Not the models. Or the people. It's the stuff that's in your own mind. The stuff that makes you second guess every bit of your skill and tastes. The stuff that really keeps you awake at night wondering "why?"
In general, photographing people is a good time. Especially if you can collaborate on a concept with your talent. For me, recently, it's been trying to recreate "era" photos. Pinup. Vintage stuff. I've been fascinated with the 1940's & 50's as a kid. I think because my parents had an English language learning book from that era. It was very bizarre to grow up in the 80's knowing what galoshes were. Meanwhile, kids were referring to them as rain boots.
So we flush out an idea. Rough sketch. Study poses. The "look." And then we have the shoot. Because my clientele now is relatively new, there is direction I have to give them. To which, it may have been beneficial to know what it meant like to be on the other side of the camera. Unfortunately, I have a stupid ugly fucking face, so I can only relate to it in terms of shots I've already seen. Ot stuff I think looks good and flatters their body. Which is easier said then done. It does bewilder me when you think you have it in your mind how someone will look in a pose but then when you see it thru the camera, it's so off-based it destroys your initial concept. This happens more times than I'd like to think about. Especially difficult when you have to project to your model that all things are going well.
Models are really insecure. Why shouldn't they be? In the days of the cruel cruel internet, a bad photo can send some off the nearest bridge. Well, in my case, I try to "protect" the image to the best of my ability. Which comes down to why I say it's sometimes painful to photograph women.
Once a shoot is done. You are alone. The kinetic give and take and rush of finding the right light, the right angle and play is over. There it is...complete silence. When I process my own black and white film, it's the excitement of getting that roll into the tank to process. I open a beer, go to my bathroom and process film. It's relaxing.
In color, I sit the rolls down and just stare into space. I replay a lot of the shoot. Often times I try to "feel" which shot looked great in my mind. And which ones I cringe at. I sicken myself with this game, because there's too much silence. To offset this, recently, I've taken back up with playing XBOX games. Usually long puzzle solving games that require I force my brain into some other world. It's a really great distraction.
Thank god for NFL football Sunday too.
Come Monday, I drop the film off at the lab. The feeling is a mixed bag. Anything can happen at this point. It's out of my hands. This is exciting as well. Since, all I do is wait. I twiddle my thumbs and try to drive the thought of the shoot from my mind. I know some shooters who would force themselves into a different project. Move on and up. Setting up for the next shoot. Me...I get too wrapped up. I get giddy to present the image to the model.
When I get the neg back, I rush back home to scan. This part of it makes me unbearably happy. I can see an image on the negative. That's a plus so far. Then I warm up my scanner and start to scan...one by one. The images start to appear.
This is a point in which you either want to text/call your model and burst out that you got the results you wanted, or you want to drive off the nearest bridge, preferably engulfed in napalm.
Let's say it's the prior. Each image populates into your library. I get happy. I can see potential. I have some 80's sitcom playing in the background, so I have noise to drown out the doubt sometimes playing in my head.
Once it's in the bins, there comes the terrible task of whittling down your images. This is so painful, it may've been invented by the Marquis De Sade. Oh wait, that was sexy painful. I mean...just gut wrenching, since I've now gotten to a point where I don't just ignore...I delete. This very specific act, tells me...we may revisit the image, but it's going to take a lot. So once it's in the trash, it's more than likely gone. This decision is not taken lightly.
When I gruesomely go down to the finalist, like some game show about talent, that's when I start my film cleaning. This involves going into a photo editor and dust busting. Scratches, hairs and blemishes. Fine tuning the imperfections but also leaving some to maintain honesty.
This takes a while. A while...a lot of booze and more 80's sitcoms.
When this is done, it's now the time to fine tune the color.
Coloring is when you really get to see the fruits of your labor come together. For me anyway. Most people would rather dump this to a re-toucher. Maybe I should. But, I have preset looks that my images tend to have. And I lean on them. Is it cheating? Kinda of. Imagine if I didn't tell anyone, no one would ever know. But I also go in and fine tune. This is a little painful since I do have an idea of what I want, but often the changes aren't big, they're miniscule.
This process takes some time. Mostly for self-flagellation. I get really punchy during this time. Never happy. Looking deep into areas that people would never notice. The real insanity kicks in when you stare at an image so long, you end up hating that person for making you this way. Which, in reality, they have NO clue what you're going through. And it's all in your twisted mind that people will even give a shit. Remember that scene in "Carrie"...the "they're-all-gonna-laugh-at-you" scene. It's not far off.
So once you get your images colored, and you've kept insanity at bay. It's the time when you actually present it to the client/model.
You sit on pins, waiting for approval. These are people who have an idea of what you've done, but, like trying to describe entertainment business to your folks, they really don't know until they've seen it.
I'll be honest with you. This is the best part of the process. Mostly because you felt like you've just taken the world's most satisfying dump...but you've also proven to the model/talent, you're not an complete idiot. The reaction is usually what's most worthwhile. The feeling of having an idea, and exceeding the expectations. I think there are a LOT of shooters out there that can relate. And they can pay you any amount, but nothing is more complete as being recognized as creating something from nothing.
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