Practice What I Preached

I drove through Burbank dropping a friend off after a show in North Hollywood.
I was pulled over by a cop. A large Black cop (I mention this strictly to allow you to decide where your position is on this)

I found a side street and pulled in. Fuck! It's midnight, and I'm tired.
Had to open the door since my window is jammed.
"Evening, you have a license and registration, proof of insurance?
"Yes sir"
I dig up all three. Meanwhile...
"Where you going?"
"I just dropped off a friend"
"Where are you going?"
"Van Nuys"
"Uh-huh."
"Sorry, about pulling up to the side street, it's all I could find."
"Thomas, you had anything to drink tonight?" I was in kindergarten again.
"No, sir!" About to blurt out I haven't had a drink in over a year.
"Uh-huh"
He was writing something down.
He handed me back all my i.d.
"You drive safe now, Thomas"
And I was on my way.
Yeah, it sucks. Being polite and keeping it lean made the experience friendly. I can see where people would get nervous. Police are trained to spot all bad things. Or potential bad things. Don't waste your time with the stupid stuff.

"Aloha" (2015)

I’m not sure what the controversy was. It could be a list of things.

When Sony was hacked, an email from Amy Pascal badmouthed it.

Although, in a state where the majority of people are of Hawaiian/Asian descent, there is but a handful of Islander faces. In fact, Emma Stone plays a person named Ng (pronounced “ing”). She explains in the movie that she is quarter Chinese, quarter Hawaiian and 50 percent Swedish. Quirky or downright odd? You be the judge.

There was no official press screening.

This has been in some limbo since 2012 (that was three years ago). To be fair, and for some odd reason, Crowe movies seem to languish in the void. I recall “We Made A Zoo” just float on the tongues of everyone, until it finally got finished.

I drove by the billboard for this movie on my way to work off Highland and assumed it was a new television show. Then I read the credits…which listed Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone, Rachel McAdams, John Krasinski, Alec Baldwin and Bill Murray. To which I was amazed, until I saw it was directed by Cameron Crowe.

There’s something about Crowe’s movies that are really…well, every line people say seem to have importance. I’m not sure why, but I think I suffer from the same affectation. That every piece of dialogue comes off as a fortune cookie. A sage speaking the words from above. It’s no different in this movie.

I really think it’s a grotesquely panned movie. It’s not as bad as critics are saying. I think there are enough good things to watch. The plot is zany and odd. But whatever, we’ve been placed in some mythical spiritual Hawaiian lore that dips into the culture, but not fully explains. It feels completely like bits and pieces that all would make interesting movies. Personally, plucky and bug-eyed Stone tried her hardest. She put a lot of effort into it, even though, it seemed like most of the time she was lost to the story. The lines poured zippy past her lips fast enough as a rebirth of a Katherine Hepburn. Bradley Cooper is up and down. I blame the dialogue he was given. He zigs when you feel he should zag. His laid back “Hangover” personae is too overwhelming and he’s too handsome for this character that clearly should’ve been more schlubby. But they’re both amiable enough not to completely piss you off. Bill Murray makes more or less a cameo. I think he’s suppose to be a Richard Branson, but can’t shake his likeability even though he is supposedly the bad guy.

The scenery is…well, it’s Hawaii. And it’s on film. It’s absolutely beautiful. It seems like it is land I’ve not seen before. The ones owned by the U.S. military and functions strictly for the “white faces.” I have no issues with it being completely white washed. Though, did they have to have STUNNINGLY beautiful people. I think I’m on this kick now where I prefer real looking people. Crowe seems to live in the world of the 50’s movie stars. Lit like the old days as well. Just traditional beauty.The character actors today get so lost.

Fuck You "The Edison"

The Edison is a hoity toity fucking bar in downtown Los Angeles. My friend's birthday party was held there. And I was turned away due to a dress code of no tennis shoes. I stood at the far line, watching others being turned away. Consoling each other about the really stupid practice of adult dress up. Yeah, half the fucks in there don't make what I make, but because I can dig up a Goodwill pants and suit, I'm now seen as their clientele. Fuck you. I hope you go out of business with your stupid policy. NOT because it's just turning me away from it, the principle is that a business is in business to get business. To me, that is the core problem of Los Angeles. It still thinks it's the hot blonde that can get young studs. You're a broken down hag who thinks it has a say in what the rest of the country is doing. They don't give a flying fuck about you shit-apes who think you're still prom queen.

You know how pathetic it is? We're broke and in a drought. Where do you think we're getting money from? Yes, billionaires from foreign markets. Ever run into that woman who uses her husband's influence to lord it over you? Kick them in the fucking cunt.

Anyway, downtown seems to be emptying out now. Once again, Los Angeles has FUCKED UP, what could've been awesome. Just by being cool to human beings. And I'm not talking about hipster cool, because those people can suck a fat dick. I'm talking about just being a human being.

A Few Thoughts On Starting Out Making Movies

In the old days a short film showed people what you can do, in terms of the skill of making a movie. A few names that come to mind that started with tiny movies that became big directors are Martin Scorsese, Francis Ford Coppola, George Lucas and the more contemporary Rian Johnson,  Colin Travarrow, James Wan, Christopher Nolan and even J.J. Abrams. J.J. bridged the gap since he was also a writer. Actually started as a writer. Same as M. Night Shamalan. Writing is the only way you’re going to get to ride with the big dogs. Short films no longer have that appeal anymore. If you write a feature script, you should have five ready to go. Don’t let me warn you again about film school classmates who got tangled in ZERO material.

A recent example were a few filmmaking co-workers I knew a while back. Nice brothers who put together a great short movie. They were REALLY nice. The kind of nice that if you spent too much time in Los Angeles, you think they were fucking with you. Their kindness, I’ve experienced, does come off as phony. But they genuinely really nice guys.

Anyway, as far as no-budget movies go, it was staggering what they were able to do with so little. This gained a ton of notice. The fact that these two also attended USC, a networking behemoth in the Hollywood world, didn’t hurt their chances either. Their movie got screened repeatedly. Pretty much everywhere they entered. I thought it was a solid short. When it came time for their next project, a crowdfunding project to gather money to make a project, they came with a solid pitch. One brother introduced it on a video made to sell the idea. The sales pitch was stellar, though the concept was a little high, I thought that there was nothing these two couldn’t do. I was sold. But I had a falling out with one of them, and wasn’t even informed of this until after the fact. That was best for everyone.

They needed $50,000. A tiny sum for a movie. They collected a total of $2,000. Yes. 2K. You couldn’t even take that money to Tiajuana for a weekend. That was from friends and families and well-wishers.

I guess you could gather a few thoughts from this. I KNOW for a fact these two had the skills and the resourcefulness to make another excellent project. Most likely propel them to the next level. This means people are full of shit. Even the people who care about you the most. When the rubber met the road, everyone balked. A simple donation of a few dollars was all it took. Nope. Nothing. People either didn’t like their projects, hated that they would move up the rung, or blew smoke up their asses about the previous project. I wonder if some even took the time to watch it (which judging by the screening I went to, it was a hit).

This could also mean the total resentment in two very talented kids who people held in a great deal of regard. Unfortunately, this business is all about return on investment. And if it’s a passion project, forget it. It rarely happens. But feel free to try. What I learned from this is that people are full of absolute shit. And I can’t blame them. Being in movies is living in a constant dream. It would take a serious asshole to burst their bubble. Instead, they fill their heads full of confidence. Even though they had good product, there were few who REALLY gave them the low down of pandering to the masses. Bummer stories do not pander to the masses.  Their stories have sadness.You get the opportunity to do those when it comes out of your own projects. I really hope it doesn’t sound like gloating, since it’s more about getting a project made despite the odds. Albert Brooks mentioned it one time about how if you really want to hold onto your dignity, you’ll make nickels and dimes and NEVER shill for the studio, because that system chews so many people up. Since the ones that care swim upstream (idiots!). I certainly hope a set back of money isn’t so discouraging to them, as talented people should find a niche.

For my own project, I feel sometimes I should risk more. I don’t. But I like making movies against what people think I should make. Granted I don’t have the money to make more than one short at a time, I’m still afforded the production at a certain leisure.

