I've most likely griped about this but here goes...for the cheap seats...
I had the opportunity to attend a prestigious film school's student film screening. Don't ask me why, but I went.
That's when the nausea hit. These movies are made by young'ins who want to work in the movie business. My friend who invited me to the event and I are way long gone from students. For me I'm nearly double their age, and if I had to say anything to this group, it's this:
Your movies suck.
They don't suck, in that you don't know what you're doing, they suck because their full of stories without a shred of heart. Not the heart that forces you into stories you believe in, but it lacks sincerity. And I'm trying to pinpoint how you can sniff out a student film. By all means, their production value outshines mine by thousands, but really is missing is...rawness. Instead, the opt for film festival showreels. Wrong.
The thing with young people is that they are so polished. That they follow a template to a tee. For my class, it was always debating religion or how divorce effected them. They sucked. Mine was about a kid whose parents died in an accident and gets sent to an orphanage only to escape in attempts to find his grandfather. Too much movie for a short...it sucked. Sucked because I tried to make a Disney film.
What these kids are going to find out, is that they aren't going to get these resources when they get "out here." They will struggle and most will quit. Most will take menial jobs. Others will become teachers themselves.
After the screening, a massive group of people meandered around the party tents and food truck (yes, they're this serious) and talked about...well, movies. And the business. What I discovered is...most are pretty full of themselves with hope. Blind ambition to pursue what the rest of us "out here" have concluded...the chances of you earning a spot at the big table is near impossible. If I had a lesson to teach it's this... make friends with dread.
What is dread? The fact that making these things will most likely never find an audience except for your parents. And that you truly feel less than your peers (well, most of them, since their movies suck more or less than yours). Dread is anticipation of the worst. Making plans to keep the worst at bay and then having something insignificant derail you (wasn't so insignificant now). It's being dragged to set terrified that you won't make your day. It's wondering where your next paycheck is going to to keep the ship sailing. On top of all that...dread of the personalities you have to juggle. Whether it is the actors or crew. Because at the end of the day, dread keeps you alive.
Most students do not know real dread. Their stress is contained in the warm embrace of an institution. Dread when you're a working professional is paralyzing.
Now I'm sure if any student is reading this, their question would be "why are you doing this?"
A) I have nothing to prove anymore, so it doesn't benefit me either way.
B) I need something to occupy my time.
But the one thing I have to say more than anything else...if any opportunity comes to do anything ESPECIALLY if you are offered it, DO IT. Students make the BIGGEST mistake of thinking these things come around daily. THEY DON'T. Feel grateful. Be grateful.
This is why I like doing things to support student filmmakers. They're annoying, BUT...I know at their level, a simple push (or in this case, bump in budget) helps. And they are most grateful for that. Yes, this makes me an enabler. So what? Student films suck.
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Jussie Smollett Released And Charges Dropped
If you've been following this case, it's that gay dude from the show I never saw. People are upset he was let go with essentially a slap on the wrist for attempting to start a race war in a hoax. Black and White folk are burning because it really kills the call for help from REAL victims. Smollett was convicted in the court of public outrage. And there was too much evidence that proved its point. But the Attorney General of Illinois, a friend of Barack Obama and Michelle Obama seemed to have real sway. Most likely they greased that wheel that gave him an out (in case you're wondering how gangster the Obamas really were).
Didn't surprise me after Kim Foxx recused herself because of the connection.
SO the real outrage continues over justice. Or lack of.
Does it bother me? In the long run, not really. It was a stupid hoax, though could've gotten people killed. Not any odder than "Jackass" which I hate too. This happened to be the call to arms people like Don Lemon or Stephen Colbert wanted. That they manufacture lies if the truth doesn't fit their agenda. I'm sure he'll be coming out (again) to tell the public how he was stressed and anxiety ridden and so forth. But, if I were him I'd lay really low.
I think this may also be a response to the cop in Sacramento who shot a Black dude who was involved in a drive-by. The cop was acquitted. I truly think the Obamas or Foxx think this was a slap to Trump's face. How derailed and emotional the Left really are. There is no justice under them. As they most likely feel there is no justice under the Right (history). But, let's get perspective to commons sense.
Oddly enough, Black and White seemed to have banded together to hate on this dude. And that's a start.
Didn't surprise me after Kim Foxx recused herself because of the connection.
SO the real outrage continues over justice. Or lack of.
Does it bother me? In the long run, not really. It was a stupid hoax, though could've gotten people killed. Not any odder than "Jackass" which I hate too. This happened to be the call to arms people like Don Lemon or Stephen Colbert wanted. That they manufacture lies if the truth doesn't fit their agenda. I'm sure he'll be coming out (again) to tell the public how he was stressed and anxiety ridden and so forth. But, if I were him I'd lay really low.
I think this may also be a response to the cop in Sacramento who shot a Black dude who was involved in a drive-by. The cop was acquitted. I truly think the Obamas or Foxx think this was a slap to Trump's face. How derailed and emotional the Left really are. There is no justice under them. As they most likely feel there is no justice under the Right (history). But, let's get perspective to commons sense.
Oddly enough, Black and White seemed to have banded together to hate on this dude. And that's a start.
Sunday, March 24, 2019
"Us" (2019)
There will be SPOILERS so...read with caution
Jordan Peele blasted into the cinematic universe with his uneasy movie "Get Out" In that movie, I recall mentioning how fine of a line he crossed in which he was really calling out the White Liberals, but they seem too dense to know how patronizing they were to Black society. They, in fact, started using them as vessels to live longer.
In "Us" he uses a similar effect, except, now we have doppelganger/clones that are identical, or a little off-shoot of us. As strong and amazing craftsmanship this movie is, it falls under the weight of his own disgust for the present administration AND its people who voted him in office. It's an incredible comparison, and great...until you realize the logic and common sense of it.
It's 1986 and the Hands Across America campaign was in full swing. I recall this because I recall making fun of it. Lame and gay. Still is. But I digress. The next thing, a little girl goes with her parents to the boardwalk and she gets sidetracked into an attraction (house of magic). There she comes across her doppelganger and that is the cold opening.
Fast forward to present day, and the little girl has a family now, along with a Dad who is corny and two kids who would rather be in their own world. One girl, one boy. They go back to the vacation spot to where the Mother grew up. Uneasy.
After a few introductions to rudimentary characters...as the obnoxious party friend and his drunk wife...one night we come across...The Other Family...
This is where I'll curtail into the secrets:
See the doppelgangers are mindless underground dwellers whom are explained is a failed experiment. That underworld got a taste of the upper world when I little girl gets pulled into its clutches and exchanged. Though they look and act like us, they are mindless. And dressed in Trump Red (yep, pretty obvious). Then as they start taking over the world (as Trump's people did) they start to mimic the ones living topside. That is how rural folks start to get into the modern world. By taking their culture and mimicking it. They also return to attempt the Hands Across America. Which resembles the wall that wants to keep Mexicans out of America.
So much good stuff here, EXCEPT...the logic. And that is tragic. How in the flying fuck did these dummies exist prior to a little girl showing them the way? How do they look EXACTLY like us when they have been living underground with artificial light, food scarcity, or commercial retail? How are they being trained when they doppelgangers are all mentally unable to comprehend the simplest of commands. And THIS is the issue with the movie that makes it okay when it could've been a PERFECT movie. It's so well made that many people will not see the common sense flaws, or will forgive it. It seemed, like most Blue state movies, that it desperately wanted to staple the message to the American Constitution, it forgot it was a movie first. Though, I didn't feel it was TOO heavy handed, and you can read what you want, the point Peele is attempting to make is that the underground dwellers (Republicans) have taken over by dumb brute force and violence. If you agree with this, none of the logic flaws matter, if you don't...then you will most likely not care for this movie.
To me, it all comes down to common sense. Maybe it doesn't require it, since it's maybe a spiritual commentary. It has nothing to do with science, but requires you allow these "experiments gone wrong" to be the only explanation (worked for Spielberg). Good on that.
I do love the references throughout the movie that tells me Peele studies HARD. He has all the beats of an 80's horror down and nice little references to other movies. Too many to put down here. And there are logic to some of the weirdness. Again, it's because this one nagging thought of the big secret at the end where the character of the upperworld is swapped and then we realize it's the underground dweller who infiltrated the upperworld and lived a full life while the upperworld girl lived underground and "taught" the doppelgangers? That is the core problem and the movie collapses under that weight.
I really wanted to love this movie, instead, I just like it.
Overall, Jordan Peele is a serious movie maker. He impresses me as he is a student of cinema. I'm excited he is the real new generation instead of put-upon token hires that don't do anything interesting.
Jordan Peele blasted into the cinematic universe with his uneasy movie "Get Out" In that movie, I recall mentioning how fine of a line he crossed in which he was really calling out the White Liberals, but they seem too dense to know how patronizing they were to Black society. They, in fact, started using them as vessels to live longer.
In "Us" he uses a similar effect, except, now we have doppelganger/clones that are identical, or a little off-shoot of us. As strong and amazing craftsmanship this movie is, it falls under the weight of his own disgust for the present administration AND its people who voted him in office. It's an incredible comparison, and great...until you realize the logic and common sense of it.
