The Beautiful People Grocery Store

You think it doesn't exist. But I found it out here in Los Angeles. It's not like it was a big secret. It's just that I remember when my Mom came out to visit one time we went there and she said I shouldn't go back since the prices were outrageous. She gauges everything by their fruit prices. So as far as I know, everything else in this store may have been a third of the price, but you may have to put a papaya on layaway (only poor people know what this means).

I'm talking about Whole Foods.

Twenty minutes earlier...
...I texted a friend to ask her what would be a good application for my face since I had scars on my cheeks. She suggested I get calendula. Didn't know it was a root from a plant. If it would make these pits disappear it could be nut sweat from a yak. She suggested Whole Foods. The mythical over-priced natural foods boogety-woogety yuppie fruitstand market once mentioned by my dear Ma-ma.

So I leave my place in run into my neighbor John. John is a good cat. A little on the bizarre conspiracy side. And I like to mess with him by being a smart aleck to his theories. My tactic is to play along with his ideas but throw in a stupid statement to illustrate his wild ideas. John: "Dude...there has never been a man on the moon" Me: "Then how did they get the cheese back?"

That would irritate the crap out of me, so I thought it'd be fun to unleash on someone else. As I was passing by I asked if he needed anything from the store. I was going to venture out to Whole Foods. He told me that I should dress up since every time he visits, he always runs into hotties. Alright...first it's 9PM on a Monday. Labor Day, no less. I glibly reply "I am dressed up, I got pants on, don't I?" He shrugged. My funeral.

I drive a few blocks down the road (instead of walk, since this is L.A. might as well go all out douche). And arrive in the parking lot. So far so good. Cantaloupe sitting outside the market fairly priced. It starts to dawn on me that my shorts don't necessarily cover it at this store. Nope. The thing is, there are plenty of people with shorts on. However, none don't carry a week of chili-cheese fries stain and Weinersnitzel mustard. Classy pressed, dry cleaned people walked around. This is 9PM mind you and people are on their patio reading. Honest to good books! I try not to read after the sun sets. I value autumn and winter so much for this reason. Short terms of sunlight. I am in some sort of yuppie mecca. Hostile territory.

As I enter, the smell of food rushes to my brain. Cooking food doesn't smell this fragrant at 9PM. I can feel this has been coordinated properly to ensure saturation of the Whole Foods vibe. Now I came for scar gel, I was staying for exploration.

You ever go into a different city and see products that kinda' resemble something you knew from a poorer neighborhood? Like you see a box of Twinkies, but at this store they have Egg Creme Sponge Cake? Yeah, the price reflects that. My barometer of a store is two things. One...their sunflower seeds. They sold seeds for 50 cents higher than the larger market. Strike one. The second thing is shrimp. We live next to the friggin ocean. Why charge $16.99 a pound?...it 'aint Prada prawns. Then I look around a see why...

..The beautiful people. So many and in every aisle and every crevice of the store. I was dumbstruck by the well groomed, perfect teeth and hygenic quality everyone had. My cheap Speed Stick and worn out shoes must've made 'em think I was homeless. Yeah, where ya' bleeding hearts now? Even the people working there looked like they stepped off a designer magazine. The checkout kids looked well-coiffed. Pleasant and the perfect mix of helpful but not overbearing. Trained like that, I bet.

Now I feel I'm getting punked. There was a female bodybuilder roaming up and down the rows like if she didn't find what she was after, she was going to hulk out on everyone. But, she was stunning even in her impatience. And...strangely enough, she as also pleasant excusing herself as she passed in front of me. I was in front of the ointments and gel. I guess she may have thought my issue was more pressing than her. Anti-itching butt cream was within reach, who is she to deny me access?

Anyways, this store pisses me off. Mostly because I couldn't decide whether or not the place came with beautiful people or that they became beautiful after they started shopping there. Or may maybe I was set up by the friend I texted. Or maybe my Mom was steering me clear of lifelong disappointment. Just so many questions.

I found my gel. I asked a guy who had to be named Sven or Thor where this calendula was. He knew immediately. Like maybe he was waiting for me to ask him where the ugly gel was. Didn't realize it was common knowledge. I could barely pronounce the name.

I took my gel, facial scars on my mind and hightailed it out of there, hoping no one calls the Plain Police. Yeah...at the Beautiful People grocery store, they 'aint plain clothes fuzz.