What’s interesting is that filmmakers like Michael Mann or Ridley Scott seemed to have fallen into this same category. They have studio money, with a studio schedule. A little contradictory to Albert Brooks, but…if your movies made over a billion dollars and countless Oscars, I think you’re afforded a little time. But, that they take their sweet time polishing it to their satisfaction. Mann does SO many different edits of his movies, he destroys assistant editors. I think, to him, he may not want the process to end. He may not have the next opportunity. The complete product is heartbreaking. You give your baby to world for others to beat up. And it needs to stand on its own. It’s grueling. And nerve wracking. Since no one thinks someone else’s baby is more beautiful than their own. You have to understand, this journey that began (on average) a year ago, is coming to an end. Good or bad, there is great sadness in it. It means moving on, despite the small things about it that drive you nuts. In our disposable society now, things like Vine videos for instance, moments are enough. Then it goes into the ether.

One thing that has really irked me lately, are the friends I have who aren’t hustling alongside me in Hollywood. A few film school friends who seem to have all the answers but refuse to throw their hat into the ring. Yet, they have THE MOST to say. I think most are too old to suffer mental breakdowns at this stage of their life. Or sacrifice the tiny grasp of normalcy in their families. They’re quitters as far as I’m concern. And frankly, if their not in the mix, they’ll never understand, despite all the well wishing and bull-plop their opinion may be. Get in to the fight or shut the fuck up. It’s fucking hard to do this.

Perhaps these are the folks who will champion you at the public events but quietly, when the tipping basket is passed, they will put in lint. But again, these are the risks that are free.

Baltimore: What Do You Want?

Not sure what to say...murder rate has gone up since police have made their presence "less known" in that town. Victim 37 & 38 of this month was a grandma and a child. 38 murders in a month. That's sickening. Now comes the griping. Too much police is now...NOT enough police. What happens? There is no law that will uphold the people who claim police are the problems. Now, common sense dictates that if we were given a reprieve from these "oppressive militarized soldiers of law" one who attempt to make it seem like they can function without these oppressors. It would send a message to people that maybe there was too much policing. Instead, it's gotten worse. What the FUCK do you want, Baltimore?! Get your shit together or get out, because right now it's damn if they do, damned if they don't.

I remember when I was a kid, I'd be taking a bath (reluctantly, of course) and my Mom would tell me it was time to get out. I'd bitch, moan and cry. Guess what she did? She left me in there until I was done bitch, moaning and crying. Did it improve my position in life? Fuck no. I was a pruned up kid just insolent to her authority. Fuck me if I drown. I learned a lesson that day. Holding my breath until someone in authority does something in your favor is fruitless. In fact, you will embarrass yourself.

This fucking town better start to ask themselves who they want deciding what goes on, in the shadow of it's society. Because, honestly, you're all dangerously close to having your own war. And the rest of the country will gladly watch you sit in a tub sulking.

Paul Mecurio on Dr. Drew's Podcast

If you've ever questioned your lot in life, listen to the 2nd part of the interview with Paul Mecurio. It's an inspiring tale of how you follow what your instincts tell you to become something more than you thought you could imagine. While in the worst doldrums of life, he stuck to what he felt was more to his life than just being a high priced lawyer. What struck me as the most inspiring is that there is a lot of steps backwards to move forwards, and I think this is a great lesson in how we, especially in creative endeavors, should approach life.

That Special Age

Once you arrive at a certain age, what I’ve noticed is that people start to get an appreciation for the experiences in life that eluded them when they were young. A mid-30’s person will pick up a book and quietly read in a park. That same person in their 20’s would more than likely not appreciate the solitude. I’m not completely sure why this is, but I find that there is a stillness that comes with age, where the simple sounds of just air passing by you, is enough to keep your brain active.

I think it also makes you much more receptive to learning new things. Not necessarily a physical new thing, but if someone happens to throw trivia your way, a younger cat would be dismissive, whereas a person older would find that piece of information something to ponder.

I thought of this when I heard a guy say that there is an classic axiom about artists, that the world will break your heart at least once. It is the burden of being creative. Now a younger version of myself would scoff. ”Touchy feely faggot shit!” says I. But now that I’m much older, I know what it means now. And appreciate the sentiment behind it. Because I’ve experienced so much disappointment. And have, in my own way, attempted reaching for the brass ring.

Unfortunately, entertainment likes fresh and new. Hell…that’s what everyone sees. Younger gathers much more attention (which isn’t true, since a person writing from hindsight has a lot more perspective). But that’s the perception. And in our business perception is reality. A guy who blusters on about his career in town, is building up credibility. Though so many people now, from even a few rung from the bottom (and still in the business) has stories.

I think it’s because our arrogance is drained out of us, when we hit a reality age. We know we aren’t the smartest, prettiest, talented person in the room. And I think we’re okay with that now.

Who You Run Into

At a recent party, I ran into a hefty Asian guy. He told me he was a director/writer...mostly a writer. He was very humble. Quiet. The other Asian guy at a Hollywood style party. He was brought there by his girlfriend who was in the movie. A guy who'd been raised in the midwest like me and now in Hollywood, working. He dressed like me too. Raggedy. Didn't give two fucks. He told me about the movie he was directing. A feature film. It blew my mind, since that is a crazy impossible feat in this town (if you've read my previous blog). They'd just wrapped shooting and he was grousing about how a partial financing of the movie meant that they had to deal with international people doing the post production work. That meant editorial, visual FX and sound design...in a different country, because of money breaks. To me, that was bush league, and must be a straight to video crap.

He left the party. A nice enough guy. We had that Asian thing going. Yep, another Asian working in the movie business. Pound it dawg. He said his goodbyes.

Out of curiosity, I looked him up. The feature he's finishing happens to have: Josh Duhamel, Julia Stiles. Makin Ackerman, Alice Eve, Anthony Hopkins AND...Al Pacino. This was his first feature directing gig.

Yep, I'm the asshole. What made it worse...prior to knowing the cast...he told me it was STILL a struggle to get it done financially in Hollywood. Think about it, if ONE of those names were to be in your project...that wouldn't be enough.

That's the new world we live in.

Memorial Day

I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend. You know, I write this blog because of a Constitutional right that I have to say stupid shit. I am very thankful this country allows this. More thankful that I can find like minds that would agree or people with dissenting opinion. I think we DO take free speech for granted. As we were raised in America, we don't realize there are parts of the world that this type of speech could lead to execution. Not that I condone muscling in on other people's country's politics, but I would think the citizens of those countries to be jealous of this.

Or angry. Or think we're a bunch of porno watching, dirt bags. To which, we could care less. Since they live in their own filth, and fear. A life should not be led like this. The Founding Fathers made it so that we can be who we are without infringing on others. And the soldiers defend our right to do so.

Not that any soldier fully understands this. Let's be frank, if we took a poll of soldiers in the U.S. military, we'd discover being a soldier is the best alternative for them. That's not a diss. I'm glad they've found a place that accepts their skill. And grateful that it's not me doing it. Though I'd probably be decent cannon fodder, I personally don't have a beef with a nation I can hardly comprehend. The logic side of me would ask too many questions, which is what an enlisted man should never do. I'd probably be fragged by my own platoon for being a smart ass fuck.

I don't have people in my family to memorialize in America. But I do appreciate service people who spend their day to day with even the threat of being shot at. To liberate people who don't even understand how great freedom is, is a pretty noble cause. I mean, it's a tough way to go, since you're not really getting assistance from the other side. I really dig being in America. It is the best country in the world.

The Wrap Party

The home was jammed into the crevice of a rough looking neighborhood in Van Nuys, California. It was but a few miles from my own place. I was invited to go by a friend who had worked on a short film. The film was a feminist lesbian movie. Period piece (no pun intended). The heavy gate was a hand rolled. The place was rough. Apartment complex on both sides of the place. Screaming babies, and Spanish the prevailing language.

We moved to the back of the house, next to the garage. That's when we saw the first young white face. The barbecue was in a back that opened into a rock garden. A fire pit it the corner. Frankly, this place looked more from the Midwest than the barrio of Los Angeles. I met the host, a peppy cute blonde. A sprite of a girl. You can tell she lost a TON of work to Kristin Bell. Her husband looked more like her brother. Both blonde haired, blue-eye Teutons. I introduced myself. Then quickly found the butchiest of lesbians to talk football. It was a good time. The Butchy Lesbian who was named Lynne was a Penn State fan. Which I didn't have the heart to dig into Paterno and his legacy. It being a sore subject to anyone from western to central Pennsylvania. I'm sure no one in Ohio likes to talk about Jefferey Dahmer being from there. In fact he went to Ohio State. Shhh...