It's 1986 and the Hands Across America campaign was in full swing. I recall this because I recall making fun of it. Lame and gay. Still is. But I digress. The next thing, a little girl goes with her parents to the boardwalk and she gets sidetracked into an attraction (house of magic). There she comes across her doppelganger and that is the cold opening.
Fast forward to present day, and the little girl has a family now, along with a Dad who is corny and two kids who would rather be in their own world. One girl, one boy. They go back to the vacation spot to where the Mother grew up. Uneasy.
After a few introductions to rudimentary characters...as the obnoxious party friend and his drunk wife...one night we come across...The Other Family...
This is where I'll curtail into the secrets:
See the doppelgangers are mindless underground dwellers whom are explained is a failed experiment. That underworld got a taste of the upper world when I little girl gets pulled into its clutches and exchanged. Though they look and act like us, they are mindless. And dressed in Trump Red (yep, pretty obvious). Then as they start taking over the world (as Trump's people did) they start to mimic the ones living topside. That is how rural folks start to get into the modern world. By taking their culture and mimicking it. They also return to attempt the Hands Across America. Which resembles the wall that wants to keep Mexicans out of America.
So much good stuff here, EXCEPT...the logic. And that is tragic. How in the flying fuck did these dummies exist prior to a little girl showing them the way? How do they look EXACTLY like us when they have been living underground with artificial light, food scarcity, or commercial retail? How are they being trained when they doppelgangers are all mentally unable to comprehend the simplest of commands. And THIS is the issue with the movie that makes it okay when it could've been a PERFECT movie. It's so well made that many people will not see the common sense flaws, or will forgive it. It seemed, like most Blue state movies, that it desperately wanted to staple the message to the American Constitution, it forgot it was a movie first. Though, I didn't feel it was TOO heavy handed, and you can read what you want, the point Peele is attempting to make is that the underground dwellers (Republicans) have taken over by dumb brute force and violence. If you agree with this, none of the logic flaws matter, if you don't...then you will most likely not care for this movie.
To me, it all comes down to common sense. Maybe it doesn't require it, since it's maybe a spiritual commentary. It has nothing to do with science, but requires you allow these "experiments gone wrong" to be the only explanation (worked for Spielberg). Good on that.
I do love the references throughout the movie that tells me Peele studies HARD. He has all the beats of an 80's horror down and nice little references to other movies. Too many to put down here. And there are logic to some of the weirdness. Again, it's because this one nagging thought of the big secret at the end where the character of the upperworld is swapped and then we realize it's the underground dweller who infiltrated the upperworld and lived a full life while the upperworld girl lived underground and "taught" the doppelgangers? That is the core problem and the movie collapses under that weight.
I really wanted to love this movie, instead, I just like it.
Overall, Jordan Peele is a serious movie maker. He impresses me as he is a student of cinema. I'm excited he is the real new generation instead of put-upon token hires that don't do anything interesting.
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
America The Beautiful
A few things I noticed have disappeared from our pop culture. "G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" or Superman's "Truth, Justice AND the American Way." This is a global market thing, but has slowly made America less significant. This is due to President Barack Obama's 8 years in a society that went completely social media. It's not to say Obama wasn't American or did things FOR America, he certainly wasn't America first. And that's something President Trump has embraced. Whether you believe his rhetoric or not, it's a pretty simple question as to where his allegiance lies. Because America has given him so much. Even then, in today's social media world, it is left to doubt. Because of conspiracy theories or whatever. Let's call it "propaganda" for now.
We have recently added Muslims into our state's representatives. They're all, obviously, from liberal cities. A few circumvented the system to win. They are also women. In Arab countries, the Muslim woman would never have these levels of rights. Shit, in Saudi Arabia they just RECENTLY allowed women the right to have a driver's license. That's how old school these countries are. Yet, they have a voice in America. And that voiced is questioned. And people are outraged.
Simply put, if someone asks me who my allegiance to, it isn't Buddha, Jesus, or Allah, it's the United States of America. Some Fox news lady got in trouble for asking a simple questions, "does your religion come first?" The answer better be "no" Instead, Muslim lady was insulted which made Fox have to issue a notice that they were outraged and pulled this lady from her show for a little bit. Not sure why this move.
It's not an offensive question, nor is it wrong. Though, I admit, this is borderline paparazzi level questioning rather than journalism. Which is the problem with Leftist media today. It's all agenda based activist. No one truly just reports news anymore.
So, it really sucks that there are those in America who don't take their pride for the country to heart. It is a land that has saved us from starvation. And where our poverty is a joke compared to the country this Muslim lady comes from (a refugee from Somalia...as if she shouldn't feel the sickening gratitude to America). This is the new ungrateful Americans, and why a LOT of other Americans consider them invaders rather than citizens. Also, most of her gripes are about how America deals with international policies rather than...say the state she represents. Nice going.
It is a testament to America, that they accept this Muslim lady as a new leader. Yet, always surprise that that wasn't good enough. Here's the statement I would make (say if I were her). "America has given me so much and I am eternally grateful. I do my best to represent the people who have faith in America. Because this country is great and took a poor refugee like me in and gave a future."
Instead...all she has is that outrage we're now familiar with.
Get real lady. It's clear her allegiance isn't American based. But who knows if that's the new norm. But in case you want to know how Trump gets another 4 years, this is one reason.
We have recently added Muslims into our state's representatives. They're all, obviously, from liberal cities. A few circumvented the system to win. They are also women. In Arab countries, the Muslim woman would never have these levels of rights. Shit, in Saudi Arabia they just RECENTLY allowed women the right to have a driver's license. That's how old school these countries are. Yet, they have a voice in America. And that voiced is questioned. And people are outraged.
Simply put, if someone asks me who my allegiance to, it isn't Buddha, Jesus, or Allah, it's the United States of America. Some Fox news lady got in trouble for asking a simple questions, "does your religion come first?" The answer better be "no" Instead, Muslim lady was insulted which made Fox have to issue a notice that they were outraged and pulled this lady from her show for a little bit. Not sure why this move.
It's not an offensive question, nor is it wrong. Though, I admit, this is borderline paparazzi level questioning rather than journalism. Which is the problem with Leftist media today. It's all agenda based activist. No one truly just reports news anymore.
So, it really sucks that there are those in America who don't take their pride for the country to heart. It is a land that has saved us from starvation. And where our poverty is a joke compared to the country this Muslim lady comes from (a refugee from Somalia...as if she shouldn't feel the sickening gratitude to America). This is the new ungrateful Americans, and why a LOT of other Americans consider them invaders rather than citizens. Also, most of her gripes are about how America deals with international policies rather than...say the state she represents. Nice going.
It is a testament to America, that they accept this Muslim lady as a new leader. Yet, always surprise that that wasn't good enough. Here's the statement I would make (say if I were her). "America has given me so much and I am eternally grateful. I do my best to represent the people who have faith in America. Because this country is great and took a poor refugee like me in and gave a future."
Instead...all she has is that outrage we're now familiar with.
Get real lady. It's clear her allegiance isn't American based. But who knows if that's the new norm. But in case you want to know how Trump gets another 4 years, this is one reason.
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
Victimization
There seems to be an industry in victimhood. You know that attitude that everyone is out to get them. OR that everything bad that happens is everyone else's fault but theirs. While we had a few years where this was the new norm, the new attitude seems to be that we're sick of being or playing victim. Or at least you should be.
The ones I see it the most from are the Left. And I don't blame them but I do need to say "grow the fuck up." In the past, there has been an ugly amount of bigotry. I've been turned down for a job in lily White Ohio simply because I did not fit the face of their shoppers. Which was pretty much any store in Ohio in the early 1980's. That was ugly. I don't think the people today truly understand real bigotry. They certainly have no clue on racism. The other day, a cop shined a flashlight in my face at a stoplight while I was on my way to work. Yes, my kneejerk reaction was "What the fuck, pig!?" But then, on my street there had been a massive amounts of drug busts lately. So...I was very grateful they were around. Now my friend at work, a Filipino who grew up in Los Angeles, would share a different opinion. He hates cops and has gotten into a lot of trouble because he is who he is. And no institutional authority will ever tell him any other way. Well, one of his kids were taken away from him, and he's on a tight leash with his remaining one. Guess who he blames? Not himself. The judge.
His assumption of me is that I'm a pussy for not standing up for my rights. But there are two things wrong with that. 1) I don't put myself in THOSE situations 2) I have nothing to prove. Meanwhile, he struggles through family court with a chip on his shoulder wondering why LIBERAL California doesn't see things his way. I want to tell him that the law couldn't have made it easier for him if he didn't fucking take drugs. or grew the fuck up. As intelligent as he is, he's also incredibly stubborn. So he suffers needlessly. Brown and Black folk share this pride. I'm not sure who they're trying to impress. But if the conversation came up again in regards to who the pussy is, perhaps the man crying in the corner whose kid was legally removed from him because the law thought he was useless. Nothing I haven't told him. Hard headed.
