"Suspiria" (2018)

"It smells like cunt...I think" Paul Lynde

The new reboot of "Suspiria" is a languishing bore, pretentious as shit, BUT brilliantly made. The tone of the film nails what that period (pun intended) feels like.
It's a dance academy in Berlin during the late 70's. A runaway Ohio chick finds this place that is willing to take her in...since she has...the shine. I mean...she is touched by some being. Witch crafty. A darker cornier spell casting odd ball story of a lost of innocence told through the eyes of a future prima donna. The dance sequences are well choreographed, yet...there is a massive emptiness to the set up. Perhaps I was hoping for a more Hollywood version of the Dario Argento original. Which, in all honesty, I tried twice to get through when I was a teenager. Fuck, it's got naked witches. Too bad. What it felt like was...well, you can smell the worse parts of women. Which, if you weren't gay going in, you felt gay going out. Surprised to see a lot of homos in the theater I watched it in. The violence is palpable. Miserable, cold and wet. They nailed the tone. Unfortunately, to trek through the muck means having to wait and wait and...wait until you get to some point. Which there is none that I can get to. I think it's drawing some message about women against women. Or...maybe old replaces new. Or following your dreams ends in nightmares. Or...I give up. Neither existed in Argento's either. I'm still not sure why either is considered an interesting story.

I continue to pity the ones who sunk their faith in the niche crowd who wants this to be good. Sure, the music by Goblin in the original gave it an original feel, this time Thom Yorke injects it with a different tone. I sense a nod to Stanley Kubrick's abrasive atonal guttural drone.

The other thing is the over-stylization of something very mundane. While it also winks at a similar mystery as say...Nicolas Roeg's "Don't Look Now," somehow it remains...quaint. Operatic bloody pulpy ending doesn't save it, it only punctuates the mess we already see. Dakota Johnson is the lead...sort of. She seems to be a deer in headlights, over-her-head type. Which you never sense any level of fear. Which is a massive no-no in storytelling. And speaking of which, how the fuck do you tell this witch story around any campfire before the first kid is passed out asleep before the horror. It's not scary, it's not horrific, and...well, it really lacks the atmosphere I was desperately hoping for. You wait too long to get payoff. And it doesn't even exist. Director Luca Guardino made a splash with gay-as-shit "Call Me By Your Name" which is equally as banal. I think the self-importance kills any chance this movie had.
Try again, pal. This time, stop boring people.