Anyway, that's when Lynn pointed out that our host was from Cincinnati. Fuck yeah! She got really excited and talked endlessly about our town. I was really happy to hear the small things only fellow Cincinnatians knew. She'd gone to the mall that was the closest to my house.

She was 32 and an on air host for some show on Reelz. She was a ball of energy. And MAN, did she have a mouth. She talked about squirting pussies and foot fetishes. And how much she loved porn. Every sentence, even when not warranted had "fuck" in it. She'd been drinking and smoked some weed. Apparently there were some foreigners who, as a ruse, she decided she would fake that she was a porn star named "Sandy Pooles." Perfect, since she was a squirter. Even more appropriate since her husband felt her tits were too small. Fun bunch.

So I sat by the fire, and every once in a while I'd hear a screaming "Kenwood!" (which is the town I grew up in). It'd be her talking about the good ol' Cincy days. She lived in the outskirts farming town of Cincy. And you can tell, that state was too small to hold her energy. She was go-getter. An ambitious ball of energy that is sorely missing in the people of Los Angeles (maybe just me).

The wrap party was because she'd written a short film that was about 50's style suppression of sexual identity. To which I'd joke to my friend earlier...they sure picked a topic that got them to festivals. I wanted to make a lesbian Holocaust movie. During the party, as I was cooking over the fire, she'd said the very same thing...
"yeah, look we made this thing because it's got lesbians and that'll get you in any festivals" Talk about frank! I added that it should take place in the Holocaust...to which she agreed completely. And then die. Which would win them awards. I told her if there was ever such a thing as a Super-Academy Award, she hit it out of the park. Yeah, she knows the business and has a great attitude.

Something to be learned here...ambition, grit and positive nature goes a long way. As does being a cute chick who doesn't conjure up rape fantasies in this town. It was really good to run into Midwesterners who still kept one foot in their hometown.

Their short film premieres at Grauman's Chinese Theater next week. I'd been invited, but I hate Hollywood.

David Letterman's Last Ride

I'll say it. I was never a Letterman fan. I'm not sure why. But I did visit Muncie, IN, where he went to Ball State, and there is a plaque dedicated to the eternal "C" student. Which is really funny.

Maybe it's the New York thing, but Letterman is notorious for not liking stand up comedians on his show. In a sense, maybe that's because he had to be the funniest guy in the room. And the whole late night war with Leno. Leno still tours to keep his comedy chops up and CONSTANTLY promoted comedians. He LOVED comedians. Which is why it was so shocking that Letterman got so much more traction. I dunno. It does speak volumes about the "lemming" hipster thing.

It's not that I never found him funny. His style was a lot of repeat until someone found it funny. "Uma/Oprah" like. Yeah, that's what he found funny. There is a snobbery to it. East coast snobbery, which crowned Letterman more the edgier host than Leno. A lot of criticism for Leno came from his inability to interview. Look, they're not in it for themselves. What Letterman never understood was that the stars came first. Letterman seemed to think he was funnier than the guest he interviewed. There's something that I can't place my finger on that is very phony about him. That suspicion culminated in him firing an intern after she tried to extort money for having sex with him. This scenario paints everyone a fool.

Leno still rides motorcycles up to the The Rock Store and hangs with the people. He drives around town in his many cars. He talks to the people. I'm not sure Dave does.

Anyway, he's gone now. And it is a close on late night as I knew it. I don't watch talk shows anymore, so I'm probably the worst judge of it. But a new batch are taking over and I'm sure they'll add to the legacy.

Why I Fight For Celluloid

Maybe it’s because I’m seeking it out. But lately I’ve been seeing a revival of film shooting. I mean, shooting on organic physical film rather than digital. Which is odd considering I’m starting to come around in terms of finding use for digital, instead of looking at what’s bad. Digital has its benefits, but to me the cons outweigh the pros. A few of the things that come to mind are that you can walk away from a production knowing that you have what you need (which some may argue a vid feed recorded on video tap could do the same thing when it comes to film). And you don’t have to wait a day to see your work. In fact, you potentially could even see a cut scene within that same day. Yes, convenience. But has this made better movies? I’d argue it’s worse. The projects I’ve been involved in that dealt with digital dailies usually fall under people who can’t finalize a decision. Now with so many options, there is no creative solution. There’s “shoot more until we can figure it out in editing.” This is bad. There is lackluster pre-production to hammer out all your issues before you begin. I would argue…this to be the SOLE reason independent projects should shoot on film. Since a) you don’t know how much time you waste watching take after take. I would even say in comedy, immediacy almost makes you second guess your intuition. That’s death. I’m not sure I’ve seen a comedy this year that was digitally shot that was remotely funny. I think that energy is bled out with that type of shooting. I think the old school guys would call this “machine gun” shooting. Spray and hope you hit something.

So now I’m reading about people who are going WAY old school. That means shooting and then printing to film, and then editing on a flatbed. There is nothing more pure and to the physical as this workflow. You accept the environment into your image. Dust, dirt and scratches. Then you have mag track that syncs up to film. Mag track is 1/4” roll of audio that you use to transfer Nagra (sound recorder) to. It’s analog audio, reel to reel. And matches to picture. Personally, I LOVE reel to reel audio. Audiophiles can defend this better than I, but all I can say is digital recording drops a lot that reel to reel picked up cleanly. From my experience anyway.

I absolutely LOVE that there are people out there that make movies again, the traditional way. I mean, it is commitment since a lot of the gear used for this workflow is in disrepair or gutted/recycled for other things.

I just remember, about 20 years ago, I was sitting in a “bullpen” at University Hall in Bowling Green, Ohio crammed into a storage space with a flatbed editor. A terrible machine that we didn’t even know worked. The projection screen was pushed in, and I doubt anyone had touched it since the 80’s. But I made my short film on it (don’t ask me how, because I honestly don’t remember the details other than surviving on Coca-Cola and pizza). This was at a time when you had to be deliberate with your edit point, less you watch your movie in chunks. Painful, yet educational process that made me appreciate every frame that I shot. I think it’s missed in digital shooting.

I fight and use film. Because I think there’s an honesty to it. It’s pure craft. My contention is that, if it is a truly art form to the crafter, film will always have a place. But in reality, we are dealing with the mindset of the business side of show. Which they’d rather save pennies to be just “good enough.” Why not shoot film now before your break into the big dog studios force that away from you?

Minimum Wage In L.A. Is Raised to $15/hr.

This seems like a great thing to happen, but really...we're truly fucked. Why? Businesses don't like to be fucked with. Small business specifically. They'll pick up stakes and say "fuck you!" Mom and Pop cannot afford to sustain this type of propaganda garbage, if they do so. So here's the rub...we're going to see a LOT more under the table work. Which invites much more shady shit. Unless, they are documented workers. Which, we know isn't going to happen. So what happens. The tiny middle class is now expanded to include lower class. Is that good? Nope. Cost of living goes up. The demand to live in nicer places goes up. Guess what else goes up? Rent. Think you can't afford to live in L.A. before, get ready to not only be able to scrape by, but also argue with land lords AND, it's not like overnight a person in poverty just up and learns consideration. That low bass, ranchero, rap, country is coming to a town near you.

Is this unwarranted fear? Not to me, that shit already exists in my 'hood. But it's going to piss a ton of people off who were sitting comfy without certain groups injecting themselves into your lives. Also, guess what else disappears...our ability to hang on to the corporate jobs we have since the prices will need to be raised. Fuck you. That cost doesn't go back to the client, since they'll take their business elsewhere. And I wouldn't even blame them. So Eric Fucking Garceti...for you to get votes...you gutted the infrastructure of Angelenos by playing into their idiotic whims. No wonder people think we're stupid fucking idiots.

Why We May Embrace The Apocalypse

 I was watching the behind the scenes of the making of  “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.” A crew out in the outback just completely focused on the movie. Guess what you DON’T see? Cell phones.

 Yep. They are in no-man’s land without that type of access. You know…it just occurred to me, years ago, as I was out in the desert, a small border town called El Centro south of San Diego, and close enough to Mexico, you can smell the beans and rice. I remember doing a grueling shoot out there. This is when we really had brass balls to shoot out in harms way. I just remember we were all holed up in the local motel. No internet. No cell phones. Just us…making a movie. That’s the way it should be. We bonded that way. And am still friends with those I spent time with out in the desert. I love we were it. We HAD to be interesting people. Tell stories. Build fires. Drink beers, and talk about what the next days shoot was going to bring us. It’s amazing. The process. I miss it the most. When we could look across from the other person and realize we’re all in the same boat.

