Oxygen's "Snapped!"

Snapped.

Lately I’ve been watching a lot of episodes of “Snapped.” It was a show (or still may be) produced by the Oxygen Network. Which now have spun off into their syndication dumping ground channel called Escape. The channel is decidedly for women. I don’t give a shit, I don’t have cable or internet. Occasionally they’ll show a movie (about women murdering men, naturally) or another show I dig called “Forensic Files.” My sister tells me watching all these shows will depress me. I find myself laughing my ass off. Which I’m sure a lot of fat Midwestern women are also doing while stuffing their pudgy pie-holes with bon-bons. That’s my life. I’m cool with it.

Anyway, I started to think about the stance to which a show would spotlight women killing men in either moments of emotion or cunning. I can almost imagine a jilted angry woman laughing as the woman murdered her husband. Perhaps they’re in a relationship now where they just look at their options and wonder what could be slapped together to rid them of the 200 lb. weight eating, sleeping and snoring. A lot of them are pretty clever. Then when they make the simplest dumbest mistakes, you throw your hands up. As if you knew that “Jeopardy question. Cops are dumb, most of the time, they stumble onto the evidence, because the murderer-ess started doing dumb things.

I have this theory that most women do fantasize about murdering their husbands. A passing thought or a full blown plan, I think it is actually in the minds of most women. As Chris Rock said once, you weren’t her first option. And the minute they do sit there silently watching you, you know you look like a fat insurance policy. Can you imagine the perspective they have when they look at your dumb face?

The episodes I love most are the ones where they catch the woman on tape attempting to hire a hitman. What fascinates me about it, is the casualness of which women can order a hit on their spouse. Like dry cleaning, or ordering Chinese food. It’s so dismissed as just something to do. When I think about the consequences of murder, it’s a big guy ass raping me. So, deterrent works. Than I thought “what exactly is the deterrent for women who murder?” Not much. Especially if it’s their husband. Everyone in chick joint has their own story. And the worst it is, the better your cred becomes. I think they equate being married with doing time already. So if you happened to be a middle aged woman who stabbed your husband to death, in the joint you’re a hero to these other women. Out in the real world, they’re calling for your lynching. I’m no scientist, I’d rather be in prison at that point.

This show really cracks me up. My favorite moments of the show are when the people the interview try to inject the name of the show into their words “I dunno, she just…SNAPPPED!” Or “Some people just SNAP“ or “Can we make this SNAPPY?” I would fuck with the show “So, I was snapping my fingers walking down the street, stepped on a tree branch, snapped it, was wearing a really snappy suit, with snaps, of course. And she done SNAPPED!” They’d boot me but good.

I also find it strange to a degree how many women lean on the physical abuse as a reason to murder their husband. Sometimes this defense is pretty obvious and fair. Most of the time, it is the only option they have. There’s just no evidence as to records of abuse. So, the new angle is…women don’t report their spouses.

Listen, I’m in your corner if some dude is smacking you around. That’s bullshit. BUT, if you stay in that relationship…you get what you get. Harsh, sure. Murderous, that’s your option. And you’ll get an insurance policy to boot. But I digress, check out the show sometimes. It sucks you in to all the things you think people can get away with. It wouldn’t surprise me if those women who are watching aren’t screaming at their sets “Aha! I wouldn’ta’ left that chainsaw behind, dummy!” And worst, taking mental notes. Quietly looking at your stupid face.