Artists are fucked up people. Because they're frequently impotent in life, they take it out on storytelling. I'm positive I'm guilty of it. Robbed my soul of humanity. I have so much impatience for the world it grates on me. Because I wasn't always like that. I consider myself polite to a fault. To a point where I feel it in my core if I've offended someone. Nowadays, I could care less. Worse, I relish in calling people "fucking idiots" to their face.
Case in point, this moron girl who works in the same office as me. She talks before her brain has a moment to process. When I correct her, her next response is, "I didn't say that." Bitch...the moment it came outta' yer stupid mouth I already knew it was wrong. I've been doing this for almost a decade, you...a couple of months. Who, in your limited brain dead world do you think you're correcting? So of course, my first (and stupidly definitive thing) is to berate her. The unmitigated anger I feel turns to joy that I can turn this person who thought she had leverage to speak when not spoken to, overwhelms my intellectual side which tells me this is just so wrong. I am a crap human being.
Yes, that's the new pissed off shitbag version of me that is the result of getting scraps at an already saturated rarely appreciated Hollywood table.
And it'll probably get worse. Because it is a totally "I've done more, better, hairier, dumber, experienced" chip on the shoulder. And before anyone can say "well, you were probably like that before you got to Hollywood. This just magnified your asshole-ness." Well the magnify part is right. But previously, I'd been able to rationalize and take a step backwards to digest things. And simmer down a little. Now...I just berate first, figure it out later. This is all the behavior of many people I've encountered, and ALWAYS hated. Well, here I am now.
This place changes the best person in us. The ingenue comes into town, and is seduced into sucking the shriveled old cock of some high-end attorney to some agent in front of some screening, like it was normal. This has NEVER changed. Marilyn Monroe did it to find her way into the business. Think about that for a second. The most iconic Hollywood starlet in the world...started out giving cheap hummers to sleazy Eastern Euro producers for a place at the table. If this doesn't sicken your inner soul. Than Hollywood may be for you.
We are all bad rotten people. And nothing changes.
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