With internet, Facebook, Instagram, Vine vids and whatever other social media there is, I really believe we’ve set ourselves back in terms of our humanity. So much easier to watch other people live. But…I personally believe we’ve reached the limits of how removed we are with each other. I want to change that. I need to change that. For my own benefit.

Recently, I spoke to a former co-worker who is in the process of making his own movie. Without giving away plot, it entails a girl who’s entire life was on the internet. Made friends from other countries, traveled to different lands via Skype, shared music, and so forth. I told him how sad that must be. He meant it to be a positive thing. That was alarming. I couldn’t believe he thought a virtual life is acceptable. In essence, he believes the new internet life is better than interpersonal ones. I find that incredibly sad. But maybe he has a point. We can barely hold onto a conversation without the other party wondering what’s on their phone. I’ve been mocked for not having the newest smart phone. I don’t want it. I don’t need it.

And before you grill me over using the internet to vent or blog, realize that I’m writing this at home now, no internet, on Word, for which I later transfer onto the web at work. I’m not in that much of hurry to post my thoughts. There’s no urgency to race to the next big thing. I just enjoy a nice cigar while typing. Not bad.

"Ed Wood" (1994) and Why We Make Art

You guys ever see “Ed Wood” (1994)? That movie is awesome. So very sweet natured in a guy who just wanted to make movies. Similar to “Bowfinger” in that there is nothing standing in the way of a man and his dreams. Especially if his dreams is to make movies.

I think there is a great lesson to be learned in the movie. It’s that delusion often times saves art. And the commitment to delusion oftentimes protects your sanity in a field where there are no guarantees. A LOT of times things occur by accident. Because it is movie making part of the thrill is discovering what moves many people.

Ed Wood was a director in Hollywood that surrounded himself with misfits. He didn’t know they were oddities (for which in today’s world, he’d be seen as an innovator of kitsch). He was John Waters before John Waters was John Waters. An eccentric who was perma-optimistic. According to the movie anyway. And through this attitude pulled a team of oxen up a hill. Which happened to also be his downfall.

Anyone in this town desperate to make movies…also be warned. We may see Wood as the bon vivant of schlock cinema, but he didn't make it on purpose. He set out to make the best movie he could. It landed him the dubious distinction of being “the worst director of all time.” Which I would argue is total shit. If anything, he took a pile of shit and tried so hard to polish it. With the joy of a child, unfortunately the academics of a deaf mute.

In today’s terms, he would be a viral star. Though I don’t think he would relish in it. Like all dreamers, he also chased the mythical beast. In the movie, his was Orson Welles, a 26 year old prodigy of radio and cinema. About this time in “Ed Wood” Welles was integrated into the studio system  (very little of this has changed by the way). It meant that although Welles had been the genius wunderkind who’d made “Citizen Kane” he was still running into a brick wall attempting to make a movie with studio money. That’s how stupid collective brain trust is. You hire someone who’s proven, and question everything. Talk about frustrating.

In Wood’s mind, Welles was his contemporary and the reason to succeed. If we were to put him in today’s society, it’d probably be Quentin Tarantino (though, I suppose people would rabidly argue his talent). But, that’s who Wood wanted to emulate. Did he succeed? In his own way…yes. And in that, we champion him as Horatio Alger type character. A man who let ambition guide his dream, despite fatal flaws. I think we love that view on life. Not that I would ever want Ed Wood’s career, as he also died of alcoholism. Something that is both sad but embodies the artist.  Or should I say consumes.

"Furious Seven" (2015)

This movie is dumb. Not just dumb, I rolled my eyes until they hit the back of my head. But that’s neither here nor there, the real story is that Paul Walker died during the making of this movie. Quite frankly, they really capitalized on it and, in a bizarre twist made it critic proof. Who in their right mind is going to call this garbage out for what it was? It’s a cut and paste job similar to how they solved Brandon Lee’s death during “The Crow.” There is no ending to which satisfies the story and the tragedy with a movie called “Fast & Furious” about reckless car driving and Walker dying in a fiery car crash.

I digress, the movie is not any good. It’s riding on an incredibly thin line of a revenge plot very poorly constructed as a man-o-man ending. It’s corny. And laugh at loud stupid. But…then again, which “Fast” wasn’t. Plus, it’s longer than fuck. Why? There’s a dumb riff with Tyrese about how he should be the leader of an “impossible mission” for what reason other than to have him inject a dumb idea with comedy. He fails miserably later on as he is called on to distract a whole Arab party with his comic styling. An AWFUL uncomfortable moment. Not one laugh from this audience.

Jason Statham is also really bad. He wasn’t called on to do much, but to retread his “Transporter” fight skills. He constantly shows up at just the right moments, and sometimes HIGHLY secure places, which we know by now, he’s so highly skilled, they think we don’t question it. Fine. But why also add in Djimon Honsou as THE OTHER BAD GUY? Oh right, the need to find a reason for Terminator Stratham to get out of a bind. Better yet, split the team up and conquer. There’s too much going on here. As it’s blown to ridiculous proportion by a drone chase through…an abandoned Los Angeles (what freaking apocalypse occurred where there’d be no traffic on 3^rd and Spring in downtown? I guess no one living here thinks the 9^th largest population per square foot, everyone would be inside. Collateral damage would’ve instantly gotten all these fools tossed into jail. And the worst of all…Kurt Russell. Shit man, “The Expendables” didn’t call. And here we are with the biggest (and my most painful) experience. Watching Kurt Russell, try to be Kurt Russell, but didn’t have enough space to pull this off. Goddamn it…you have Jack Burton on your hands, and all you can do is fill him full of the same crap dialogue as he did in “Tequila Sunrise.” Damn you guys. Speaking of crap dialogue, EVERYONE, and I was really surprised the dog walking on the street didn’t bark out a one-liner about how the bad guy was going to end up in a body bag. I’m not joking. In fact they did a back to back one. Toretto (Vin Diesel) mutters about how he’s going to take down the bad guy…then it cuts to Brian (Paul Walker) who (again I am NOT joking) says the same line differently. It was like when a actor gives three different versions of the same line to test the inflection. All to satisfy (presumably) trailer material. Just terrible.

And shame on Universal. Here’s the thing…it’s quite easy to take Paul Walker out…there’s a very TERRIBLE scene of Jordana Brewster (who’s looking more and more like a Kardashian) telling Walker on the phone that once he gets done with this job it’s over. This is all prefaced by the fact that they have one child and one child on the way. And a quick scene of a cliché mini-van comedy that tells us he misses his formal adrenaline fueled life. Nope. Don’t buy it. Brewster, would be an insane monster with him doing something…um…that required she hide out in the Dominican Republic. Common fucking sense. Boom, Walker is out of the movie. INSTEAD, and this is THE most shameful part of this movie, we’re left to wonder when they’re going to kill off Brian (Walker), or how it’s coming. They did an ingenious thing which was…put him in different scenarios or have him tell someone important and heartfelt moment. Oops…this could be his last. Nope, this is the last. Fuck! Can he say something heartfelt and then just die already. Fuck no. Shame on the powers that be. You milked Walker dry, rung out his spirit and then dedicate his corpse to him. That, to me, is the ultimate lesson about Hollywood. And it’s also that joke about hookers. What’s the difference between a studio executive and a hooker. A hooker will stop fucking you when you’re dead.

But I guess it’s all okay, because at the blessing of the Walker brethren, who took over as body and face doubles for Paul, they essentially raked in their own windfall. This movie is just subversively offensive. It gets their cake and gets to eat it too. And the fact that it destroyed box office, says more about us as a society. Actually this is a positive. The fact that people knew this movie was horrid, still supported it in tragedy. The one thing no one ever mentions…perhaps this was a crowd funding effort to the extreme. That people didn’t necessarily want to watch the movie nor cared whether it be good or bad, but by putting money into the till, they felt they gave back to Paul.

I don’t want to be a complete shit to Paul Walker, but I’m not so sure he had THAT much more in the tank, acting wise. I mean, Chris Pine pretty much snapped up all the darker movies, and the action genre has recently turned to Dwayne Johnson or Jason Stratham. It seemed he fell into the middle, being too pretty to fight, not muscle-y enough for fantasy or believe he was vulnerable and couldn’t get laid. I’m sure he spent a lot of rejection in roles due to this. Would he have the chops of Ryan Gosling? Probably not. He suffers the same fate as James Van Der Beek. Too WASP-y for the new society of our mutt-it-tude.

