Being NOT Drunk Sucks

I really love drinking beer while I work on my photography portfolio. Unfortunately, I think...sometimes I get too wasted and just destroy my own work. In fact, I get so upset by things I coulda/woulda/shoulda done I rip my guts out until I drink more. This is an insane cycle I'm trying to break, since I see my work with all mistakes, whilst people see it with more forgiving eyes.

I have this terrible habit of making comparisons in my work. I'm not better than my heroes. Then it hit me...if I were better than my heroes (or even on par) would they even be my heroes anymore? Of course not. That's why we have heroes. Someone to aspire to. I think most "artists" are like me. Very brutal with their own work. They tear it apart and refuse to present it to the world for critique. Any hurtful comments could lead to driving to the nearest cliff and hitting the accelerator.

I think this is unfair of us. What's even more unfair. It'll never change. Part of why we become better or put our work above others, is to go thru this unbearable mess of emotions. Why else would our work be considered on a different plane. Because it'll NEVER be good enough. It's like a Chinese mother wrapped in a Jewish mother's blanket.

I've tried many times to convince myself that the work is great. It's not going to get better, only to be thwarted by a nagging thought that it can always be better.

My friend James had a great story about a neighbor that spent three days holed up in his apartment touching up a photo of a celebrity. When he was done, he presented it to him that an art opening. See...we need validation. The saddest type too. From ANYONE that isn't a douchey too-cool-for-school non-industry person. I LOVE my Flickr page, because I see pedestrians learning their craft. Meanwhile, my work gets so many compliments. And confusion as to why I would present my work in such a shoddy website. The truth is, I like the validation. I get to say stupid things like "well, it takes a lot of work and passion to develop your own look." Meanwhile, I can barely stomach all the stupid mistakes of the image. Because, atop ALL of this b.s. we also compare ourselves to the BEST image makers in the world. So, not only do we seek approval from the general public, we bristle at the success of professionals. How fucked up is that?

This saddens me. I use to think it was just me. I'm not so sure anymore. I met another photographer who shared the same thoughts. I think if you can live with contentment of your work, you may be a sociopath.

And you wonder why staying drunk as I work on images is the best way to stave off insanity.