Man, I am exhausted. So exhausted I've gone to boredom. This is the worst feeling. I dropped off my film and now sitting outside of a library waiting...for something. Anything. Not really sure what I'm suppose to do now, except to coordinate the next thing. Which is already a mountain before me.
This shoot took a lot from me. Not in a bad way. But an eye opening way that I should've known better. I feel that with my past history and experience, it would've been easy. It's never easy. If it were we'd all be doing it. But it sometimes sucks major balls. And you're completely alone in feeling it. You can't explain it to most people, because A) they could careless, B) you're boring them.
This is not an interesting life I lead. I function in such a weird purgatory of self-loathing and constant insecurity. Which I'm sure drove my hero (Tony Scott) to similar conclusions (he committed suicide a few years back). We will never fill an empty void, no matter who we think we're trying to impress. We'll never impress ourselves.
It's a shame I stopped drinking. A lot of this would be alleviated if I could just drown out the doubt. But I know it'd be a LOT more anger and pain after I sobered up. I find it to be nauseating sometimes that only a handful understand the constant bullshit people deal with. And...yes, I realize this isn't brain surgery or helping poor distended stomach kids in Africa. But, trapped in your own mind, maybe being the Peace Corps and letting some deep rainforest savage size you up for head shrinkage (and not the MDA approved kind) would be merciful.
We eat a LOT of shit doing this stuff.
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