If you got a chance to read my previous post, well, yes, I am now making it a point to go back onto the wagon. Crappy as it sounds, I do need to give my liver a break. To all you out there that have compulsive or addictive personalities, I have to say, a lot of what I'm experiencing is less the personality and more the physical. For instance, on this special New Years Day morning, I had the terrible shakes. My brain was throbbing. My heart was racing. And what ran through my mind like some terrible record was that I was going to die of a heart attack. I was trembling and knew for the next few days, I'd probably not be able to eat.
Cheery stuff to say the least. I had chest pains. And with labored breath. Atop one of the most embarrassing moments of romantic profession still ahead of me asleep on the couch in the other room. She was still drunk as well. Passed out cold. I think the natural state of her being is similar to mine. I think we shared a lot of denial and pain. And we kid that alcohol is functional in ANY capacity. I bragged about posting blogs about hangover workouts, she upped me by saying, just put vodka in your water bottle when you go to the gym. Do we sound like rational grown adults? AND she's only 25 years old. That means, by the time she's my age...well, I'll just say it, she may not live to be my age.
Okay, repeat to myself, DO NOT DRAW FROM EMOTIONAL WELL WHILE DETOXING. I mean, this sucks. You feel like a noodle. Your brain is foggy and completely weak everywhere. The panic hits hard. Anxiety in the worst case. Because your body's fuel was running on alcohol. I knew it isn't suppose to end like this. I shoved a few melatonins down my throat and chugged some mineral water. I'm sure I was ashen gray.
When I say alcohol is more of a physical thing, I meant, my mind hated the stuff. But my body needed it. And the pain that comes with not having it in your system is indescribable, as I can only say, it feels like a very fat person sitting on your chest, and then they're carrying a very fat baby.
It's sickness. I still feel "off" two days later. I read recently that people who have tried to quit cold turkey have sometimes gone into cardiac arrest. As if they needed to gradually come off alcohol rather than the whole kitten-kaboodle. In fact, I read that's how Amy Winehouse died. Seizures from the depletion of alcohol from her system. What irony.
Detox sucks, people. I mean, royally sucks balls. I mean, I think about whether I would be miserable and drunk or miserable and sober. I think miserable and drunk is much better. But least healthiest. I think they seem to keep the demons at bay. Or at least pickle my brain in to believing it's only distilled water. Ugh.
I read a lot on the internet about other's experience. Some of it really sad and scary stuff. Fatty livers and cirrhosis. All ugly boogeyman stories. Hell Larry Hagman lived to 81 with someone else's liver and died of throat cancer. Some of my fellow drinkers never make it out.
The bar I go to, has this bartender. Must be in his 70's. He would pour me shots of Johnny Walker, but his hands trembled so hard, I would usually get only half of what he poured. Yet, no one in that bar seems to notice this but me. I think, they all seem to know the truth. And this man will die from drinking. To them, it may be noble. For me, I'd rather crap my pants and die from sex with an angry hooker than in the gutter with a bottle of scotch. At least I'd have gone out shooting.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
It Doesn't Play Out Like It Does In The Movies
First off, Happy New Years everyone.
Yeah, first time I went out in a very long time. I decided to hang with my friends downtown. Went to a bar drank some drinks. I took a friend I'd met in Cincinnati. I developed feeling for her which was a huge mistake, since most women who come out here are mental. But, my folks actually introduced us. It was in Cincy at my Dad's friend's restaurant that she was the hostess. I remember her vividly as she stood out from the Asian faces. Caucasian, a little on the tall side. blue eyes, weird. I got her email and phone and I kept in contact. But then, she disappeared.
Fast forward three years later and she makes it out to Los Angeles. She emailed me. And we eventually meet up. She is a LOT of fun. Good sense of humor. Wild child. I didn't know how wild until later.
We hung out a few days later in Santa Monica. It was a great time. It'd been a while since I laughed. She was so much fun. We were to spend New Years together.