Your Reel Sucks

If you're into any visual creative arts endeavor, more than likely in order to get a gig, they will have to look at your reel. A reel is a clip show of your best work. If you'd ask me what they wanted to see, I'd say something specific. For an actor's reel TOO many people make the mistake of putting their drama with their comedy, or their action with their comedy. For cinematographers, it's more specific than that. They want to see big money on screens. And a celebrity. Stars are shitty human beings. If you worked with a name, more than likely you have the patience of a saint. Twice as much if you work with straight up crone bitches who now trust you to light them well. A beautiful female star will drag you with her career. If you fuck that up, you will be dragged through the mud.

When I was casting my short film, I saw a lot of submissions of reels. Acting reels. Granted a lot were just starting out. But it did open my eyes to what constitutes a "reel" nowadays. I saw people standing in front of a white wall using lines from a movie, shot with an iPhone. I'm not sure how much less effort you can put into your collective work, but I think that would be the bare minimum. Actually, I think the bare minimum would be something sending you a link to a vine video. Yes, it's this Mickey Mouse. It stunned me as to how people think this to be their career why they didn't spend every single nickel or dime to have an editor pour through their work. I was about to bad-mouth the ones who pay people to set up a scene and tape it, but...at least it's something other than not giving a shit. Still, I think effort is better used in auditioning rather than getting into a project. My advice is to do something small first. Student films are stock full of people who need actors. Sometimes though, students are shittier than the professionals. I remember being in the same office as John Papsidera when I was just a copy boy intern. The guy was SO nice to people. Like, I thought he was faking it. But he's genuinely a nice person. Versus, AFI/USC students. Man, these kids are dickheads. So full of themselves and their supposed ability. They mistake kindness to weakness. So they lord these roles over people. Fuck them. But, unfortunately, these are the ones you will have to deal with to begin with. OR, the best is just to get out there and do something. ANYTHING. I get the sense, the ones who sent me reels did it as a carpet bombing. Seeing what hits. This is bad. And people can sense it. What you should do is more specific, BUT be the person others can't NOT watch. Technology is so cheap nowadays, you can make your own stuff, film it and make it look like a contender. The competition is ridiculous. And even good things you do will be overlooked. BUT at least you're doing SOMETHING. The caveat is this: don't let an asshat like me tell you your reel sucks. I've had that happened to me. My cinematography reel that had a project that actually won an award. Who cares? The guy who evaluated it, thought it sucked. And wasn't too timid to tell me so. You only need to hear someone say it once, to realize you aren't in OZ anymore. And your mommy won't be there to convince you you deserve the brass ring. That's when you really feel the sting of the business and stop goofing off by standing in front of a white fucking wall doing scenes from "Misery."

Women And Birthdays

My friend recently had a birthday. Whilst she is barely getting by, she decides to have her party in a swank downtown Los Angeles bar.

It got me thinking...what is it about women really angry about turning older, yet they throw a birthday bash beyond the biggest of celebrities? I really don't understand that. I guess you could say the bigger the bash, the more they feel loved? If I were an old lady, I'd want to hide out in some dark room and not deal with it. Turning older sucks, why broadcast it. For me, turning another year older doesn't matter anymore. My Mom was actually the same way. The less fanfare, the better. SO I guess it dispels that myth. But my Mom is very eccentric person. She doesn't put on her seatbelt, But complains about my driving.

Me, driving: (staring at Ma sitting shotgun, no seat belt): "You allergic to seatbelts?"
Ma: "I use to be like you. I couldn't go anywhere without a seatbelt. I felt like I was falling."

I thought better than to follow up this logic. Her anecdote answered nothing.

Ma: "You wanna slow it down?" (as she grabs for the 'oh shit' handle).

Happy Birthday, you old broads.

"Magic In The Moonlight" (2014)

Say what you will about Woody Allen, he knows style and dialogue. Yes, it’s a stilted period piece movie that doesn’t require “reality” to guide performances, but the comedy comes across so naturally (and theatrically) it’s worth the time.

In this romantic comedy, we first see Colin Firth as Stanley, a life cynic and egotistical snob who is a famous magician under the guise of a Chinese man. By the way, this is based on a real magician who spent a lifetime doing magic as an Asian.

Anyway, he is recruited by a fellow magician to “out” Sophie, a phony psychic played so sweetly by Emma Stone. Naturally, he ends up smitten by her. We see this coming, but it still is a wonderful journey that pits two incredibly different people. And has a great message that, while we follow life with such cynicism, it makes life MUCH more interesting if we could just believe in a little magic. And sometimes that could be in the form of love. There’s no explanation. Or science.

This is a great romantic sentiment, which is surprisingly optimistic view by an older Woody Allen. I heard a rumor years ago about how Allen get his movies made. Since I didn’t even see this one in theaters. The rumor goes, he started at a time when artists were oftentimes supported by benefactors. In New York for sure. So there is a foundation out there that just funds Woody Allen’s movies. It starts as a negative pick up, which means this benefactor picks up the costs of his movies, and a studio helps distribute it for next to no money. It’s win/win. Why? According to the story, it’s because the benefactor loves his movies. To me, this is an amazing system and quite frankly, THE very best way to make movies. Because art is internal. Something that most people are born with. The right blend of talent, moxie and tempo that a lot of us will never learn. So you support the ones that have that skill. It’s perfect. The way that movies are made today, is by committee. So, a director is just a figurehead. This system is great because you are prolonging an artist’s integrity. I think that’s what sunk people like Ridley Scott. His movies have gotten progressively stupid. With a benefactor, I would be paid just to make Ridley Scott-type movies. Yes, he has his own production company. But he still answers to studios. Unfortunately for him, it’s not a camera and a handful of people. He’s at the mercy of budget. He makes BIG movies. But consider this…”Thelma & Louise” was a tiny movie. I argue that was his last really good movie.

I digress...I highly recommend “Magic In The Moonlight.” It’s a sweet small story with fun characters and with grand scale. Plus, it is a STUNNING movie to look at. It refreshed my feeling that film has a LONG way to go before extinction. Digital can still take a back seat for a project like this.

"Mad Max: Fury Road"

If you liked "The Road Warrior" you're basically getting that. Just take the middle out and inject it with chick flick notions and...there you have this movie. While viscerally wonderful, the high praise for this movie is really strange. I mean, it was past the 90% in Rotten Tomatoes. It has a lot of moments where you do wonder if people have died, but as far as their assessment of very little CGI and most things practical. I call bullshit. Especially when a large portion of the movie have people literally flying from burning wreckage and being sucked into a volcanic tornado. NOT CGI? C'mon.

In fact, the movie should never have been called "Mad Max" since he does very little in the movie. He is reactive, and punished in this version of post apocalypse. Very little is unique in terms of storyline of resources being tapped. What is unique are the characters he milks from the outer regions of shit. And there is generally no purpose for the makeup, costuming nor the intricate impractical doo-dads other than for wow factor. "Thunderdome..." is infinitely better. Because it's a great slow burn. Plus, Mel Gibson looks nuts. And his version of Max, you buy. Tom Hardy looks bored. And he's really rude to women for no reason..maybe his reason is a flashback past that we get flashes of. Really, jarring disjointed and hardly mystery inducing flashes. Mel was front and center while this new version has Tom Hardy completely missing in some scenes.

I do say, there are great things about this film. That it doesn't care about human life (even though the undercurrent is a preservation of it). Didn't stop them from using bodies as trip plates for very menacing vehicles. It's an angry movie. But an adventure nonetheless.

You know what I REALLY miss about these movies? That it was ultimately about a greater society. Here, we're presented the ultimate outcome, and you feel like you are owed something, but there are a TON of questions you're still left with. Especially since the society they left seems to have spent a generation that was undone by a mere few minutes. In "Thunderdome..." we know Auntie is still the boss. Leaving us with "Aren't we a pair...raggedy man." THAT sums up so much more than a few tender spots this re-boot (NOT a sequel) misses.

I don't think this fits in with anything the previous movies were about. That's fine. It's rebooting the franchise, which I'm sure the next installment will be better. Much like "The Road Warrior" was better than "Mad Max." And most likely a third installment which will hopefully trump the rest. I really miss crazy Mel.

