures rather than her accomplishments. And this due to seeing online, people bragging about their successes. That's a rough thing to deal with.
And I totally get this. Not to be a one-upper, but a similar thing has happened to me.
A few years back I noticed and assistant cameraman who worked with me years ago, who I use to abuse mercilessly, become a cinematographer in his own right. His reel was pretty solid. In fact, a former director I use to work with tapped him to do his projects. Now there are a gazillion reasons that I could make up to tell you why this was, none really eased the shot to the ego. I feel this is the thing that most people don't really say aloud. That when someone you know succeeds, it takes a little away from yourself. This is the sickness of art...sometimes.
I found this to be aggravating, because I've also been on the flip side of this. Had a friend in film school, whom we rarely talk film anymore. Mostly because he's completely out of it. He's heard what I've done, and constantly integrates his opinion, even though he's not stepped one foot on a professional set. This is his way of reminding me, that he's got the film knowledge, whilst I hustle (marginally) in the industry. Here's the kicker. I've no idea he carries this resentment. It didn't even dawn on me (as he is my friend) that he would hold this much resentment for people giving me opportunities where he's given up. Yes, it's not fair. No, I probably don't deserve most of it. But most people don't see the sacrifice involved. It's a sickening envy that goes unspoken until the breaking point.
Now a lot of this comes out in other ways too. For instance, I shot with a model recently who hasn't posted a single thing me or my friend shot. Nothing. She chalks it up to her own expression or that she's "picky." I get it, she doesn't like her face in certain poses. It's a specific pose she's looking for. And, to me, it's GAWD AWFUL. She recently shot with another photographer. Saw his portfolio. Mediocre is being kind. Anyway...
...she basically wants the worst over-processed garbage look that Instagram offers. It's horrid. Bad bad bad color. Poor digital quality. Etc. Now a lot of people would say "well, that look is subjective." Not really. It's common sense. So, the piss poor quality of amateur work far exceeds the poor quality of semi-amateur look. BUT, the "client" is always right, right? Blargh.
Griping aside, I feel this may've something to do with how much I hate the "new" look. People are now being trained to look at crap. They're proud of it. However, if the majority falls in line, what does that make me? A total fuckface.
So, my resentment towards this other photographer, who probably pats himself on the back for something I perceive as garbage, is really my ego getting in the way of reality.
Anyway, my point being, if/when you put your "art" out there. Whatever you get back, take with a grain of salt. You aren't as bad as you think you are. But also keep in mind, you aren't as great at you think you are either. Just know that you're at least out there doing it. And you should be proud of that.
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