Obviously, a ton of Brown and Black folk have unresolved issues with authority. Either feeling they've been oppressed or marginalized. And the blowback is a bunch of marches that do, pretty much nothing. Regardless of what these people tell you, you don't do shit. And you're preaching to your own people. So nothing changes. Odd in Los Angeles, let alone hard Left leaning California.
Some people don't see the advantages that can be had, had they NOT been so determined to be a victim. Instead, should exercise discipline. Now call me White-washed or Uncle Tom (literally) all you want. The purpose of my life has nothing to do with having a 2x4 on my shoulders. That was 20 year old me. The 40 year old me just wants to live the remaining days in harmony with society. And those whom I choose to surround myself with or hang out with, I choose to be less abrasive towards their plights. It's hard already to survive in this town. Do you need to fight every wave?
The ones I see it the most from are the Left. And I don't blame them but I do need to say "grow the fuck up." In the past, there has been an ugly amount of bigotry. I've been turned down for a job in lily White Ohio simply because I did not fit the face of their shoppers. Which was pretty much any store in Ohio in the early 1980's. That was ugly. I don't think the people today truly understand real bigotry. They certainly have no clue on racism. The other day, a cop shined a flashlight in my face at a stoplight while I was on my way to work. Yes, my kneejerk reaction was "What the fuck, pig!?" But then, on my street there had been a massive amounts of drug busts lately. So...I was very grateful they were around. Now my friend at work, a Filipino who grew up in Los Angeles, would share a different opinion. He hates cops and has gotten into a lot of trouble because he is who he is. And no institutional authority will ever tell him any other way. Well, one of his kids were taken away from him, and he's on a tight leash with his remaining one. Guess who he blames? Not himself. The judge.
His assumption of me is that I'm a pussy for not standing up for my rights. But there are two things wrong with that. 1) I don't put myself in THOSE situations 2) I have nothing to prove. Meanwhile, he struggles through family court with a chip on his shoulder wondering why LIBERAL California doesn't see things his way. I want to tell him that the law couldn't have made it easier for him if he didn't fucking take drugs. or grew the fuck up. As intelligent as he is, he's also incredibly stubborn. So he suffers needlessly. Brown and Black folk share this pride. I'm not sure who they're trying to impress. But if the conversation came up again in regards to who the pussy is, perhaps the man crying in the corner whose kid was legally removed from him because the law thought he was useless. Nothing I haven't told him. Hard headed.
Obviously, a ton of Brown and Black folk have unresolved issues with authority. Either feeling they've been oppressed or marginalized. And the blowback is a bunch of marches that do, pretty much nothing. Regardless of what these people tell you, you don't do shit. And you're preaching to your own people. So nothing changes. Odd in Los Angeles, let alone hard Left leaning California.
Some people don't see the advantages that can be had, had they NOT been so determined to be a victim. Instead, should exercise discipline. Now call me White-washed or Uncle Tom (literally) all you want. The purpose of my life has nothing to do with having a 2x4 on my shoulders. That was 20 year old me. The 40 year old me just wants to live the remaining days in harmony with society. And those whom I choose to surround myself with or hang out with, I choose to be less abrasive towards their plights. It's hard already to survive in this town. Do you need to fight every wave?
Sunday, March 17, 2019
25th Year Reunion
I didn't go.
But I saw the photos and we've gotten old, fat and grey. The three things that kill you in Hollywood.
But in Cincinnati...perfect. Because that's the way humans should be. Holding onto youth is a losing battle. Things will start to ache and hurt. And we're less mobile. I realize a lot of the women did have kids, so you have to take that into account. But also, we were the last generation to be power drinkers, so some people didn't seem to shed that yet. We're in our nearly mid-40's, though today, we rarely act accordingly. Luke Perry died in his late early 50's. So there's that.
They often tell you to take care of yourself. But that's such a vague term. Get exercise? Eat better? Yeah, no shit. But here's issue, the minute you get some ailment, all that goes out the window. In Ohio, people simply ate heartily. Biscuits, gravy and pancakes. It's also fucking cold there. And our metabolism slows. We don't have time for exercise and most of us desperately try to get sleep. That adds to the droopy weight. Also, there is the psychology behind it. One you find a mate, most people just don't care about it anymore. I think when you get past 40, you are telling most people "who do I got to impress?" So pick your mate wisely.
My suggestion to all of you as you get lazy, or more tired or start to eat poorly...change one of the three things mentioned. Just one. Go ahead and eat like shit, but go exercise. OR don't exercise BUT get busy with an activity. Activities keep you moving. Moving IS exercise, but you don't know it. It keeps you busy, mind and body.
Get some sun. Outdoors are great. I use to love the dark and dusk. Because it really was like my mood. Dark and angry. But having sun in your life does wonders as you are older. Put on sunscreen though, because you're old ass will leather. But it's good to get natural vitamin D.
Have a positive outlook on life. I know I sound dire a lot but, in truth, I've never been happier. Obviously little things bother me and I like talking shit about it, but it really hasn't effected my overall feeling towards the future. In other words, I still have "hope" you should too. This from having a purpose as well. And also checking my ego more and more these days. The world doesn't revolve around me. It won't ever. Embrace life.
Though I can continue to gloat at the singular life I've had, or better yet...survived, I know most people shouldn't consider or feel envy at anything based in non-reality.
Make your own life a good one, just continue to have hopes and goals and things will be cool.
But I saw the photos and we've gotten old, fat and grey. The three things that kill you in Hollywood.
But in Cincinnati...perfect. Because that's the way humans should be. Holding onto youth is a losing battle. Things will start to ache and hurt. And we're less mobile. I realize a lot of the women did have kids, so you have to take that into account. But also, we were the last generation to be power drinkers, so some people didn't seem to shed that yet. We're in our nearly mid-40's, though today, we rarely act accordingly. Luke Perry died in his late early 50's. So there's that.
They often tell you to take care of yourself. But that's such a vague term. Get exercise? Eat better? Yeah, no shit. But here's issue, the minute you get some ailment, all that goes out the window. In Ohio, people simply ate heartily. Biscuits, gravy and pancakes. It's also fucking cold there. And our metabolism slows. We don't have time for exercise and most of us desperately try to get sleep. That adds to the droopy weight. Also, there is the psychology behind it. One you find a mate, most people just don't care about it anymore. I think when you get past 40, you are telling most people "who do I got to impress?" So pick your mate wisely.
My suggestion to all of you as you get lazy, or more tired or start to eat poorly...change one of the three things mentioned. Just one. Go ahead and eat like shit, but go exercise. OR don't exercise BUT get busy with an activity. Activities keep you moving. Moving IS exercise, but you don't know it. It keeps you busy, mind and body.
Get some sun. Outdoors are great. I use to love the dark and dusk. Because it really was like my mood. Dark and angry. But having sun in your life does wonders as you are older. Put on sunscreen though, because you're old ass will leather. But it's good to get natural vitamin D.
Have a positive outlook on life. I know I sound dire a lot but, in truth, I've never been happier. Obviously little things bother me and I like talking shit about it, but it really hasn't effected my overall feeling towards the future. In other words, I still have "hope" you should too. This from having a purpose as well. And also checking my ego more and more these days. The world doesn't revolve around me. It won't ever. Embrace life.
Though I can continue to gloat at the singular life I've had, or better yet...survived, I know most people shouldn't consider or feel envy at anything based in non-reality.
Make your own life a good one, just continue to have hopes and goals and things will be cool.
Thursday, March 14, 2019
My Friend Kurt
I was in my hometown to see my sister get married. I spent a lot of time with her and my niece who seemed to have been more pre-occupied with nothing than wanting to hang with me. Her new step-father, my new brother-in-law seemed to have been the father figure she needed. Which freed up a lot of time to hang out with old friends.
Kurt and I knew each other from...shit...third grade. He still likes to brag he kicked me in the nuts and I chased him through the playground. Him a tall, gangly weird guy, my a short feisty Asian kid, in the suburbs of Ohio. I recommend anyone who wants to raise kids to move to Ohio. It's a quaint state. From top to bottom. Well, maybe not Cleveland.
Every time I was in town, Kurt is the first person I text. Boy does he like to talk his shit. He swung by in his new Subaru...a quick purchase he made when his girlfriend had forced him to get something more reliable. Kurt was that slacker in high school who didn't show up to class and talked a ton of shit to teachers. I recall during our senior year, he wrote an essay on how dumb a poem called "Thanatopsis" was. He equated it to some kid in our school who rambled on until you forgot what he was talking about. That's what he felt about the poem. Needless to say, the teacher failed him, but I would bet you $100 she secretly wanted to give him an A++. Because that's fucking genius.
Kurt marched to the beat of his own drum. The rest of us were climbing over one another to get to a great college. In an Asian family, it was a no-brainer. Meanwhile, Kurt was at the fray, watching. Never complaining. The guy didn't whine like I did. I was that deeply injured artist type (some say I still am). We'd go hackey-sack in the park, smoke cigarettes and drinking shitty malt liquor. We spent many Octoberfest getting wasted at a mutual high school friend's brother's house. I remember getting blasted one year and vomiting all over the deck. Our friend's brother was so fucking angry. I felt terrible. But Kurt was at all my birthdays. Our birthdays are close. He likes to remind me I'm three days older. Surprising considering my classmates all look 10 years older than me. No ego there.