Best of Friends

Let’s be completely honest with each other here.

How many of us secretly enjoy it when we meet someone’s girlfriend and she turns out to be not so attractive. You know what that is? Being a shitty human being.

I should just say human being. Because we’re all shitty. But it’s funny we all think this but we are very cordial when it comes to this. In a sense, relief, that someone…at least in the broader scope of society, didn’t do better than you. It is shitty. I recall a guy I went to film school with who would do that. When I’d go out with a girl, he’d say “man, I gotta’ see this girl.” Not “I gotta meet this girl”…”I gotta’ SEE this girl.” Probably to imply where is this hideous beast that would find you worthy of fucking.

It’s honest, for sure. However, he suffered from a TON of insecurity. This guy eventually made a feature film that got buried, since a similar one had come out at the very same time. If you believe in what goes around, comes around…except in his case NO ONE wanted to see his dog.

Yeah, it’s a shitty human quality, but it’s also very liberating that people won’t bullshit you about it. You can tell the ones who do, because they’re more than excited to talk to the girl. There is an approachability to being less than attractive.

My friend’s brother had a SMOKING hot girlfriend (now wife) I couldn’t even talk to. I just got a sense every time I’d talk, I’d look at her massive tits. Or say something inappropriate. Why bother?

Bill Cosby R.I.P....Just His Career

Here's what I would've written as a statement had I been Bill Cosby:
"There had been many allegations that have been attacks on my character. If you've worked in entertainment, you realize there are a lot of desperate, bitter, entitled and oftentimes misguided people who will take whatever advantage that may have crossed their paths. As in the nature of our profession we also get lost, disturbed angry and confused "creative" types who oftentimes seek attention where none were given. In an attempt to extend a courtesy, I'd offered only my advice and counsel. To which, some may have viewed as sexual misconduct.

I emphatically deny any unwarranted advances at those who accuse me.

These present accusations are unfounded and completely an ugly side effect of what I considered beneficial to the careers of people beginning their lives in show business. Where negative attention is mistaken for celebrity.

As sometimes comes with goodwill is met with mental unstable human beings that seek to take advantage of my own career. To which, I feel, may shed light on our industry that someone can be shown to be so manipulative with just simple accusations. This is a ridiculous and malicious attack on me, my family and my reputation. I find it sickening that I would be portrayed as a predator of women or use any celebrity to my advantage. This is beyond any description other than "opportunist" that comes to mind.

I intend to fight with every fiber of my being, these disturbing allegations, and pray the truth comes out once and for all."

But he didn't write this. Nor did he have this intention in the only "statement" he gave. Instead, he babbled about nothing, like a rapist idiot. He's guilty as shit. Though...I doubt he ever thought these chickens would come home to roost. Why should he? If those women were drugged, not like they had any memory of it. Or one that holds up in court. What a mess.

B.B. King Dies

Can we stop with the fucking hyperbole already?
He wasn't the greatest blues guy of all time. Nor, if you follow the blues, would even place him in the top ten. And he died at 89 years of age (that's like 180 years for fat bluesmen). So cram it.

Can you name one other song he's done besides "The Thrill is Gone"? And was it because you weren't watching a Cialis commercial? Doubt it. And therein lies this silly love of iconography.

I knew he was a goner when they earlier reported that he was checking into a hospital. Though hardly a time to prepare for someone who was 89. We're not talking about "if" anymore, it's about "when." Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate that this may open the doors to do some research on other bluesmen, preferably under the age of 60. But to me, B.B. King and his axe "Lucille" will always remind me of the smell of cheap beer on fresh grass during a blues festival.

I'm not going to make a stupid reference to his death and his infamous song. Just to spare you the indignity.

Don't Be BFF With Chicks

There is something odd about having your best friend being a girl. I’m not sure why it doesn’t sit with me, but something about a guy who has a girl best friend (come to think of it, ANY best friend) seems effeminate. Fuck you. I’ll judge if I want to. I have two sisters and neither I would consider even a close friend. There are some guys who share a lot with women. This is bad news. I guess it’s because sharing these types of internal feelings, dreams or thoughts with someone of the opposite sex sets you up to not having to desire to fuck them. Think about it…if you have a platonic friend with a girl, you already mentally believe all women are for talking to and never for fucking. Bad news if you want to fuck that girl. The side effect is that you get to hear ALL her fucking problems. And you sit there thinking this is the shit you will have to put up with. AND you're not getting to hit it. So fuck that.

I think it’s the same thing for girls though. You get yourself in a “friend zone” she ‘aint never gonna fuck you. I got a co-worker now who's 50 and fucked because he makes friends with women. He gets the inside scoop on their garbage, and can't find that specific girl. The one who doesn't vomit her problems on him. That's why he's still looking.

Old Man With A Camera

So I’m about to buy a camera from a guy I’d talked to almost a year ago. He’s a quiet older guy in Colorado who had all this film gear. I got into a conversation with him that led to me scanning a portion of footage he’d shot years ago. He was impressed by the outcome but he just disappeared. I think he’s retired now. It’s hard to figure out the details. It did get into my mind, maybe this is who I will be decades later. An old man with a lot of gear and the world passing me by, until some pissant from Los Angeles contacts me and talks to me about movies. He held onto his gear as long as he could. Now he just happy to be done with it. Move on with life, as he related to me.

Again, we are talking about a miniscule percentage that ever go into their 70’s doing this. We become old, mind becomes feeble and the effort and hassle no longer is worth it. With only our memories to show for it. Movie making does seem to be living in the past, in some ways. We can relive moments. As they slowly fade away. And the stories become those we can’t stand telling anymore.

I oftentimes wonder about people that have longevity. I doubt Eastwood sits around reminiscing about his past. I’m sure he enjoys revisiting set stories about him and Sergio Leone, But he has bigger things to deal with. I watched “Play Misty For Me” recently. He loves revisiting that movie. I think that’s the same thing as when a pro football player has the fondest memories about college. That’s when the game was the least about business. I think Eastwood probably thinks of “…Misty” as the last time he thoroughly enjoyed the process of making a movie. The rest that he does have moments. But, reading any interview it’s oftentimes about how quickly he’d like to shoot a movie and get back out on the golf course. “…Misty…” so happened to also be the first time he was taken seriously as a director.

I’m not sure what “inheriting” this old fellas camera means. I feel it’s passing the torch to someone who he may think exhibits that can-do attitude. I see the mountain before me, and chop at it to become a mole hill. Yes, I have massive fear. It’s an investment in the faith of filmmaking. True unadulterated filmmaking. Spinning good yarns has so little to do with gear, but it’s not to say the unspoken truth is, if it was worth putting in front of an audience, it’s worth thinking about it before you put it to film.

Scientology Isn't Any Crazier

Why are people pissed about Scientology? There's a new documentary that exposes what it is. So fucking what?

What if we were to make a documentary about all the evils of say...Catholic Church? Is it any crazier than spaceships and martians? Do you know how much money that "church" takes in? Vatican City is it's own city BECAUSE of Catholic money. Talk about indoctrinating the dumb and hopeless. Also, a dead guy comes back in March after being crucified? (which also happens to be a plot point in "Conan The Barbarian"). This is cool with everyone?

Also, what about those fucking extreme Muslims who get bent out of shape over cartoons of Muhammed. Shit, I'd be more upset you name all your kids that name and they're a bunch of fuck ups. Grow the fuck up about that. It's just a drawing. I remember looking at some Hustler magazines back in my teens that had Santa assfucking an elf. Look if extreme Muslims want to draw a picture of Jesus getting a cross up his ass, doubt any Christian would be upset enough to kill a Muslim. Some would...but wouldn't do it. Most would laugh.

To put a spotlight on the insanity of Scientology, should also raise many questions about religion in general. The cause of, and solution to all our problems (to paraphrase the feelings of booze via "The Simpsons." I think if you're a zealot in any ritualistic bullshit cult/religion...I hope in the "other life" you are constantly reminded how wrong you were in this one. In terms of oppressing or judging someone else's beliefs. I really don't care one way or another your convictions. The fact that some people are adamant about their belief stuns me sometimes. I have a friend who is born again. She irritates me with that talk. To me, it's just veiling deep dark pain. Facing life's disappointments...if I may say...is the secret to overcoming the bullshit in your life.

