You ever have that friend whom you've pocket-dialed and you now have to talk to them? Yeah, that's how I ended up calling my friend Rachel. Rachel and I have been friends for a while. We've had a crusty past. But I won't get into that. Just...just...my stupid phone accidentally pocket dials people and I'm sure I've pissed people off. Out of fear, I've checked past history calls...guess what?...I would say 70% of my last calls were pocket dials. I have a stupid mouth so I'm sure half of those people heard awful conversations I've had with other people. Samsung...you've ruined many of my relationships. You owe me a Coke.
Anyway, so now I hang up, quickly...next thing I see...I get a text "I'm going to call you and you're going to pick up" This, from Rachel. I was writing my last blog by the pool smoking a pipe (yeah, I smoke a pipe now while I blog, like some douchey 70 year old writer. I might as well have a stupid stuffed bass hanging from on my wall). And I panic. Here I am, in my underwear about to get a call. So I text back "Hold on, lemme get some pants on."
Okay here's the thing...I REFUSE to talk on the phone without pants on. Why? I have no idea. I just think you can't have a serious conversation without pants on. So I get my pants on, and then I get the call.
A few things...she never addresses the fact why I would have no pants on. And also, not if I was free to talk. Only that I was on Xanax, and she wanted to catch up with me. She suggested I get Kava tea to quell some of my anxiety. To which I replied "What anxiety, you have anxiety, why would you say I have anxiety?" Double dose my Xanax.
I get into an argument with her about why I can't talk to people on the phone without pants on. She claims that I have shame issues. Really? She's telling me this now? We've been friends for a long time. Me and shame share a toboggan. I just don't feel any authority without pants on. End of story.
Getting past the pants issue she suggested this Kava tea, since apparently it will calm my dumbass down. So, being me, I get clever. I would tell her that there are no Kava pills at the grocery store. She reiterated "TEA" to which I replied "Kava pills probably don't work." Impatiently she replied "I'm going to kick your ass, TEA...TEA".
"What's Kava again?"
This goes on for a while. Frustration ensues. I laugh to myself so hard, I think I crack a rib. So much better than Kava.
Going back to smoking a pipe. I gave up smoking cigarettes years ago. Now that I gave up drinking, I figured I'd revisit tobacco. I hang out at a cigar shop now. You meet the most interesting people in cigar shops. Pretty obvious, I know. But today, everyone was hiding from Carmageddon. They put out coffee and snacks. So here we have: cigars, coffee, pretzels, chips and pipe tobacco. And the t.v. is playing a ball game. Can you imagine a more dude palace? The place was PACKED. Some dude spent $1500 dollars on cigars alone. Here I am puffing on a $3.00 generic robusto. It doesn't even have a label. Seems the label is the status symbol. I switch to a pipe.
I feel sophisticated smoking one. It tastes good and it smells good. It makes me smell like I could go hunting. And everyone seems to think I'm smarter looking. Overlooking the Asian thing, but whatever. Today was an amazing day. 11 days of sobriety and getting no urges to drink. Bad things happened during the week. And this new transition transfer seems to amp up stress, but I think I can figure a better way to handle it. To Rachel's credit, she gave me one good pearl of wisdom: "What people say and do is about them. How we act is about us"
Thanks for being a good friend, Rachel.
Wait, you were out by the pool in your underwear...? You know people on the phone can't see you, but people looking out the window can, right? ;)
ReplyDelete11 days sober - you're a rockstar!