He told me he began a job working at a factory that made cloth that sift through fine material. They had massive corporate clients. This job offered him benefits. So he took it. The thing you have to know about Kurt was that he was a journeyman. He didn't care much about anything, but bounced through life as if it would always provided. Never an ambitious guy, nor was he maudlin about it. There was one time he expressed regret he didn't apply himself more. The guy was fucking smart. Kurt also really respected my Dad for something I had never noticed. One day he came over as my Dad was mowing the lawn, he simply said "Man, I wish I was your Dad." It seemed...weird. I had to ask why. He explained "look, he's cutting his lawn with a smile on his face." It never occurred to me that my Dad expressed pride in his home and lawn. But that's stuff that Kurt points out.
As we got older, we would continue to hang whenever I was in town. Or he would make random trips to visit in college. I have film from sweltering summer days in Bowling Green, Ohio. He was there at the opening of the film I made and showed at the local theater. That was so much fun.
A decade past, and I drank myself into a stupor out here in Los Angeles. Bitterness and anger and...I have no idea what else prevailed in my life. So I surrounded myself with others who did likewise. I didn't have a guy like Kurt to tell me I need to get my shit together. Though, on the surface you could say I was successful, having graduated grad school. The emptiness still was there.
Back to being back home for my sister's wedding...
He pulled up in a Subaru and we took a drive downtown where we ran into another friend. I gave Mike his first job. Well, I strongly suggested him to work at my job when we were in high school at a pizza place. Mike went off to Utah after high school got his college degree, married had a kid and returned to...managing a pizza place. Great dude. He kinda looked like the bully in all the Li'l Rascals series. Red headed with freckles. We dropped in unannounced and boy it was a hoot. Same ol' Mike. We were a ragtag group.
That's when Mike told me. Something that Kurt had not. Kurt was getting chemotherapy the next day. My mind was blown. And if I took a photo, my mouth would be open. I had no words other than to stumble over stupid ones. Nothing made sense. He had been diagnosed with cancer. Which made sense when he asked me about when I got a colonoscopy years ago. He had actually gotten a length of his lower intestine removed. And had a block put on his chest for where they were going to insert the chemo. I was speechless. A gut punch.
As we were driving back, I had nothing to say. He was sipping through a water bottle of vodka and he lit up a cigarette. We both cracked wise still but there was still odd silence. Somehow.
The day after his chemo, I dropped by his place to pick him up. See if he wanted to get something to eat. As we were driving, he told me how awful the feeling of chemo was. And that he wasn't going back regardless of how awful he was going to feel. To him, that type of living wasn't living. I thought of pleading the case that he needs to do whatever it took to survive, but again...he had a very sound position. Living in pain isn't living. We all say it, he lived it.
I didn't think to ask what his family thought. I was still speechless. He still had his water bottle of vodka. He drank it to dull some of the pain. He was eerily quiet. No shit talking.
But it got me thinking about my friend James. They were very similar. Never felt sorry for themselves. Made sure we didn't feel weird around them. I break down when I tell this, because...that is courage. I have never seen this in anyone else, in terms of the living. This realization makes all our other problems petty. Life and death. We see it as a very abstract thing. My two friends who were in their 40's faced it head on. It's probably selfish for me to admit, but I do think what I would feel if I had this diagnosis. And, I'd be crying like a bitch with a skin knee. I have so much respect for these guys who are what the word "true grit" means. I am so very privileged to know these two.
Kurt and I knew each other from...shit...third grade. He still likes to brag he kicked me in the nuts and I chased him through the playground. Him a tall, gangly weird guy, my a short feisty Asian kid, in the suburbs of Ohio. I recommend anyone who wants to raise kids to move to Ohio. It's a quaint state. From top to bottom. Well, maybe not Cleveland.
Every time I was in town, Kurt is the first person I text. Boy does he like to talk his shit. He swung by in his new Subaru...a quick purchase he made when his girlfriend had forced him to get something more reliable. Kurt was that slacker in high school who didn't show up to class and talked a ton of shit to teachers. I recall during our senior year, he wrote an essay on how dumb a poem called "Thanatopsis" was. He equated it to some kid in our school who rambled on until you forgot what he was talking about. That's what he felt about the poem. Needless to say, the teacher failed him, but I would bet you $100 she secretly wanted to give him an A++. Because that's fucking genius.
Kurt marched to the beat of his own drum. The rest of us were climbing over one another to get to a great college. In an Asian family, it was a no-brainer. Meanwhile, Kurt was at the fray, watching. Never complaining. The guy didn't whine like I did. I was that deeply injured artist type (some say I still am). We'd go hackey-sack in the park, smoke cigarettes and drinking shitty malt liquor. We spent many Octoberfest getting wasted at a mutual high school friend's brother's house. I remember getting blasted one year and vomiting all over the deck. Our friend's brother was so fucking angry. I felt terrible. But Kurt was at all my birthdays. Our birthdays are close. He likes to remind me I'm three days older. Surprising considering my classmates all look 10 years older than me. No ego there.
He told me he began a job working at a factory that made cloth that sift through fine material. They had massive corporate clients. This job offered him benefits. So he took it. The thing you have to know about Kurt was that he was a journeyman. He didn't care much about anything, but bounced through life as if it would always provided. Never an ambitious guy, nor was he maudlin about it. There was one time he expressed regret he didn't apply himself more. The guy was fucking smart. Kurt also really respected my Dad for something I had never noticed. One day he came over as my Dad was mowing the lawn, he simply said "Man, I wish I was your Dad." It seemed...weird. I had to ask why. He explained "look, he's cutting his lawn with a smile on his face." It never occurred to me that my Dad expressed pride in his home and lawn. But that's stuff that Kurt points out.
As we got older, we would continue to hang whenever I was in town. Or he would make random trips to visit in college. I have film from sweltering summer days in Bowling Green, Ohio. He was there at the opening of the film I made and showed at the local theater. That was so much fun.
A decade past, and I drank myself into a stupor out here in Los Angeles. Bitterness and anger and...I have no idea what else prevailed in my life. So I surrounded myself with others who did likewise. I didn't have a guy like Kurt to tell me I need to get my shit together. Though, on the surface you could say I was successful, having graduated grad school. The emptiness still was there.
Back to being back home for my sister's wedding...
He pulled up in a Subaru and we took a drive downtown where we ran into another friend. I gave Mike his first job. Well, I strongly suggested him to work at my job when we were in high school at a pizza place. Mike went off to Utah after high school got his college degree, married had a kid and returned to...managing a pizza place. Great dude. He kinda looked like the bully in all the Li'l Rascals series. Red headed with freckles. We dropped in unannounced and boy it was a hoot. Same ol' Mike. We were a ragtag group.
That's when Mike told me. Something that Kurt had not. Kurt was getting chemotherapy the next day. My mind was blown. And if I took a photo, my mouth would be open. I had no words other than to stumble over stupid ones. Nothing made sense. He had been diagnosed with cancer. Which made sense when he asked me about when I got a colonoscopy years ago. He had actually gotten a length of his lower intestine removed. And had a block put on his chest for where they were going to insert the chemo. I was speechless. A gut punch.
As we were driving back, I had nothing to say. He was sipping through a water bottle of vodka and he lit up a cigarette. We both cracked wise still but there was still odd silence. Somehow.
The day after his chemo, I dropped by his place to pick him up. See if he wanted to get something to eat. As we were driving, he told me how awful the feeling of chemo was. And that he wasn't going back regardless of how awful he was going to feel. To him, that type of living wasn't living. I thought of pleading the case that he needs to do whatever it took to survive, but again...he had a very sound position. Living in pain isn't living. We all say it, he lived it.
I didn't think to ask what his family thought. I was still speechless. He still had his water bottle of vodka. He drank it to dull some of the pain. He was eerily quiet. No shit talking.
But it got me thinking about my friend James. They were very similar. Never felt sorry for themselves. Made sure we didn't feel weird around them. I break down when I tell this, because...that is courage. I have never seen this in anyone else, in terms of the living. This realization makes all our other problems petty. Life and death. We see it as a very abstract thing. My two friends who were in their 40's faced it head on. It's probably selfish for me to admit, but I do think what I would feel if I had this diagnosis. And, I'd be crying like a bitch with a skin knee. I have so much respect for these guys who are what the word "true grit" means. I am so very privileged to know these two.
This Too Shall Pass
Life is so limited.
Our lives wrapped in the approval of others. Our perception of ourselves over the reality is always clouded by doubt. But the universe has a way of righting itself.
A handsome man who beds beautiful women suffers financial hardship. An ugly man who gets no women has wealth beyond anyone's dreams. Both have their own miseries with the only link...validity. The handsome man would like to be known for more than looks. The ugly one surrounds himself with models..the best he can afford. In the end both are the same. Yet one envies the other.