The Cat Women

Lee Merriweather and Julie Newmar

If you haven’t heard of these two, you weren’t a prepubescent boy watching re-runs on network television circa 1980’s.

I was in LOVE with these two. I think it was the Cat Woman suit as both of these women played Cat Woman in the 60’s “Batman.” Lee had only played Cat Woman in the t.v. movie, but BOY, what an impression. Both are really tall. Lee at 5’9” and Julie close to 6’. I loved those legs. Both of them are insanely beautiful to this day. Without a hint of plastic surgery. Maybe Julie, but definitely not Lee.

Anyway, a reason why you should listen to “Gilbert Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast” on iTunes is simply for one story he loves to push about Caesar Romero. Caesar played the original Joker. The story goes, Caesar is gay and that he use to have young boys brought into his dressing room while he had orange wedges thrown at his bare ass. To which Julie responded “Were they peeled or not?”

Julie Newmar

THAT’S why I love this woman. Lee’s response was just to laugh hysterically and neither deny nor confirm. As she is much more a lady. Elegant in her sexiness. Did I mention they’re both in their 80’s now? And still with SO much life. I should be so lucky to find either of these two in my autumn years. Just their laughter alone brings so much heart swells. Lee has the less affected voice. She was Miss America n 1952 and you could sense her measured sophisticated patois. Whilst Julie is more theatrical in her delivery. Much more attuned at “giving what the men want” type accommodating. Both are STILL sexy. It’s no mystery why these two had longevity. Even more bizarre that they were both born and raised in Los Angeles. A rarity today. I wish actresses were more like this. I think that’s why people are responding to talent like Emma Stone or Jennifer Lawrence. They seem like they could banter with you in this same fashion. Much less self conscious of their effect on people, much more about just living a decent life.

Lee Merriweather

I’ve seen dailies with Jennifer Lawrence, she’s what she is when “cut” is called. She breaks into ball busting. Good ball busting. Like it’s suppose to be fun. Actually, there have been rare moments where I’ve seen actors during a break from the take go batshit. Or get upset (if it wasn’t for the word). Ed Harris went fucking nuts during some scenes on a movie I did recently. Carrie Fisher on the new “Star Wars” got frustrated a few times. But never had I seen a blow out (I’d been on “Terminator Salvation” on the now infamous Christian Bale meltdown, but never saw the footage as it was audio and not filmed.

Anyway, I love these two girls, look them up. They’re good sports about the movie business, despite what they must’ve been through.

Happy Mother's Day, Mother Fuckers

I fell for it. I don't care. Bought my 70+ year old mother (not really sure how old she is) a bouquet of flowers for the special day and had that shit delivered. Luckily it also came with free chocolates for her to complain how fat she's become. "Can I get it without the free chocolates?"
"No, you can order this other deal that is more expensive, but doesn't come with chocolates" (paraphrasing)
"So, by not getting this extra thing, I'm paying extra. You know that concept of goods service versus price?"

silence

"fuck it, gimme the one with free chocolates, she'll re-gift to one of my sisters."

This is a day where father's hide. And kids put crayons and popsicle sticks together with macaroni to make a fucked up portrait of ma. Yeah, internet ProFlowers=much easier. With less glue sniffing. And I'm not 5 years old. Personally, I think the thought of flowers slowly dying in your kitchen, maybe a perfect metaphor for your relationship with your mother.

So yeah, Mother's Day is one of those days where mothers also convince you that EVERY day should be mother's day (they're a rabid bunch). Right, lady. I chose to be here. They really go out for the free shit. "I'm a mother, gimme my free coffee, fuckface" "Ima' mother, gimme a donut." "Ima' mother, gimme that Maserati." How the fuck are these people suppose to know you're a mother? The long deep etched in crow's feet? The distended stomach just above the vagina? Your word? My mom got wise and got herself a "mother's ring." This is a ring with her 3 children's birthstone. She can wave that shit in someone's face and demand crap on this very special ONE day. So she spent thousands on a ring to get a Wal-Mart donut. It's the thought that counts.

My sister actually was smarter. She gets them a day after. Talk about discount! And if she complains..hey! Everyday is Mother's Day, bitch.

Asians and Education

In my culture and almost all Asians, we didn't have much of leeway when it came to education. We'd compete with ourselves to see who was smarter. Most of the time it was an unspoken thing, in high school and college it was all out war. For smarts. Yeah, no one would fuck us, but we got into college or got great I.T. jobs.

There's a new movement now where they've been lowering standards of acceptance to colleges to include a diversity of people. And, in some turn of irony, leaving out the Asians, since...they're pretty much full up. What people don't seem to realize is that whatever bar you set for Asians, they don't turn their back to that challenge, they attempt to reach it. The standardized testing to get into college now implies that an Asian applicant needs to score even higher than their other counterparts. Instead of whining how unfair this situation is, they've accepted the standards, and now still reach it.

How fucking much higher does this need to go before someone realizes how utterly DUMB this is? The answer: no one will ever draw attention to it. Therefore, goes unnoticed. Why? Because it's stupid. In an attempt to level the playing field, you've essentially lowered your standards. What I grew up with, was that there was a line, and you go to it. The line NEVER went to you. So what type of student do you get? Entitled. I can't tell you how many times professors would love to shake an entitled kid to death. Entitled are the worst students. The worst employees. And worst humans.

My point being, this "good deed" people think they're doing by helping the educationally deficient, you're really crippling them by arming them with a sense of life working out no matter how little they try. Disappointment could be the saving grace. I know I've had my share. I can't compete with my Asian doctor friends. But that's on me.

"It's A Mess..."

...this was told to my co-worker from a producer who just released a major movie today, by a major studio.

It'll probably make its money back, but damned if anyone knew anything. I worked on the dailies, and...well, from what I saw, I thought it looked...pretty funny. But the fuck do I know about comedy.

It's now been critically panned and audience disapproved, so it does prove that it wasn't just some sour grapes, but I'm still going to see it. Since I support anything I was a part of. Blahahaha.

It got me thinking about studio executives who stick their fingers in too many pies. Not that the executive who spoke those words contributed at all, but oftentimes you get a pretty decent script in your hands and you get stars in it, and for whatever reason, whether direction or non-direction or something...midway through, you just feel it to be disastrous. Not to integrate my tiny project into it, but my student thesis film was like that. It became overcooked.

I turned in the short film script to my professor. In his thick Eastern block accent he told me it was "good to shoot, jes git it approve'd by writing teacher." To which I did. Then when it came closer to the shoot, I went back to my typewriter (yes, things were written on these things), and re-did it. Changed things for clarity, worried about logistics. Added dialogue. Changed lines. Fucked it all up.

I turned in the final to the same teacher to which he gently added "why'd you fuck it up?" No joke. He said the first draft I'd submitted had all the elements needed to shoot. But because of over-thinking, over-worry and generally caring too much about input, it became...trite. The original script was written from feeling...the final was written from thought. And movies are about feeling. When you read it, it should feel like something. Anything. In his opinion, I'd stripped the "original concept" into something so banal, even he thought I should've pulled the plug and re-tool to get the original feeling of the first draft back. By then, I'd been too headstrong and went forth.

The movie turned out okay. I wonder what it would've been like had I stuck with the original. It was an ambitious project (unlike any the university really supported, since it felt "Hollywood" and the teachers were all hippie fucks). I set out to make a Disney movie.

Anyway, my point being, I was my own worst executive. I try really hard to not get too mental about things. I think because now that I have my own money sunk into projects, it's hard not to want to hit a homer. I believe this is why people often say "make the movie that you'd want to see."

THE Secret To Screenwriting

I figured out a screenwriting secret no one ever pinpoints as THE MUST thing to do. It’s so ridiculously simple I’m fucking stupid it took me THIS long to put into words. And they never said a damn thing in film school about it. Suck it film school.

Anyway, wanna know what it is?

Have a time clock. Yes. A clock to show you urgency. An internal or external time clock. Sometimes really obvious, like even having a literal time clock (“Back To The Future” has one of the biggest ones I can remember). Every movie you can name has one.  Name one. Go ahead.

“Gone With The Wind”: save Tara within this time to stop foreclosure. OR starve to death (which is it’s own time clock). It’s so obvious, the movie even opens with a Ben Franklin quote about it…“Don’t squander time, it’s what stuff is made of”

“Road House”: Dalton has one more job before he gets out of the business. He’s so close.

