Being NOT Drunk Sucks

I really love drinking beer while I work on my photography portfolio. Unfortunately, I think...sometimes I get too wasted and just destroy my own work. In fact, I get so upset by things I coulda/woulda/shoulda done I rip my guts out until I drink more. This is an insane cycle I'm trying to break, since I see my work with all mistakes, whilst people see it with more forgiving eyes.

I have this terrible habit of making comparisons in my work. I'm not better than my heroes. Then it hit me...if I were better than my heroes (or even on par) would they even be my heroes anymore? Of course not. That's why we have heroes. Someone to aspire to. I think most "artists" are like me. Very brutal with their own work. They tear it apart and refuse to present it to the world for critique. Any hurtful comments could lead to driving to the nearest cliff and hitting the accelerator.

I think this is unfair of us. What's even more unfair. It'll never change. Part of why we become better or put our work above others, is to go thru this unbearable mess of emotions. Why else would our work be considered on a different plane. Because it'll NEVER be good enough. It's like a Chinese mother wrapped in a Jewish mother's blanket.

I've tried many times to convince myself that the work is great. It's not going to get better, only to be thwarted by a nagging thought that it can always be better.

My friend James had a great story about a neighbor that spent three days holed up in his apartment touching up a photo of a celebrity. When he was done, he presented it to him that an art opening. See...we need validation. The saddest type too. From ANYONE that isn't a douchey too-cool-for-school non-industry person. I LOVE my Flickr page, because I see pedestrians learning their craft. Meanwhile, my work gets so many compliments. And confusion as to why I would present my work in such a shoddy website. The truth is, I like the validation. I get to say stupid things like "well, it takes a lot of work and passion to develop your own look." Meanwhile, I can barely stomach all the stupid mistakes of the image. Because, atop ALL of this b.s. we also compare ourselves to the BEST image makers in the world. So, not only do we seek approval from the general public, we bristle at the success of professionals. How fucked up is that?

This saddens me. I use to think it was just me. I'm not so sure anymore. I met another photographer who shared the same thoughts. I think if you can live with contentment of your work, you may be a sociopath.

And you wonder why staying drunk as I work on images is the best way to stave off insanity.

Grow The F&*k Up

Lately I've been thinking about my past relationship. She was a long term I had met in college. She recently just had another child. Meanwhile, I could barely hold onto the one I had. I don't speak much about it publicly. I think it's probably whiny and angry. But...as with much of the internet, I use it to find past crushes and loves.

So, I did locate another girl I use to have a major infatuation with. She is now married with a husband and child and a nice home. At least it looks nice on Facebook. Typical stalker garbage, I suppose. It's funny how the people you would never suspect of getting married gets married. They either settle or I think they relegate themselves to a "normal" life. I knew them as total fuck ups. Like me. Difference is, they moved on...I didn't.

There is a level of resentment I have for them. I think by them moving on, they think they're better than me. I think they are better than me. Or they chose someone they thought was better than me, and that's total garbage...until it really hits the ego and reminds me, I am the thorn in their side. The regret they probably share with their significant other. Or they don't even think of my stupid ass as much as I think of them. I guess when you don't have immediate family to deal with, or a relationship, you will conjure up stupid thoughts. Meanwhile, they're living their domestic life.

My understanding is that NO ONE is happy. They present themselves positively. But, I'm not so sure. I think we all wish we were all as happy and awesome as our social media outlet would allow. I think we're all different levels of miserable. There are bright moments in happiness, of course. Weddings, births...funerals. But how long does this drag out until you realize you will die alone. And whether or not the people who share your biology will be there to amuse you while you pop thorazine is up for debate.

My nephew and niece cause a lot of grief for my sister. But I think the moments of joy come from their happiness. I find that I am a family person, at heart, but if I were to use my brain...I know my life should not be shared by anyone else.

I think I caught lighting in a bottle when I was with my college girlfriend. Or at least that moment in time was joyful for me. It seems there's been some attempt on my part to re-capture that "joy." I can't sense it, but I believe it was a good time. The grownups have learned to find joy elsewhere. It's definitely not the past. I know to reach back that far...feelings. And, it seems so does your influence on other people. To that, I say to myself "grow the fuck up!" I want to start my own business. I want to do what I love to do. What is it that holds me back except stupid fear. I've no responsibility. I've no recourse. I've been anchored by my own bullshit. And if you understand what I'm saying, I suggest you get busy with life too.

I think I live in bittersweet melancholy. My dad once said, only people without kids and a family can live like that. The rest of you are too busy existing and experiencing life. Generally speaking, all these so-called memories are so temporary and fleeting...seems futile. I guess in the meantime, I can enjoy the mystery of hot loose women of Los Angeles. Just have to grow up first though.