It goes without saying, self doubt is evil. It plagues the mind of an awful narrative that we aren't good enough. Or that the other side always lives a more blessed life. While true, the handsome man gets female companionship, it's oftentimes superficial. Yet the wealthy man can buy beautiful cars yet is painfully lonely.
We all turn the grist mill equally with our own personal pain.
The man at peace doesn't allow rejection to derail his peace. No one validates him but him. The anxiety ridden society forces one to re-direct emotion. We build narratives that hurt. Bad. Suffering and blame our existence. The wise man tells himself "this too shall pass" Despite it all...this too shall pass. So for my friends out there that suffer in self doubt know you are never alone. And this too will pass.
Chin up my friends.
Our lives wrapped in the approval of others. Our perception of ourselves over the reality is always clouded by doubt. But the universe has a way of righting itself.
A handsome man who beds beautiful women suffers financial hardship. An ugly man who gets no women has wealth beyond anyone's dreams. Both have their own miseries with the only link...validity. The handsome man would like to be known for more than looks. The ugly one surrounds himself with models..the best he can afford. In the end both are the same. Yet one envies the other.
It goes without saying, self doubt is evil. It plagues the mind of an awful narrative that we aren't good enough. Or that the other side always lives a more blessed life. While true, the handsome man gets female companionship, it's oftentimes superficial. Yet the wealthy man can buy beautiful cars yet is painfully lonely.
We all turn the grist mill equally with our own personal pain.
The man at peace doesn't allow rejection to derail his peace. No one validates him but him. The anxiety ridden society forces one to re-direct emotion. We build narratives that hurt. Bad. Suffering and blame our existence. The wise man tells himself "this too shall pass" Despite it all...this too shall pass. So for my friends out there that suffer in self doubt know you are never alone. And this too will pass.
Chin up my friends.
Flakes...More Griping
Flakes are those people who promise to do something, then find a reason to push it off until it doesn't get done. The lighter end of that are people who are late to film sets, the worst of it are people who don't show up at all. This happens more times than you probably should consider.
This town is full of them. A lot of words, no action. The people who succeed have taken action. All the time. At a certain point, sometimes it is frustrating when things aren't hitting your goals. This deflates a TON of projects as well. How do you combat flakes? You can't. No matter how good you think you're people skills are, flakes have found ways to circumvent your radar. How? Because they're smooth. They cater to your ego. Sometimes they have no idea they're doing it, they just do it.
I have a terrible habit of sending out scripts to friends and telling them we should make it. Though no promise has been made, I still recognize and feel flakey for not pushing hard to get the money to get it done. Yes, this is flakey. Actors don't like to be dragged around like idiots.
Flakey behavior doesn't see the long term result either.
Case in point, I take my film camera to get serviced. Though, camera technicians are an amazing group of exceptionally skill mad scientists, they are also bat shit nuts. They ramble and point out details. Mostly you have to conclude they are working things out in their heads aloud. Most are some form of autistic. A TON are meticulous to a fault. Some started out on set and you can see the toll flakes have taken on them.
Their wild eyed and mumbling angry stuff about the business (such as myself). Jittery and make people uncomfortable because there isn't a conversation happening though...the oddest part...they hear EVERYTHING. Now imagine this obsessive compulsive person being led around by a flake...for decades. You get a time bomb, really. It's difficult to communicate with these people because the fucking flakes of Hollywood have broken these toys. I suppose you can choose to hear the stories of success or the stories of failure, but I guarantee you there are more stories about failures but you HEAR more stories about success (phony Hollywood grandeur). Not that anyone who is still in it considers their pursuit failures. But I guarantee the guy whose dealt with too many flakes have gotten to the point where his fantasies of grandeur turned into work based drudgery. Because flakes can wear you out.
My suggestion, please be very mindful of the people you effect with this behavior. Conversely, be mindful of the people whose enthusiasm is so big you suspect anything that person says can't be accomplished. I think most people who work here long enough conclude, flakes are the ones who will drain your will to make anything.
Don't be a flake.
This town is full of them. A lot of words, no action. The people who succeed have taken action. All the time. At a certain point, sometimes it is frustrating when things aren't hitting your goals. This deflates a TON of projects as well. How do you combat flakes? You can't. No matter how good you think you're people skills are, flakes have found ways to circumvent your radar. How? Because they're smooth. They cater to your ego. Sometimes they have no idea they're doing it, they just do it.
I have a terrible habit of sending out scripts to friends and telling them we should make it. Though no promise has been made, I still recognize and feel flakey for not pushing hard to get the money to get it done. Yes, this is flakey. Actors don't like to be dragged around like idiots.
Flakey behavior doesn't see the long term result either.
Case in point, I take my film camera to get serviced. Though, camera technicians are an amazing group of exceptionally skill mad scientists, they are also bat shit nuts. They ramble and point out details. Mostly you have to conclude they are working things out in their heads aloud. Most are some form of autistic. A TON are meticulous to a fault. Some started out on set and you can see the toll flakes have taken on them.
Their wild eyed and mumbling angry stuff about the business (such as myself). Jittery and make people uncomfortable because there isn't a conversation happening though...the oddest part...they hear EVERYTHING. Now imagine this obsessive compulsive person being led around by a flake...for decades. You get a time bomb, really. It's difficult to communicate with these people because the fucking flakes of Hollywood have broken these toys. I suppose you can choose to hear the stories of success or the stories of failure, but I guarantee you there are more stories about failures but you HEAR more stories about success (phony Hollywood grandeur). Not that anyone who is still in it considers their pursuit failures. But I guarantee the guy whose dealt with too many flakes have gotten to the point where his fantasies of grandeur turned into work based drudgery. Because flakes can wear you out.
My suggestion, please be very mindful of the people you effect with this behavior. Conversely, be mindful of the people whose enthusiasm is so big you suspect anything that person says can't be accomplished. I think most people who work here long enough conclude, flakes are the ones who will drain your will to make anything.
Don't be a flake.
The Hollywood Of The Late 90's
Forgive me if I've told you my Hollywood tales.
When I came out here for graduate school Hollywood was still a pretty dope place to hang. In 1998 (pre-9/11). The place was a shithole. But it was OUR shithole. I lived about 50 feet from Hollywood Boulevard on the east side near some of the premiere scum. A block away near the onramp for 101 Freeway was a free clinic. Every Sunday there'd be a line running damn near the Tommy's Burger two blocks long. It was an awesome time. There was talk of gentrafication, but I lived in a terrible apartment complex for $600 month WITH a roommate. College wasn't cheap, you know.
Anyway, back then exploring was so much fun. Pre-social media internet, we went out and found really neat small areas to hang at. Yeah, it's trite but I'd hit the Chateau Marmont just to see the grounds. Back then NO ONE was there. The celebs were there, but they LIVED there so it wasn't like what it is today. A corporate face of old Hollywood. It was cool then, now...it's pretending to be cool. Or the place where John Belushi O.D'd (sorry, I never thought he was funny).
There were also a ton of movie theaters back then too. One right on Hollywood and Vine Street was a theater that showed double features (much like the New Beverly does today). It wasn't a reparatory theater, but a second run one. I suspect Quentin Tarantino had gone there a bunch too because for $5 you could see two movies. I remember my roommate and I would hang out there, then go to Shakey's Pizza to get fried chicken. This would last us a week (as well as my stories of collecting cans to get a large pizza, so we could live...food wasn't really a priority back then).
It was really awesome without the internet. God, it really was. And I know I'm a hypocrite for using it to spew how much I dislike it, but it seems to have hobbled people's sense of adventure. Why bother going out when you get detailed photos of it online? Plus, as Instagram becomes the main source of visual stimuli, nothing is that amazing anymore. That is sad. Simplicity is re-defined here.
Yes, old Hollywood of the late 90's (fucking 20 years) was still a magical place. Garbage trash town but still worth exploring. Hollywood today tears too many things down to make things for the new. This is incredibly wrong.
There is an unspoken war between preserving old Hollywood with building new things to survive. There are reminders of a bygone era people are okay with leaving. But there is also a sense of...legacy we're missing out on. The grandeur of showing up to putting handprints in front of Graumann's Chinese Theater is lost. As is the star on the Walk of Fame. These are things the new generation aren't wrapped up in (why? They're the stars in their own world created at home). These are the things most working here can't articulate (most I work with only see it as a job and have zero passion for the craft, hence...latest and greatest).
For mid-old guys like me, I sense the late 90's were the last era of classic cinema. Because we still had wonder. Internet anger didn't spoil everything. Or make cool things seem trite. Sure, we had the internet but no one lived on it.
When I came out here for graduate school Hollywood was still a pretty dope place to hang. In 1998 (pre-9/11). The place was a shithole. But it was OUR shithole. I lived about 50 feet from Hollywood Boulevard on the east side near some of the premiere scum. A block away near the onramp for 101 Freeway was a free clinic. Every Sunday there'd be a line running damn near the Tommy's Burger two blocks long. It was an awesome time. There was talk of gentrafication, but I lived in a terrible apartment complex for $600 month WITH a roommate. College wasn't cheap, you know.