“Out Of Africa”: Our girl Streep, stuck in the outskirts of Africa with money running out to get her coffee business going. A slow trickle of a time clock (more like an hour glass)

Any Bond movie does it with a ticking time bomb.

Any action movie from the 90’s starts with either “I’ve got one week to retirement” or “the killer is going to kill again ‘within this time’”

“RoboCop”: OCP is about to sign the paperwork on a massive contract to privatize law enforcement, tick tock…can Robo stop evil corporate scumbag from making it official.

“The Goonies”: One more adventure before they foreclose (apparently on the entire town).

“Driving Miss Daisy”: a great one…can miss Daisy & Hoke get along before one of them dies? Talk about slow trickle time clock.

“Stand By Me”: Gotta beat everyone to the dead body so we can be heroes.

Any serial killer movie: Before the next murder

"Ex Machina": You have seven days to evaluate if my robot can function as human

The simple answer is that time clocks makes us nervous. That’s a good thing. Since when we’re nervous we stay focused. And eat popcorn. It’s probably more accurate to say we are marking time in the movie. I think we all have an internal clock that runs with stories. And we GOTS to know. Tick…tick…tick. Wandering aimlessly is death.

I realize something…without a time clock, or sense of urgency…people stop reading your script. Almost immediately.

Here’s a trick…add that sense of urgency to any story you tell. Inject even the one you consider the dumbest one and see if that doesn’t boost the story by at least 10%.

Let’s try it with a story I typically saw from female film students (when I was in school):

Glenda, a homely wallflower, is debating whether or not to go out with her friends to a raging party.

Time clock version: Glenda, a homely wallflower, is debating whether or not to go out with her friends to a raging party…when she stumbles upon a potion that makes every guy want her. The potion only lasts until midnight.

A typical male film student story…

Charlie hates his parents for divorcing when he was young and lost faith in religion.

Time clock version: Charlie hates his parents for divorcing when he was young and lost faith in religion…but now he’s been diagnosed with nut cancer and has a month to live.

Cheap and lame, but it works.

The next time you watch a movie, see how well (or bad) they hide this. The better they hide it, the better the movie. In “Thelma & Louise” they have a destination (Mexico) but they mark the time by both their personality switch AND how tan and mussed up their hair get. Visually (and subconsciously), we may be thinking “get to Mexico before you get melanoma and split ends!”

Foodies, Go Home

You know what I most hate about Los Angeles. The bullshit hypocrisy of our lifestyle. We eat grain fed organic bullshit and cry about how we aren't conserving enough water. Da' fuck do you think this grain comes from? Farming. And watering said grain.

It's the same reason I hate foodies so much. Most foodies are damn near broke, BUT refuse to eat anything that is "toxic" to them because government controls food. Bitch, government controls your whole life. The minute you pay taxes, you're contributing (if you do, you filthy hipster). The car you drive regulates that Subaru Outback. That coffee you drink is by some government entity dealing with a banana republic. To wake your foodie ass out of your designer bullshit life. Total garbage.

Here's the rub. If these people had their way, we'd all live like them. They don't live this lifestyle because they thoroughly enjoy it, they live it to lord over you. That's why when I do attend these food events, I want to beat them with their own importance. Listen, if I have two bucks in my pocket, I'm not going to wave off a two piece at Church's Fried Chicken. Go fuck yourself.

Lawrence Taylor's Son & The NFL

Had a discussion about players in the NFL, since Lawrence Taylor's (NY Giants linebacker) son was in the news recently for having been convicted of child molestation and has been sentenced to 10 years. That's a long time on LT's pocketbook. An eternity for a pedophile in prison.

Basically, my argument was that I would NEVER want to play for the NFL. With a league minimum of under $170k, this money as a bench warmer most likely gets burned into...agents, managers, college loans, insurance, living expenses, health care, trainers, supplements, family, and...in LT's case criminal lawyers. In LT's years, we're not talking about gazillions they make these days. It's more than likely he's already blown through it, whether it be in his previous cocaine habit or his cars or houses. The guy has to supplement his football career with being a pitchman...probably for local commercials. Yeah, and he is a LEGEND. The guy I was talking to was willing to take that money. I told him he was nuts. Though I never was THAT physical enough to want to go to professional sports (diminutive), maybe if I was 6'5" and 320 lbs., it would seem I'd be limited to a wrecking ball trucker driver, or a lineman. The options are limited for behemoths. I think given the option, maybe playing a kid's sport for tons of dollars matters up front. But the problems don't come until much later.

So You Want To Make Movies?

I think this should start to be a segment of god awful bullshit people in the film industry try to play:
Here's a story about a day player grip.

I don't even fucking know this asshole's name. Only that he came on for a week. Was a shave headed retard grip. A grip, in movie terms, is basically just a construction worker. There's no greater aspiration for a grip then to build something or move something heavy. Maybe stack a c-stand or three. But for the most part lean on something and get out of actors' eyelines. Very few care about movies. They certainly don't care about corporate jobs, considering almost all have sleeves of tattoos. And sport facial hair that rivals a bike gang member. They mostly stand around ogling the actresses. But bend their importance, since everyone knows the have the a) best drugs b) cooler of beer.

This one particular grip was only there for, I'd say two days MAYBE three. When the production wrapped (for this movie I was shooting) it was a year later, before it was released. Upon release this...fucking retard grip sued...yes SUED the producer of this project as he claims he wasn't given overtime. The way I heard it from the producer, he dug up all the pay vouchers AND his in-time and out-time matched with what he'd been paid. This fucking stupid fuck thought the production was so disorganized he could pull that shit. This idiot got a scheister piece of garbage entertainment lawyer to sue on his behalf. The producer shoved this paperwork in that dirty lawyer's face (as they were attempting to negotiate a settlement). "Settle this!" was what I would've said as I smashed copies of his deal memo in his mouth. This producer was much kinder. He didn't know who this guy was either. He had to dig into his file to find why this claim would pop up.

Yes, people are like that. You HAVE to be so cautious as to who you bring onto your movie.

Insurance Protects Us From Stupid Assholes (ourselves)

If you ever run into film production insurance this is what you'll see:

GENERAL LIABILITY: We require One Million dollars of coverage. XXXX must be named as "additionally insured".

AUTO LIABILITY: We require One Million dollars of coverage for Non owned, Hired auto liability coverage, with physical damage. XXXX must be named as "additionally insured".

MISC EQUIPMENT INSURANCE: You must supply replacement coverage insurance for the full value of the equipment rented and name XXXX as "loss payee". The party "named insured" on the insurance certificate is the party renting the equipment. 

IF YOU HAVE NO INSURACE:XXXX offers the following for rentals that have an insurance value of less than $15,000.
YOU MUST HAVE EQUIPMENT INSURANCE FOR - Camera bodies, Camera Lenses and Grip and Lighiting packages valued over 15,000.
YOU MUST HAVE LIABILITY INSURANCE FOR Electrical Tie In Equipment and Car Mounting Equipment:

GENERAL LIABILITY WAIVER FOR XXXX
NOTE: YOU ARE NOT BUYING INSURANCE
(you must pay this additional rental fee if you do not supply XXXX with a general liability certificate of insurance naming XXXX as "Additionally Insured")

COST: 10% of total rental cost. 

WHAT IS INCLUDED IN THE ADDITIONAL RENTAL FEE:
1. XXXX will waive it's requirement for general liability coverage.

WHAT IS NOT INCLUDED IN THE ADDITIONAL RENTAL FEE:
1. You are not buying general liability insurance from XXXX. YOU WILL HAVE NO LIABILITY INSURANCE COVERAGE FROM XXXX (If there was a lawsuit or an accident, XXXX's insurance carrier would represent XXXX only, and nobody else)
2. Automobile liability insurance coverage. To rent a vehicle from XXXX, you must have $1,000,000 auto liability insurance coverage, naming XXXX as "additionally insured."

WHAT IS NEEDED TO RENT WITHOUT LIABILITY INSURANCE:
1. Pay 10% of total rental fee before rental.

You know why this shit exists? Because we're a buncha' fucking litigious assfucks. That if, for example, you were juggling gobo heads or knuckles, if it injured someone, no one wants to get sued. For stupidity. And people in this business are looking to sue. Because it's easier to collect insurance money than to work. By the way, the above doesn't even cover worker's compensation. For which shenanigans like I mentioned falls under. It only protects the gear and its owner from being sued. Doesn't mean YOU won't.

So you want to make movies...