I Should've Done More

I get into a really weird mind space where I don’t really completely understand about everything anymore. Use to be, some of what I did was to get attention. It doesn’t even interest me anymore to get the love and adoration of people. Recently I spoke to a friend who worked with a really prominent director. He’s worked with big named actors. Robert DeNiro, Tom Cruise, Colin Ferrell, Daniel Day Lewis to name a few. He’s really old now and he buys really expensive sports cars. He also fires people over the phone. Rudely. He’s a piece of work. And is known in the movie business as such. He’s already gone way over budget on the last movie because he can’t make a decision. Not that he’s a buffoon. Quite the opposite actually. All I can say is that he’ll probably die a miserable fucking guy. With a lot of expensive cars. Guy doesn’t sleep well at night. He is constantly living in his movie world.

It doesn’t interest me to die like this. I’d like to make movies that people enjoy watching or that I can bring a little escape for people. I think we work too hard in our daily life to suffer through movies that reflect the misery in life. I think it’s a bit too easy to make people feel shitty. Hard to cheer people up. I’m terrible at comedy. But if I ever had to make a movie about escapism, it would be really cool. In fact, I’d love to do something sci-fi. Except good sci-fi ideas are taken. Or I’m too dumb to realize the “sci-” part. I’d like to live either in the past or in the future. The present is too boring. I’m bored as I wrote that.

I think this sobriety thing has made constantly agitated and off kilter. Sometimes I feel like I need to make up for lost time. More than anything…I feel like I should do SOMETHING. I don’t wanna die knowing I didn’t do everything in life I wanted to. But I’m also very intestinally weak. Literally, my gut hurts. And I constantly feel queasy. Sure it’s too much coffee. But, it’s debilitating. And I sometimes smack myself and say “get it together man!!” Because my body seems to be turning on me. And I can’t stand that.

I wish I had the energy and drive I had when I was in my 20’s. I should’ve done more.