You'll Be Fine

I remember my first film I made out here in Hollywood. It was a film school assignment where we had to tell a story with no dialogue. Only images. I remember we shot on an Arri-S camera and it was the first time I was using upgraded gear from what I was use to being a transplant from Ohio. The Arri-S is a great starter camera from those who just want to shoot 16mm. To me, each roll was precious. Each image had to be perfect. I was so broke at the time, we decided to shoot in my apartment. So I wrote to suit that need. BUT I also wanted to be abnormal, so I decided to shoot on reveral film stock. Because I was a massive fan of a movie called "Clockers" I studied that film until my eyes and brain bled. However, I am no Malik Hassan Sayeed. He should be more well known, by the way. Any way, stop me if you've heard this story before, I also had to cast the movie. We did so through an publication called "Backstage West" My film school friend (to this day) had put out an add for his film and got a ton of actors submitting. He ended up casting a guy for his student film. And, for some odd lazy reason, I ended up just offering this guy the role in my short film. The night before I was so nervous with things running through my head. The images of the film I wanted to make. The bits and pieces I needed to cover. Being a nervous, anxiety riddled person at this age, I couldn't sleep. The morning came of the shoot. My roommate Ed, was a nice dude who just wanted to help (still is). We came out from Ohio together and we both cut our teeth on the old ways of doing things. The actor showed up... ...with his dog. My brain near exploded. I felt like a gut punch, thinking what in the hell are we going to put a dog in a small area. It was of no surprise when "actor" would check in on his dog as he was gracing us with his presence during the shoot (I'd give you guys the name of this shithead if I could remember it). The actress in my short was my friend Cat. She wasn't really an actress but always game to do something. She'd come out to desert with us a few years later to make another film. I digress...the shoot was grueling. The actor was obviously distracted by his dog. Was distracted in general. I'm not entirely sure why he was giving me such a hard time, other than he was having a bad life. Miserable people just make others miserable. The first day of shoot was done, and I was exhausted. Sick to my stomach that I did not want to spend another second with this "actor." I actually thought to myself if I ever see this fuckface again, I'd punch him in the face. I went to bed and never wanted to go to set (the set was our apartment, in case you forgot). I wanted to pull the plug and let it die. And wish the actor would also cancel himself. My roommate had to drag me to finish it. God Bless you Ed. Because Ed hated this tool as well. In fact, in a scene in movie he got to pretend to strangle him. Ed took great pleasure in Method acting it. Of course "Actor" whined. It was awesome. My point being, ever film shoot is one big disappointment. On every stage of the actual making. It's not a bad thing to say this. It's just to brace yourself for having your neurosis rise to the top. Try not to. I was on a shoot yesterday that I can tell the director was overwhelmed. Had to talk him from the ledge. The thing is...this type of activity isn't for everyone. It involves a great deal of focus and piecing things in your head while a clock ticks. The ones who don't survive are the ones that want it to be easy. Or are lazy. Or let the system overwhelm you. On every level, you are moving a big slow machine. Pushing a car uphill. It slips...occasionally. If you intend to be a filmmaker, you allow these things to function within your project but not overtake it. There are so many factors that go into why a project is good or not. NONE of it is to risk your health or life. The pressure people put on themselves to break out is heartbreaking sometimes. I'm not saying my goals should never be your own. But, boy do I love the freedom. If offers no financial viability. But then again, does pursuing the path you go offer the same? You may as well have a little fun. Now, I'm not saying be so reckless and dumb with your project. I'm saying, allow the important things of finishing the project overtake your need for control. Many people sabotage themselves before they even begin. Because they surround themselves with shitty people. You'll be fine. Here's the flick: https://vimeo.com/manage/videos/231870367