I Turned 39

Heya folks,
Today I turned 39 years of age. One step closer to hit 40. I wonder about how I felt about people in their 40's when I was a kid. And it was ancient. I mean, by the time I would reach 40 a lot would happen. Mostly hoverboards would whisk me away to Canada. Or some weird shit like that. Didn't happen. Which blows. You know sucks the worst. When they don't ask to see I.D. at bars anymore. You know you're ancient then.

It's kinda strange how people put a label on powers of 10 b-days. Women go nuts at 29. Seems like. I've had two separate female friends who've dug deep before they hit 30. Then we have the culture that says you are the age of what you think you are. Ha! Tell that to my achy bones and rotting teeth.

Anyhow, I do enjoy being older. A little pained that certain things haven't worked out the way I imagined it. But if I stopped to tally everything I've done up to this point...it's really not been a wasted life. I think there's been a lot of moments of fulfillment that I can take to my grave.

The other day I got a company email that a co-worker had died. This was at another facility. I knew her. Saw her everyday. She was the nicest, smiliest person at our miserable company. You can see in her very young life that she suffered the fools with a smile. Would chat me up with her small but functional English. It struck me since...it was so sudden. She was 27. Didn't even make it to that point. She left with a husband and child. I left that facility when she was still pregnant and we chatted about that. I offered her the name of "Tomasino." Seemed regal enough. She laughed. The two years I knew her, she never came in doom and gloom. Just did her job and left.

I worked in an area that was very clinical and cold (both in temperature and demeanor). And somehow seeing her come in and empty the trash, it was a bright moment in the day. I had no romantic intentions in the least. Just some people are like that.

I think about the 11 years I've lived beyond her. If you consider that she had a purpose and something to live for, I do feel a little guilty that I think she would've done/lived her life with greater focus than I've squandered in the same amount of time. I feel her daughter would've grown up and they'd live a more precious life than the meandering/dream killing existence I've lived. It made me put into perspective that we all need to NOT waste it with petty stupid things and chase the things that make the moments we have tolerable.

There was that saying there is suffering with chasing your dreams. In fact, I'm sure there's a alleyway full of homeless people that felt the same way at some point. I think fear of success means having it taken away. The tragedy of when everything goes right and it is ripped from your life. There's a scene in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" where James "007" Bond finally gets the girl, Marries her. Wants to leave MI6. And is happy. (SPOILER ALERT) Only to have her gunned down. From that point on, he is more or less, an unhappy miserable angry person, who seems to now bring pain to others. I think that part of him spoke to me the loudest. Even the most battle-hardened secret agent lets his guard down and the happiness is ripped away when he least suspects. I feel people fear this the most. Which is why they angrily hang on to what they've built (family, house, friends).

As I turn 39 today, I think of my future and how adversity will test me. I have enough years behind me to cope. A few years ahead to change it.