Anyway, back then exploring was so much fun. Pre-social media internet, we went out and found really neat small areas to hang at. Yeah, it's trite but I'd hit the Chateau Marmont just to see the grounds. Back then NO ONE was there. The celebs were there, but they LIVED there so it wasn't like what it is today. A corporate face of old Hollywood. It was cool then, now...it's pretending to be cool. Or the place where John Belushi O.D'd (sorry, I never thought he was funny).
There were also a ton of movie theaters back then too. One right on Hollywood and Vine Street was a theater that showed double features (much like the New Beverly does today). It wasn't a reparatory theater, but a second run one. I suspect Quentin Tarantino had gone there a bunch too because for $5 you could see two movies. I remember my roommate and I would hang out there, then go to Shakey's Pizza to get fried chicken. This would last us a week (as well as my stories of collecting cans to get a large pizza, so we could live...food wasn't really a priority back then).
It was really awesome without the internet. God, it really was. And I know I'm a hypocrite for using it to spew how much I dislike it, but it seems to have hobbled people's sense of adventure. Why bother going out when you get detailed photos of it online? Plus, as Instagram becomes the main source of visual stimuli, nothing is that amazing anymore. That is sad. Simplicity is re-defined here.
Yes, old Hollywood of the late 90's (fucking 20 years) was still a magical place. Garbage trash town but still worth exploring. Hollywood today tears too many things down to make things for the new. This is incredibly wrong.
There is an unspoken war between preserving old Hollywood with building new things to survive. There are reminders of a bygone era people are okay with leaving. But there is also a sense of...legacy we're missing out on. The grandeur of showing up to putting handprints in front of Graumann's Chinese Theater is lost. As is the star on the Walk of Fame. These are things the new generation aren't wrapped up in (why? They're the stars in their own world created at home). These are the things most working here can't articulate (most I work with only see it as a job and have zero passion for the craft, hence...latest and greatest).
For mid-old guys like me, I sense the late 90's were the last era of classic cinema. Because we still had wonder. Internet anger didn't spoil everything. Or make cool things seem trite. Sure, we had the internet but no one lived on it.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
The Ego Book
A friend had suggested a book that has greatly influenced my perspective on life.
It addresses the general public, but really applies closely to people who work in the film industry.
The issue of ego is that we are self-centered people. Everything in this business services the need and want (which is quite empty when you see the bigger picture). Ego drives the resentment of losing an acting gig, or a production gig or a deal. Most are cheated by very scummy people. There are a few ways to approach this...dwell in what you didn't get, or just recognize you didn't get it.
Jealousy is an ugly word but a very succinct one to describe how we function. Jealousy and envy is what motivates a lot of people. TO be able to work with certain celebrities, or have a large house off of making YouTube videos or just the people at the fray who've topped your efforts doesn't sit nicely in your mind. But, in the end, we have relatively the same amount of time on Earth as they do. For a lot of sacrifices one makes to earn this lifestyle, it may not be worth it.
I speak repeatedly about how money isn't the driving factor in a lot of us. Most 9 to 5 workers at my office are content to punch a clock, earn their 8 hours and never think about it again. But something probably nags at them. As mentioned in previous blogs, most likely...purpose. Our need to search for purpose leads us to people like Brie Larson who took to defending her friend who made a movie that everyone criticized. This "crusade" ended in her lashing out at a specific group of men who seemed to take delight in hurting her friend. The reality? They most likely didn't like the movie. But why would a person now rich and famous tackle something controversial that could get her booted from any other project? Because her need to matter took the driver's seat. Her ego would not allow her to be paraded by Marvel if there wasn't an important message she needed to tell society. Like it or not.
In hindsight, it's not bad she expressed her deep pain at a demographic that shunned women driven projects, if that were their intentions. I would say, in this case, it maybe was more for her own ego to take it upon herself to criticize in kind. The answer to the previous question about money and fame...it wasn't enough.
Money adjusts your comfort level. The less comfortable you can handle the less you spend. A man who has no home, can brave the elements under a cardboard box and be content. The person who lives in a mansion does not understand how this can be.
To me, ego isn't money, it's what it can bring you. A false sense of respect. People think people with nice things command respect. If you dig deeper, this is a very wrong way to perceive it. Only because it requires a lot of mental gymnastics to keep your stuff secured. Stuff just shows your insecurities with not having enough. I am guilty of it. Though I've never been poor (broke...yes!).
So the ego drives this business which creates a ton of jealousy.
The solution, disengage with what images and words and news brings you. Not to say you need to be completely out of the loop, but we have such short periods of time on Earth, the time spent on worry is depriving you of happiness. Whatever that may mean to you.
I took a drive to Fullerton last Saturday. A place I've heard of, but never been. It is a small town just outside of Disneyland. Quaint, and simple. It seems like, at one point in life VERY simple. The Old Town section still retains a lot of its charm. The road trip clears the mind. Wide open spaces. Regardless of who you are spiritually, I think our soul craves movement. Searching. A lot of us are shuttled from one dark place to another dark place.
I think there is a charm of going to an unknown place and no one knowing who you are and that temporary situation allows you to be more open with strangers. You learn more from strangers than anyone else.
It addresses the general public, but really applies closely to people who work in the film industry.
The issue of ego is that we are self-centered people. Everything in this business services the need and want (which is quite empty when you see the bigger picture). Ego drives the resentment of losing an acting gig, or a production gig or a deal. Most are cheated by very scummy people. There are a few ways to approach this...dwell in what you didn't get, or just recognize you didn't get it.
Jealousy is an ugly word but a very succinct one to describe how we function. Jealousy and envy is what motivates a lot of people. TO be able to work with certain celebrities, or have a large house off of making YouTube videos or just the people at the fray who've topped your efforts doesn't sit nicely in your mind. But, in the end, we have relatively the same amount of time on Earth as they do. For a lot of sacrifices one makes to earn this lifestyle, it may not be worth it.
I speak repeatedly about how money isn't the driving factor in a lot of us. Most 9 to 5 workers at my office are content to punch a clock, earn their 8 hours and never think about it again. But something probably nags at them. As mentioned in previous blogs, most likely...purpose. Our need to search for purpose leads us to people like Brie Larson who took to defending her friend who made a movie that everyone criticized. This "crusade" ended in her lashing out at a specific group of men who seemed to take delight in hurting her friend. The reality? They most likely didn't like the movie. But why would a person now rich and famous tackle something controversial that could get her booted from any other project? Because her need to matter took the driver's seat. Her ego would not allow her to be paraded by Marvel if there wasn't an important message she needed to tell society. Like it or not.
In hindsight, it's not bad she expressed her deep pain at a demographic that shunned women driven projects, if that were their intentions. I would say, in this case, it maybe was more for her own ego to take it upon herself to criticize in kind. The answer to the previous question about money and fame...it wasn't enough.
Money adjusts your comfort level. The less comfortable you can handle the less you spend. A man who has no home, can brave the elements under a cardboard box and be content. The person who lives in a mansion does not understand how this can be.
To me, ego isn't money, it's what it can bring you. A false sense of respect. People think people with nice things command respect. If you dig deeper, this is a very wrong way to perceive it. Only because it requires a lot of mental gymnastics to keep your stuff secured. Stuff just shows your insecurities with not having enough. I am guilty of it. Though I've never been poor (broke...yes!).
So the ego drives this business which creates a ton of jealousy.
The solution, disengage with what images and words and news brings you. Not to say you need to be completely out of the loop, but we have such short periods of time on Earth, the time spent on worry is depriving you of happiness. Whatever that may mean to you.
I took a drive to Fullerton last Saturday. A place I've heard of, but never been. It is a small town just outside of Disneyland. Quaint, and simple. It seems like, at one point in life VERY simple. The Old Town section still retains a lot of its charm. The road trip clears the mind. Wide open spaces. Regardless of who you are spiritually, I think our soul craves movement. Searching. A lot of us are shuttled from one dark place to another dark place.
I think there is a charm of going to an unknown place and no one knowing who you are and that temporary situation allows you to be more open with strangers. You learn more from strangers than anyone else.
Monday, March 11, 2019
Women Film Crew Members
A lot has been said lately about female empowerment in the entertainment field ever since Brie Larson told the press that she didn't care what a certain demographic felt about a specific type of movie. This is retarded, considering half the demographic go to the movies. And to make matters worse, she targeted a specific color. There is no defense for that, except that some are giving her an excuse to have that perspective under...good intentions?
Here's the deal, I've always used a female cinematographer since my days in film school. The reason? BECAUSE of the exclusivity of the field, women tend to work harder on set, be more prepared and alert than men. I am living proof, since I took my opportunities for granted. Women who get into the crew side of filmmaking have a strong ambition. More than any other field, I'd wager. Since it's competitive to begin with. So if I were Brie Larson my comment about movies such as "Wrinkle In Time" would be "look, Ava (the director) is both a woman director who happens to be Black. In our minds, that person has to work five times as hard to make a project that the public wants to see. Because, in fact, most of the hypocritical industry wants us to fail so they can go back to the status quo. Let it be judged by the crowd that both loved the book or is curious about it's adaption. And don't go because it's driven by women, go because it supports literacy. Something, in this technological world, we desperately need."
