Tired

My face belies a lot of disappointment. When I say "bely" I hope that means puts it on display like museum art. I get a lot of downs. Not down syndrome down, but down as in I hit lows in mood. I'm not sure if it comes from getting really high on projects. Or have a lot of joy in momentum. But I understand now that...in particular, professional athletes can suffer from so much silence. I can't imagine a guy who's heard the cheering of tens of thousands of people to just silence sitting in some suburb can ever equate. I can imaging how deafening their own thoughts may be. Scary if you consider that...say for example, your entire career you've been told what to do. By coaches. By agents. By family. In what moment did you ever have time to make a real decision UNTIL you retire.

Now what? Now you sit in your sweats and relive the glory days. Some were surprised when Junior Seau killed himself. I'm not sure a lot of that was head injury, more like emotional brain injury. I feel the amount of psych'ing out his own body or being a leader of a team put a huge burden on his shoulders. The minute that was removed, you recoil. Let me re-phrase, you bounce back like a crazy super ball. Now you're clawing at the walls looking for some escape. When we have little prospects to do better than that...we've checked out on life. What's the new frontier? There is none. Alexander the Great felt the same...I believe. When he was done...and conquered all the lands, nothing else gave him joy. He could sit in a hammock and rot away, but he was probably left to watch things wither away. Including himself. I get a sour feeling when I put out fruit and see it start to mold. I find this to be an appropriate comparison.

The same thing happens when a movie is complete. Right now, I find myself dragging my feet to complete. Because completion means that silence. Many would say "well, fuck you Thom, move on to the next thing." Yeah, easier said than done. Each opportunity to do a project...I feel is like a diamond. I can't even imagine what it must be like to helm a feature. SO many decisions. SO many days things go wrong. You adjust and move. Adjust and move. No wonder we all go nuts.

Most creative types do have more than one poker in the fire. Balloons in the air (as the saying goes). I dunno how they can juggle so much. I had a girlfriend once tell me that I silence my brain with alcohol. I joke, but I did find courage in booze. If people didn't like what I did, I didn't give a shit. Drank my sorrows away, got excited about the next thing, moved on. This is so much easier to disappear in a haze. Facing your insecurities...I hope no one ever needs to deal with. I feel a lot of us suffer through.