17th Day Of Sobriety - On The Doorstep

This is the last weekend before my 21 days are over. This has been a very strange two & 3/4 weeks. I've been down. I've been up. I've had bad thoughts about my life. I've had good. I've been sobered enough to experience rejection. But I realize how much time I really can have for myself when I don't wake up pissed with a headache. Moreso, it was a great time that I did quit, because a less sober version of me probably couldn't tolerate the morning shift in at my job. I certainly wouldn't be as patient with the people that are around me.

I think sobriety has really made me more contemplative and aware of my emotions. Yes, I feel bad. But I have every right to feel that way. A drunk version of myself wouldn't be able to face myself in the mirror. It's funny, I may have pulled a "coyote ugly" on myself. I'm at my most sober now and I wake up to a very scary person next to me. And that's: ME! Maybe I can slip out, leave cab fare and I won't notice.

Nowadays, I see all the effects of alcohol to my body. Bloated face. Wrinkles. Baggy eyes. Sallow skin. Jaundice. I try looking for that angle that makes me look like a super hero. That winning smile. And it's all gone. Youth had fled from my expression. I DO NOT blame anyone or anything. This is the life that I chose. I sped it up. I had a great time. I have a great time writing about it now.

You ever have that friend that reminds you of your debaucherous behavior when you were younger? I have many. My God, all people have to go by in my history is that time I did this, or the time I did that. They tell tales of me like I was some rambunctious ogre out to steal their chickens only to amuse them with a dance. And then steal their chickens while they aren't looking. Guess who doesn't get to relive it joyously as they have?

I'm not doing cartwheels happy because of this change. I think a lot of people think I should be happy because I was able to shake the monkey off my back. Not so. It's not that I'm not unhappy. It's that I'm just as happy as the next person. Which is a fleeting emotion. Moments. No longer extension of regret and flashes of pain. I know I can prolong that moment of contentment for a second longer. Is it worth jettisoning my friend, the bottle? I think it feels more real. I know the hardest part was to break that cycle.  To let go. Living in limbo sucks. And it never had to be that way. I don't intend to go back to who I was before these past weeks.

One of my greatest regrets that I think about often is my girlfriend in college. I was really in love with her. Young love. Stupid love. We played house. I could be the husband who came home, smoked a pipe and she'd draw a bath for me and cook me dinner. Why wouldn't life stop for me there? I left to follow a different path. Yet, a part of me kicks myself for leaving something so great. Yeah, I was drinking then, and the memory is foggy. So as far as I know, it could've been Hell. Why was I so shocked she had dumped me? I think it may've been the last time I was genuinely happy. Time to let it go.

Spinning wheels on mud go nowhere.