That was better than making an odd statement about how she didn't care what White male journalist think about movies made by women.
Now a few may be thinking that I only work with women cinematographers rather than men because I can control them. NOT! It's always a collaboration here. A great idea is a great idea. Yes, there are sometimes a woman won't know the cinema reference I may be making (I actually think that's more age than gender) but for the most part, women have an eye for design. And as I've argued in the past, cinematography is about 80% composition. To me, a woman's perspective seems to have a lighter touch than a man's (who, incidentally, have all become late afternoon grim dark silhouetted clones).
I also think a woman's visual voice isn't really seen as much. There are, I believe, five female cinematographers in the ASC (guild for director of photography). In this history, so wrong. Not that I advocate for more based on gender, but that I would encourage more women to shoot. Specifically film. Hmm...now there's an idea.
Here's the deal, I've always used a female cinematographer since my days in film school. The reason? BECAUSE of the exclusivity of the field, women tend to work harder on set, be more prepared and alert than men. I am living proof, since I took my opportunities for granted. Women who get into the crew side of filmmaking have a strong ambition. More than any other field, I'd wager. Since it's competitive to begin with. So if I were Brie Larson my comment about movies such as "Wrinkle In Time" would be "look, Ava (the director) is both a woman director who happens to be Black. In our minds, that person has to work five times as hard to make a project that the public wants to see. Because, in fact, most of the hypocritical industry wants us to fail so they can go back to the status quo. Let it be judged by the crowd that both loved the book or is curious about it's adaption. And don't go because it's driven by women, go because it supports literacy. Something, in this technological world, we desperately need."
That was better than making an odd statement about how she didn't care what White male journalist think about movies made by women.
Now a few may be thinking that I only work with women cinematographers rather than men because I can control them. NOT! It's always a collaboration here. A great idea is a great idea. Yes, there are sometimes a woman won't know the cinema reference I may be making (I actually think that's more age than gender) but for the most part, women have an eye for design. And as I've argued in the past, cinematography is about 80% composition. To me, a woman's perspective seems to have a lighter touch than a man's (who, incidentally, have all become late afternoon grim dark silhouetted clones).
I also think a woman's visual voice isn't really seen as much. There are, I believe, five female cinematographers in the ASC (guild for director of photography). In this history, so wrong. Not that I advocate for more based on gender, but that I would encourage more women to shoot. Specifically film. Hmm...now there's an idea.
Friday, March 8, 2019
The Presence Of Being
A friend suggested a book to me in regards to the teachings of being and purpose. At first I was very dismissive, since most of these New Age-y books get on my nerves. And frankly, since the 1970's...what more can be said that the Zen Buddhist had not already said.
I also recently celebrated a birthday, and to be honest, this is one of the best birthday presents I've ever gotten. It's a gift to the soul to realize all the resentment, anger, jealousy and so forth does NOT have to be within me. While it's still often true that not getting what you want (desire) does send a jolt of pain, it doesn't have to consume your life.
I see this so far in a lot of people who suffered love lost. One woman, in particular, whom I went out with.
Here's the domino of effect... I emailed her to go out, she written that she would like to be friends but since she had recently had a breakup with a fiancee, she was in no emotional state to further any relationship. Honest and up front. We went out. Had a great time. And that was that. I regret being in the state I was at the time. Still drinking to conceal the pain of losing my own relationship. Bitter emanates from the core. What I gathered from our short meeting was...she was suffering much as I, with something we could not get. Then the rest of our lives, as we move with false sense of loyalty, we turn off the world emotionally. Whilst I still check in with her from time to time, I see that she is still stuck where I was stuck. In playing back the past (such is the nature of highly charged emotion). There is not enough sex, booze or other vice that satisfies this cycle other than the obvious:
You must realize we are just floating beings in life that have a small window to just...exist. Yes, our nature is want to leave a legacy (which are children), but also asking oneself, what is the purpose we hope to achieve? Will we be here when they grow older, see them succeed. What is benefit of life if not to gather up more joy or contentment than anger and bitterness. It's been 7 years since last I saw of her, and to the best of my knowledge she is still alone...waiting. I know this feeling. Hurt people do not reach out properly. They wallow in hurt. This is not the life you should hope to sustain if life is short. The emotional ties leave permanent marks on a lot of people. I oftentimes feel a twinge of regret. And this adds to the road map of who you are. This resentment is a thought process that manifests itself into the past. Something that has already moved forward. The "present" is what you can push or pull to your desired effect. Most of us are existing to purely exists. The ambition that most of us out here in Hollywood feel adds so much more pain and bitterness that isn't necessary (why I don't work in production anymore). Though many fool themselves into believing that they are not jealous or resentful of opportunities not given to them, this only enhances their emotional instability by pushing those feelings down until it burst. The trick is to allow that feeling to exist, but subside. When someone has it "better than you" or "is more talented than you" the ego wants to believe that it means you are less. The answer to that...does it matter? What we need to do, is to recognize ego is what is causing the real issues between us. Social media feeds the worst side of ego. As if admitting your accomplishments or "teaching someone a lesson" regards you as anything more than a braggart. It's not remaining humble but just existing in your comfortable self. Taking what is only needed and being...at peace.
Ego has ruined many people and causes people to ruin others. Check your own sense and allow yourself to be calm to the world you were brought into.
I also recently celebrated a birthday, and to be honest, this is one of the best birthday presents I've ever gotten. It's a gift to the soul to realize all the resentment, anger, jealousy and so forth does NOT have to be within me. While it's still often true that not getting what you want (desire) does send a jolt of pain, it doesn't have to consume your life.
I see this so far in a lot of people who suffered love lost. One woman, in particular, whom I went out with.
Here's the domino of effect... I emailed her to go out, she written that she would like to be friends but since she had recently had a breakup with a fiancee, she was in no emotional state to further any relationship. Honest and up front. We went out. Had a great time. And that was that. I regret being in the state I was at the time. Still drinking to conceal the pain of losing my own relationship. Bitter emanates from the core. What I gathered from our short meeting was...she was suffering much as I, with something we could not get. Then the rest of our lives, as we move with false sense of loyalty, we turn off the world emotionally. Whilst I still check in with her from time to time, I see that she is still stuck where I was stuck. In playing back the past (such is the nature of highly charged emotion). There is not enough sex, booze or other vice that satisfies this cycle other than the obvious:
You must realize we are just floating beings in life that have a small window to just...exist. Yes, our nature is want to leave a legacy (which are children), but also asking oneself, what is the purpose we hope to achieve? Will we be here when they grow older, see them succeed. What is benefit of life if not to gather up more joy or contentment than anger and bitterness. It's been 7 years since last I saw of her, and to the best of my knowledge she is still alone...waiting. I know this feeling. Hurt people do not reach out properly. They wallow in hurt. This is not the life you should hope to sustain if life is short. The emotional ties leave permanent marks on a lot of people. I oftentimes feel a twinge of regret. And this adds to the road map of who you are. This resentment is a thought process that manifests itself into the past. Something that has already moved forward. The "present" is what you can push or pull to your desired effect. Most of us are existing to purely exists. The ambition that most of us out here in Hollywood feel adds so much more pain and bitterness that isn't necessary (why I don't work in production anymore). Though many fool themselves into believing that they are not jealous or resentful of opportunities not given to them, this only enhances their emotional instability by pushing those feelings down until it burst. The trick is to allow that feeling to exist, but subside. When someone has it "better than you" or "is more talented than you" the ego wants to believe that it means you are less. The answer to that...does it matter? What we need to do, is to recognize ego is what is causing the real issues between us. Social media feeds the worst side of ego. As if admitting your accomplishments or "teaching someone a lesson" regards you as anything more than a braggart. It's not remaining humble but just existing in your comfortable self. Taking what is only needed and being...at peace.
Ego has ruined many people and causes people to ruin others. Check your own sense and allow yourself to be calm to the world you were brought into.
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Monday, March 4, 2019
Luke Perry R.I.P.
I was only 14 years old when the original "Beverly Hills 90210" came out.
I was in love with a bunch of girls. Had nasty crushes. Back in the 1990's, you couldn't do much to cyberstalk so I just sat at home watching television and sulking. Along comes this show about two Midwesterners who come to sunny Los Angeles, and the high school life they have to contend with. Rich kids doing rich kid shit.
To me, Luke Perry, who is Dylan McKay, was the rebel with a sweet Porsche (dream James Dean Porsche) who caught the attention of Brenda (Shannen Doherty). To me, the show represented the freedom of being a teen and also being angst ridden dramatic.
Call me a fag if you want, Luke Perry was smooth. I think most girls wanted to fuck him over Jason Priestly. I'm sure if I were to do a survey back then on the internet, yeah, he'd win. Sideburns became a MASSIVE thing. My buddy and I both grew ours out. He had the ability to do so, my cursed Asian genetics only made my sideburns look like loose mutton chops. Tufts of hair.
