Lately I've been thinking about my past relationship. She was a long term I had met in college. She recently just had another child. Meanwhile, I could barely hold onto the one I had. I don't speak much about it publicly. I think it's probably whiny and angry. But...as with much of the internet, I use it to find past crushes and loves.
So, I did locate another girl I use to have a major infatuation with. She is now married with a husband and child and a nice home. At least it looks nice on Facebook. Typical stalker garbage, I suppose. It's funny how the people you would never suspect of getting married gets married. They either settle or I think they relegate themselves to a "normal" life. I knew them as total fuck ups. Like me. Difference is, they moved on...I didn't.
There is a level of resentment I have for them. I think by them moving on, they think they're better than me. I think they are better than me. Or they chose someone they thought was better than me, and that's total garbage...until it really hits the ego and reminds me, I am the thorn in their side. The regret they probably share with their significant other. Or they don't even think of my stupid ass as much as I think of them. I guess when you don't have immediate family to deal with, or a relationship, you will conjure up stupid thoughts. Meanwhile, they're living their domestic life.
My understanding is that NO ONE is happy. They present themselves positively. But, I'm not so sure. I think we all wish we were all as happy and awesome as our social media outlet would allow. I think we're all different levels of miserable. There are bright moments in happiness, of course. Weddings, births...funerals. But how long does this drag out until you realize you will die alone. And whether or not the people who share your biology will be there to amuse you while you pop thorazine is up for debate.
My nephew and niece cause a lot of grief for my sister. But I think the moments of joy come from their happiness. I find that I am a family person, at heart, but if I were to use my brain...I know my life should not be shared by anyone else.
I think I caught lighting in a bottle when I was with my college girlfriend. Or at least that moment in time was joyful for me. It seems there's been some attempt on my part to re-capture that "joy." I can't sense it, but I believe it was a good time. The grownups have learned to find joy elsewhere. It's definitely not the past. I know to reach back that far...feelings. And, it seems so does your influence on other people. To that, I say to myself "grow the fuck up!" I want to start my own business. I want to do what I love to do. What is it that holds me back except stupid fear. I've no responsibility. I've no recourse. I've been anchored by my own bullshit. And if you understand what I'm saying, I suggest you get busy with life too.
I think I live in bittersweet melancholy. My dad once said, only people without kids and a family can live like that. The rest of you are too busy existing and experiencing life. Generally speaking, all these so-called memories are so temporary and fleeting...seems futile. I guess in the meantime, I can enjoy the mystery of hot loose women of Los Angeles. Just have to grow up first though.
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