The Grudge

My eldest sister carries grudges. Not just any grudge. We're talking years. And she's openly proud that she can dismiss people out of her life forever, if need be. I don't wanna be like that.

I think a lot of us consider grudges sort of childish. Growing up in a tough poor neighborhood, we dealt with a lot of racism. I fought every day with black kids at my school. Getting beaten on a regular basis by ANY ethnicity could forge into your brain a sense of dread of that particular race. I, myself, have certain prejudices that come with having fought my way through 2nd grade (before my parents had had enough and moved us to the suburbs). Sometimes I catch myself with my anger towards the black race. It's ridiculous since one of my closest friends out here is a black guy. In fact, the only one I have had contact with on a regular basis, which INCLUDES even my closest high school friends. Do I carry a grudge against blacks. I'm not sure. I think there is a type that just gets under my skin. The type that walks around with a chip on their shoulder and can't let things go. Specially because American history has been so ruthless to blacks. I feel a level of empathy for their cause. Oppression and the underdog will always be the side to root for, in my case. Since I've always been the underdog.

The other day, at a bar, I got into an altercation with a black guy. Total thug. Mouthy. Loud and obnoxious (kinda like yours truly). But this guy called me out and wanted to box me outside the bar. I declined. I'm much too old with too much responsibility to deal with jail time. And in these cases NO ONE wins. Afterwards, I extended my friendship to him. He waved me off. Then proceeded to pretend like I didn't even exist as I was attempting a friendship. As I was raised to do. If you can't be the enemy you might as well be incahoots. He couldn't drop the fact that we'd had an argument. His pride was injured. As was mine. But I refuse to let those things get in the way of humanity. Not he. He made it a point to make it clear we weren't going to be sharing football tales anytime soon. And you know what?...at first I was pissed and wanted to take him up on the fight offer afterall. But then I realize, this is a guy who will (unless he sees the errors of his ways) be an angry guy who lets him emotions guide his intellect. In the world that we live in common sense is the more productive angle. Although, we run on knee jerk reactions.

I was incensed that he didn't want my friendship. Which is fine. He can go away angry and share an opinion about me or my whole race in general, since it is the first thing we see. But he has to live with that. He has to go home with this much built up anger and deal with his wife and kids. Me, I choose to forgive him. Does that make me a better person? No, it just makes it okay for me to move on and let his life go in whatever direction that deep seeded anger will take him. Statistically...probably not in a positive incline.

Which brings me back to my eldest sister. I don't think she's a racist. But she's experienced things through the late 1970s that probably etched in her mind her disgust for the black community. Out here in Los Angeles, blacks are so diverse, you can't make blanket statements as she's made in Cincinnati. There, it's a culture of attitude. From looking on the outside in now, I can see how Cincy police have been laying it hard on the black culture for so long. Blacks, in that community, seem to have a sense of resentment to any other race that has gotten beyond the long arm of the law. Historically speaking, blacks have never gotten a fair shake in that city. AND there's no plan to even think about changing certain mindsets. And that resentment continues to seethe. Out of all American cities, a race riot (another one) in that town is imminent. Just a matter of time.

Blacks have the same grudges my sister has. They'll be really polite (as my sister will be) but deep down inside, they're hateful and resentful and petty. Which is why I don't feel she's had upward mobility in life. Grudges and resentment stunt your emotional growth.

My sister still refuses to deal with my Dad's old business partner's family. His partner died years ago, and she refused to go to his funeral. Because she felt slighted one time, a long time ago. It wasn't so much she should've gone to respect our parent's wishes. It was that it was just the human thing to do. And, if anything, bury your anger and disgust with the person. I mean, to me...I'd want to go just to make sure the cock knocker was dead. But even that would lay to rest resentment. She choose to make a stand (to whom, I have no idea). Give them an ol' snoot of her absence. As if people would even notice. She just didn't want to bother.

I seriously have to get off this path myself. And I'm making an effort. Because I really envy the people who have just let bygones by bygones and can live happily ever after. I worry my sister will build up such a stone of hate or resentment that she passes away old and angry.

So my message to everyone who lives with this, learn to forgive and forget. Don't let that base emotion contour your life into something worse. The best thing to do is to live life to the fullest with as little possible pain as possible. I think it's worth it.