But Luke Perry was the dude. A few years later, he starred in "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" film. Now, this is the ONLY Buffy I recognize. 1) because Kristy Swanson was the girl and 2) because Luke Perry played against type finally 3) Paul Reubens was trying to fix his reputation of being a rain coat wearing smut house perv.
As I graduated high school, Luke Perry disappeared from my radar. They still pressed hard for him to do more feature films. A bull riding one called "8 Seconds" seemed to have tanked him permanently from the big screen, but he persisted through small roles, finally ending up in today's "Riverdale" to which I hadn't seen.
I get the impression that he was saddled with the Dylan McKay character. Everyone from that point wanted him to be that guy. No matter what, the Ohio born Luke Perry seemed to want something...deeper. But roles that were reserved for, say...Mickey Rourke or Leo DiCaprio eluded him. As they also did with the rest of his cast mates (where's Priestly?!).
I'm sure this haunted him throughout his 53 years on this Earth. What is shocking is how quickly we can go. A couple of ER nurses had mentioned in a posting the lack of information given after his initial stroke led them to believe he was on his death bed. I'm not sure how they knew, only that they explained when the words of the hospital are limited, they know that vernacular that the man was going to expire soon (media, stupidly defended the rumors of him being in a coma...guess what? You're wrong again. Why do we even have news when the public is much more accurate).
Something is missing today. I think there is a little bit of me coming to Los Angeles that had to do with that show. Corny as it may be. And that the shimmer of Hollywood continues to get dimmer and dimmer. Not that I've had a lot of disappointments, but it almost feels as if my contemporaries are moving on with their lives. Or in Luke Perry's case, moving on in life. Not that I ever felt a kindred spirit to any made up character, but it still feels like a bigger loss when the life was so young and the career so iconic. In a way, he seems to have been encased in 1990 for me. As I think for others who may not be able to articulate why his loss is far greater.
I was in love with a bunch of girls. Had nasty crushes. Back in the 1990's, you couldn't do much to cyberstalk so I just sat at home watching television and sulking. Along comes this show about two Midwesterners who come to sunny Los Angeles, and the high school life they have to contend with. Rich kids doing rich kid shit.
To me, Luke Perry, who is Dylan McKay, was the rebel with a sweet Porsche (dream James Dean Porsche) who caught the attention of Brenda (Shannen Doherty). To me, the show represented the freedom of being a teen and also being angst ridden dramatic.
Call me a fag if you want, Luke Perry was smooth. I think most girls wanted to fuck him over Jason Priestly. I'm sure if I were to do a survey back then on the internet, yeah, he'd win. Sideburns became a MASSIVE thing. My buddy and I both grew ours out. He had the ability to do so, my cursed Asian genetics only made my sideburns look like loose mutton chops. Tufts of hair.
But Luke Perry was the dude. A few years later, he starred in "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" film. Now, this is the ONLY Buffy I recognize. 1) because Kristy Swanson was the girl and 2) because Luke Perry played against type finally 3) Paul Reubens was trying to fix his reputation of being a rain coat wearing smut house perv.
As I graduated high school, Luke Perry disappeared from my radar. They still pressed hard for him to do more feature films. A bull riding one called "8 Seconds" seemed to have tanked him permanently from the big screen, but he persisted through small roles, finally ending up in today's "Riverdale" to which I hadn't seen.
I get the impression that he was saddled with the Dylan McKay character. Everyone from that point wanted him to be that guy. No matter what, the Ohio born Luke Perry seemed to want something...deeper. But roles that were reserved for, say...Mickey Rourke or Leo DiCaprio eluded him. As they also did with the rest of his cast mates (where's Priestly?!).
I'm sure this haunted him throughout his 53 years on this Earth. What is shocking is how quickly we can go. A couple of ER nurses had mentioned in a posting the lack of information given after his initial stroke led them to believe he was on his death bed. I'm not sure how they knew, only that they explained when the words of the hospital are limited, they know that vernacular that the man was going to expire soon (media, stupidly defended the rumors of him being in a coma...guess what? You're wrong again. Why do we even have news when the public is much more accurate).
Something is missing today. I think there is a little bit of me coming to Los Angeles that had to do with that show. Corny as it may be. And that the shimmer of Hollywood continues to get dimmer and dimmer. Not that I've had a lot of disappointments, but it almost feels as if my contemporaries are moving on with their lives. Or in Luke Perry's case, moving on in life. Not that I ever felt a kindred spirit to any made up character, but it still feels like a bigger loss when the life was so young and the career so iconic. In a way, he seems to have been encased in 1990 for me. As I think for others who may not be able to articulate why his loss is far greater.
Sunday, March 3, 2019
"Gone With The Wind" 60 Years Later
I saw this film when I was a teenager and has always been one of my top 2 movies ever. Mostly for the production stories that came from it, but also for the story. I'm always fascinated by strong female characters because my Mom and two sisters are as tough as they come. Sometimes I wonder if they ever did tap into gender stereotypes. I haven't seen it. Scarlett O'Hara lives within the modern woman, so how can that be wrong?
There's been a recent backlash about this film being racist. First off, get the fuck out of here. People are looking for issues. And a few things still irk me about the title of racism...first, it wasn't racist enough. The reality was probably much worse. In fact, the producer David O. Selznick understanding the awful history...toned it down. But still wasn't going to re-write history to suit the general tastes. We're talking 1939 here for a film that takes place during the American Civil War. So people who lynch this film, like Spike Lee for drawing cinematic comparisons to the celebration of the old South, go fuck yourself (though you still make good movies yourself).
The other thing... of course there were two fucking redneck biker dykes yapping during the film. I told them to shut up, that didn't work. I sometimes wonder if asshats like these come to a film about the Civil War thinking the history would change (hint: it doesn't).
That said, the film still holds up in my book. It's beautiful structurally and cinematically. And BOY, Vivien Leigh is sexy and bold to play someone so driven by the fear of poverty she trades herself to get there. In today's vernacular, that is a feminist. Now, it's not the fact that she needed a man, as some would probably whine about, it's the fact that she wanted a single man. And it wasn't Rhett Butler (played impeccably by Clark Gable). The original book had Scarlett (named in the book Pansy) as a total whore. This one brought that down...a bit. She is the definition of why men love bitches. She absolutely gives men boners with her resting bitch face. Too bad, she's also batshit crazy. To which no one can really tolerate her. But does she give a fuck? No.
And that is the basis of a strong female character. She is more macho and brave than any faux superheroine being tossed out today, because she cuts with her mind, not with this phony idea that a woman can throw a man through drywall. Fuck this new Hollywood that believes that. Scarlett is a TOUGH lady. Smart, tough and shrewd. The type of woman, when first we meet, was the girl men flirted with, fucked a few times and left, but she grew into a woman men would die to marry today.
She is resilient and crafty and steamrolls men to her will. Then becomes successful. How is that bad?
Anyway, fake Leftist assholes who find racism in everything, I guess better to be accused of being racist for liking this film than being accused of being a homo for it.
There's been a recent backlash about this film being racist. First off, get the fuck out of here. People are looking for issues. And a few things still irk me about the title of racism...first, it wasn't racist enough. The reality was probably much worse. In fact, the producer David O. Selznick understanding the awful history...toned it down. But still wasn't going to re-write history to suit the general tastes. We're talking 1939 here for a film that takes place during the American Civil War. So people who lynch this film, like Spike Lee for drawing cinematic comparisons to the celebration of the old South, go fuck yourself (though you still make good movies yourself).
The other thing... of course there were two fucking redneck biker dykes yapping during the film. I told them to shut up, that didn't work. I sometimes wonder if asshats like these come to a film about the Civil War thinking the history would change (hint: it doesn't).
That said, the film still holds up in my book. It's beautiful structurally and cinematically. And BOY, Vivien Leigh is sexy and bold to play someone so driven by the fear of poverty she trades herself to get there. In today's vernacular, that is a feminist. Now, it's not the fact that she needed a man, as some would probably whine about, it's the fact that she wanted a single man. And it wasn't Rhett Butler (played impeccably by Clark Gable). The original book had Scarlett (named in the book Pansy) as a total whore. This one brought that down...a bit. She is the definition of why men love bitches. She absolutely gives men boners with her resting bitch face. Too bad, she's also batshit crazy. To which no one can really tolerate her. But does she give a fuck? No.
And that is the basis of a strong female character. She is more macho and brave than any faux superheroine being tossed out today, because she cuts with her mind, not with this phony idea that a woman can throw a man through drywall. Fuck this new Hollywood that believes that. Scarlett is a TOUGH lady. Smart, tough and shrewd. The type of woman, when first we meet, was the girl men flirted with, fucked a few times and left, but she grew into a woman men would die to marry today.
She is resilient and crafty and steamrolls men to her will. Then becomes successful. How is that bad?
Anyway, fake Leftist assholes who find racism in everything, I guess better to be accused of being racist for liking this film than being accused of being a homo for it.
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