New Years. I got tanked. And hung out at my friend James's place. James is a a great dude. Photographer, like yours truly. Well, we went out to a bar. I cleared a $100 tab. And headed back to his studio. I fell asleep in his waiting room. His apartment is also a studio. When I woke up, I saw my friend posing nude for James. Not that it bothered me, but...it bothered me. We had some drinks. And I said things I wish I had not said. Then we went back to my car, which is where all hell broke loose. I professed how much I had cared for her. And she shot me down. Absolutely pissed that I would attempt to "control" her. I told her how much I disliked her doing nudes. I had no say in the matter. It wasn't my business and she can do what she pleases. She ended up crashed out on my couch. In the morning, I did it. Yes...folks...stupid as it sounds, I did it. I told her that I was in love with her.
I know, it's stupid. It's shit you wouldn't even write in a BAD script. But I did it. And she just shot me down--HARD. Yeah, most people say crap to say crap. But her schtick was that she wasn't in a place to fall in love. B.S. NO ONE is in a place to fall in love. But, and a HUGE BUT, for the right person, ANYONE can fall in love. So that's where ended. So you would think.
She left my apartment, but was lost as to where her car was. I walked out to move my car. I caught her on her way to her car. And I thought (yes, folks, this is embarrassing) maybe she just needs a little lip magic. I pinned her to her car and attempted to kiss her. "I just need to know" I told her. COMPLETELY clumsy and off. She turned to and fro missing my lips. She clearly did not want to be kissed. And that friends, is where it ended. Just sad sad sad stupid guy who thought more of a relationship than what was there. It saddens me and makes me laugh at the same time. Our friendship is over. You can't be friends and know one person feels more than the other. It hurts. I had such a good time with her and she just has no filter. But, it's done now. I already miss her. What's-her-name. It just doesn't play out like you see in the movies.
Yeah, first time I went out in a very long time. I decided to hang with my friends downtown. Went to a bar drank some drinks. I took a friend I'd met in Cincinnati. I developed feeling for her which was a huge mistake, since most women who come out here are mental. But, my folks actually introduced us. It was in Cincy at my Dad's friend's restaurant that she was the hostess. I remember her vividly as she stood out from the Asian faces. Caucasian, a little on the tall side. blue eyes, weird. I got her email and phone and I kept in contact. But then, she disappeared.
Fast forward three years later and she makes it out to Los Angeles. She emailed me. And we eventually meet up. She is a LOT of fun. Good sense of humor. Wild child. I didn't know how wild until later.
We hung out a few days later in Santa Monica. It was a great time. It'd been a while since I laughed. She was so much fun. We were to spend New Years together.
New Years. I got tanked. And hung out at my friend James's place. James is a a great dude. Photographer, like yours truly. Well, we went out to a bar. I cleared a $100 tab. And headed back to his studio. I fell asleep in his waiting room. His apartment is also a studio. When I woke up, I saw my friend posing nude for James. Not that it bothered me, but...it bothered me. We had some drinks. And I said things I wish I had not said. Then we went back to my car, which is where all hell broke loose. I professed how much I had cared for her. And she shot me down. Absolutely pissed that I would attempt to "control" her. I told her how much I disliked her doing nudes. I had no say in the matter. It wasn't my business and she can do what she pleases. She ended up crashed out on my couch. In the morning, I did it. Yes...folks...stupid as it sounds, I did it. I told her that I was in love with her.
I know, it's stupid. It's shit you wouldn't even write in a BAD script. But I did it. And she just shot me down--HARD. Yeah, most people say crap to say crap. But her schtick was that she wasn't in a place to fall in love. B.S. NO ONE is in a place to fall in love. But, and a HUGE BUT, for the right person, ANYONE can fall in love. So that's where ended. So you would think.
She left my apartment, but was lost as to where her car was. I walked out to move my car. I caught her on her way to her car. And I thought (yes, folks, this is embarrassing) maybe she just needs a little lip magic. I pinned her to her car and attempted to kiss her. "I just need to know" I told her. COMPLETELY clumsy and off. She turned to and fro missing my lips. She clearly did not want to be kissed. And that friends, is where it ended. Just sad sad sad stupid guy who thought more of a relationship than what was there. It saddens me and makes me laugh at the same time. Our friendship is over. You can't be friends and know one person feels more than the other. It hurts. I had such a good time with her and she just has no filter. But, it's done now. I already miss her. What's-her-name. It just doesn't play out like you see in the movies.
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